Need advice about Christmas Contact

[Lasaucisse1978]

Have posted in relationships before about my husband having a two year affair and her being pregnant which I found out about two months after we got married but can't find the original thread. Anyhow all the grief and nightmare that it has been aside I am trying to sort out Christmas right now and need some help.

We have two children together 3 and 6. Before I found out we had been due to go to my mum's about 13 miles away and spend a few days there. My sister who lives in California is literally flying in with her family for one day only, Christmas Day, before flying onto spend the rest of the time in India with her in laws.

As I said the plan was for all of us to go there. Then I found out what he had been up to, he moved out a month ago now and I don't know what to do about Christmas. He continuously avoided the subject saying he didn't have time to discuss it or couldn't handle, cope with it etc etc. Pathetic considering what he has done but that is a whole other story.

On the advice of my solicitor I emailed him because he won't talk except on text and I don't think it is an acceptable medium for organising this sort of stuff - no voice tone, context can be misinterpreted etc.

I said I still wanted the girls with me on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but he was welcome to have them from Boxing Day onwards and before Christmas Eve. Of course he didn't like that and then said he would like to see the children at the family home for a couple of hours on Christmas Day. So basically he expects me to uproot them, drive back so he can come in like a knight in shining armour, give them presents the bugger off, leaving me to deal with their confusion and all the fallout from it.

I said no sorry, as I had said before he could have them from Boxing Day onwards or before for as much time as he likes.

What I would like opinions on is do you think I am being unreasonable because he is saying I am being really unfair and preventing him from seeing the children over Christmas which isn't the case. I have offered loads of alternatives but it doesn't fit with his plans so therefore I am unreasonable. Basically so far I have been expected to drop everything and adhere to any demands he makes but if I dare to say something is not possible I am immediately accused of being obstructive.

So do you think I am being unfair? Is it acceptable for me to say I have them Xmas Eve and Day and he has them Boxing Day onwards? Or should I suggest he picks them up Xmas Day night and has them for a couple of days from then which would mean they miss out on time with their aunt, uncle and cousins?? I just don't know what to do. The texts have now fallen silent and I expect he is now instructing his solicitors to write to me with some shitty threatening letter because that is what he did with his last wife!

I have read your thread and am so sorry for what you have been through but think you have handled if admirably.
In light of your dsis being here I don't think it is that unreasonable what you are suggesting but if he really kicks off would it be that bad to hand them over at 5 on Xmas day?

I remember your original thread.

You are not being unfair at all. He's the one who behaved appallingly and he should accept what you've offered and be grateful. Stick to your original plan and try and enjoy your Xmas with your kids and family and let him wait for his turn.

I have no experience of divorce/separation and no legal knowledge, but it sounds like all this was planned before he left, which happens because he had an affair. I think you're perfectly reasonable to stick to the plan as your children will need stability and presumably your sister and family won't be doing this every year. It seems perfectly fair that you should stick with the plan and you can renegotiate for another year (if he's willing to talk!).

Hope you get sorted and I would think it would be a good idea to get some legal advice.

He chose this situation so he chose alternative Christmases! How entitled is he?!

Hi Lasaucisse, I was one reading your last thread, and hope you are ok.

Stick to your plan Lasaucisse. The contact arrangements are about what is BEST FOR THE CHILDREN, not what is BEST FOR HIM. Why should they be yanked away from a lovely family Christmas day to suit him? HE is the one who has disrupted it all. He will have to lump it.

We had to divide christmas day in two when we were children. It was horrible and was all about what made our parents feel better. It wasn't about us.

I am divorced from my children's father, pretty civilised though, and our children (now 22 and 18) always spend christmas day with me, and boxing day with their father. But then he has always agreed to that because he sees that it is right to put them first and not him or me. Nothing wrong with that.

You are in the right here. Hope you get it sorted soon.

Hi Everyone

He has just left after spending another couple of hours with them then telling them he is "off to work" Hmmm

Anyway, the Christmas contact thing has sort of been resolved but not in the way I'd hoped. As I said he accused me of not letting him see the kids over Christmas. I simply said that Xmas Eve and Day with me then Boxign Day onwards with him, sticking to the original plan of being with my mum and sister etc. After reading some stuff online I was even prepared to say pick them up Christmas Day evening say at 6pm and have a whole second Christmas with them, even to the point where I would have made second stocking etc and he could do it here at the family house. But I never got the chance to say that because he refused to discuss it full stop and has now absented himself completely from Christmas on the basis he doesn't want to be reminded he isn't seeing his children. Sooo he has booked himself a holiday in New York over Christmas (probably with her for all I know) and is trying to make me feel guilty that it is all my fault and I am forcing him away. I also said I would happily (well perhaps not happily as such) but swap next year so he has them Xmas Day and me Boxing Day and that we could alternate years.

This doesn't feel like a victory for me in any way shape or form. In fact seeing his text about it made me cry big time because I feel so sorry for our DDs because now they won't be seeing him at all over Christmas and I am the one left to explain why and deal with that as best I can. As usual he is not sucking it up and putting them first but putting himself and his feelings first and it really really upsets me.

He still refuses point blank to discuss anything else about practical matters and has once again said HE can't deal with it until the new year!!! What about me, what about the girls, what are we meant to do while he summons up the courage to deal with it???

On a totally different point. I have received some unexpected support from the most surprising of places and some male friends have been wonderful but several have made it quite plain they would be keen for more than just friendship with me or a bit of casual shagging. I mean WTF???? I have no desire to be with anyone for a very long time, except my beautiful DDs, but certain people seem to think that the second you are separated you want to jump straight back in the saddle. Reminds me of vultures circling the carrion! Another female friend who has been separated from her partner for two years said exactly the same thing happened to her and only now is ready to date again. Are they just wired differently to women and expect us all to just jump into bed with them at the first opportunity?! Unbelievable.

Your kids will be fine, they won't be sad Christmas day they'll be surrounded by family. We never saw my Dad on Christmas day, he was too bust drinking and sleeping, he never even bothered to do Christmas with us on a different day. In fact his own mother would come and spend the day with us, my mother and mums family, she had a lovely time with us all.
If he wants to throw his toys out the pram and run off on holiday don't feel bad, it's his problem, you presented a reasonable schedule for the holiday, he had a tantrum.

It will be completely unreasonable for you to use any word of apology such as 'sorry' in your communications with this twunt.

When reiterataing that he can have the dds from Boxing Day, do take pains to ensure it's clear to him that he has a choice - take it or leave it.

As for the chancers generous souls who are keen to ensure your sex life continues unabated, be thankful you're not newly widowed they're par for the course and can easily be rebuffed..

Hey Lasaucisse, I read your last thread and am really sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I'm glad it seems to have resolved, although I know that it doesn't feel that way.
For what it's worth now, I think you were being entirely reasonable in what you were saying. And he could have lettered you from his solicitor all he liked, he would have actually had to take you to court and demonstrate that what you were suggesting was not in the DC's best interests to get anywhere.
It seems to me that he is bullying you, although he's actually full of hot air when push comes to shove. I think you've done really well to stand your ground with him on this issue, that means it'll be easier to do it with the next one. (And there's always a 'next' one...)
As hard as it, try to detach from him. He chose to behave the way he did, and the situation he is now in (not seeing his kids whenever he likes) is a direct consequence. I know you feel bad for him, and for your DCs, it's natural. But start trying to put him and his needs to one side. He needs to think about them himself. You focus on you, and your lovely DCs. (And keep ignoring the other men too, I agree, wtf??)

Well, I sit typing this whilst at my mum's having vacated the house for the night so that he can spend more time with the kids. I have flu and feel like shit and had asked to stay in the house but he said he couldn't handle that - so rather than putting his own feelings aside he was happy to let me get in a car and drive for half an hour so he would feel okay. I am so cross, I could have put my foot down and said tough I am staying but as usual he surrounded himself with the kids so a good argument or proper conversation wasn't possible.

I'm sorry but he is such a fucking selfish tosser. I am so glad he is going away for Christmas rather than have to deal with all that. He is so manipulative, he has lots of people running round after him, feeling sorry for him because he is on his own at Christmas when he was the one that caused all this!!!

And guess where he is going...New York. Oh yes, Christmas is going to be a real hardship, and if I know him he is not likely to be slumming it in a youth hostel.For all I know he is probably going with her not that he would tell me anyway. I don't think he'd know the truth if it came up and bit him on the arse.

I honestly can't believe I married such a selfish, self-centred man and the extent of his narcissism is really only becoming apparent now I am one step removed. You know how they say you can't see the wood for the trees, well I feel like the rose tinted glasses are finally off and I am beginning to think how on earth did I put up with so many different things for so long. I feel like I have been sleep walking and although I am truly heartbroken I feel like my eyes are open wide for the very first time in a long time - I feel like I have an opportunity to be me again, does that make sense?

As for the other blokes yes, not interested no way, not a chance. I just find it amusing that they think they are doing you a favour by offering their sexual services, especially the married one. I swear some men, by no means all, are hardwired differently to women - we will never understand them and they us!!! Despite everything my husband has done to me and the despicable way he has treated me I still love him and although I will be divorcing him, I don't think I will be able to see myself with anyone else for a very long time.