dear mum

[ditavonteesed]

I will start by saying that I know you have been ill and i know how hard things have been for you, I try to be there for you, I try to always put your needs above my own but the time has come when I cant take much more.
I feel unloved, unvalued and unrespected in our family. I try so hard to get you all to like me but you obviously dont and I have to stop trying as it is affecting my mental health now.

A few examples, your birthday this year I spent a really long time looking for the perfect present for you, I was really proud of it and I wanted to see you open it, when I called dad told me I could come and give it to you but I couldnt stay as you didnt have time, you seemed annoyed that I didnt stay, I left your house in tears.
I have left your house in tears many more times over the last year, I try so hard to engage dad in conversation but he gives me one wors answers or blanks me, the minute db and his family arrive everybody engages in conversation and I am sat in a corner (often on the floor because despite having a bad back I am not important enough to warrant a chair) alone feeling so sad. Everyitme I ask you anything you undermine me, you constantly tell e what I am doing worng with the children, that their hair is a mess or they dont have a vest on or that I feed them the worng foods, I volunteer with chidren and everybody I work with has a lot of respect for me and sees me as a strong capable person, you see me as a useless child who cant be trusted with your precious grandchildren.

I know dd1 has a few problems, and I knnow I have asked for help from you when I probably shouldnt but it is not becasue I am too soft on her, other people regularly comment on how well behaved my children are and what lovely girls they are.

I have told you so many times that I am lonely, you tell me you are bored I have invited you here, for walks or just to spend time with me, you never take me up on it so i can only assume that you would rather stick pins in your eyes than spend time with me.

We have had a very hard year and I couuld really have done with some support emotionally, I dont know what to do anymore but I cant go on feeling like the person that you will tolerate until something better comes along (usually brother anf family).
I am scared about going back to work after so long at home with the children, but if I told you that you would just say well dont go then, you dont want me to do things that other adults do as you dont think I am capable, I am and I have managed perfectly well for a very long time, I have 2 beaustiful daughters and a lovely home. If I talk to you about problems ypu see that as a sign that I am useless and that i cant manage.
I am fed up of feeling so sad.

I of course wont send this I just wanted to get it out.

Couldn't read and leave without commenting.

Sending you much love and a very unmumsnetty

Sometimes lovely you are damned if you do and even more damned if you dont.
If your not there then you cant here the damning comments, look after yourself for a change, you cant change them but you can change how you are affected by them.

x now that is un mumsnetty

No, there's no point sending it. They wouldn't get the message.

It's just so sad and so wrong that people who are capable of treating their own child very badly, nevertheless have children. But amazing that you've still grown up to be a decent, capable, worthwhile human being determined to do the best for her children instead of repeating the pattern. Sadly, we can't choose who we are related to and you have drawn the short straw where relatives are concerned. You deserve better, but you didn't get it. Life does suck sometimes. At least your girls have a mother who has time for them.

You'll do fine at work as well, once you get back into the swing of it. Don't be afraid.

Thanks, they are actually ok really, these are my issues, I have low self esteem and struggle a bit sometimes and becasue I dont really have nayone except dh that I can turn to I expect too much of my mum, but I dont tell her anything anymore as she sufferes with anxiety. They are great grandparents and see the kids every week.

I am really nervous about starting back at work, the practical things as well as anything else, but I have been at home for 9 years and able to give the kids every bit of support they need and I worry that I wont be able to anymore (I know really I will its just fear of the unkonwn).
Sometimes I feel a bit over whelmed with how upset I get by my mum and it helps to get it out. Its not her fault shes ill, my dad has however always been a bit of a knob, but I thrive on the tiniest bit of praise or interest he gives me and always end up going out of my way to impress him, which rarely works, dh says he is proud of me he just doesnt know how to show it.

It's not her fault she's ill, but it's NOT YOUR FAULT either! There comes a time when you have to stop trying to please people who are impossible to please. Look what a great job you have made of bringing up your daughters and volunteering - you will be great at work too. Yes it is scary, but just think how proud your dh and kids will be. They're the ones whose opinions matter.

A lot of this resonated with me. Especially the sitting on the floor thing :(
Strength to you.

Unfortunately I have a similar mother. I have learnt that I can't go to her for any support and all conversation is about her and the weather.

Your low self esteem is probably a direct result of your parents and they will not help you gain it. I made a dress the other day, it looks great, I know it does, yet I still really struggled to wear it. And here's my fiancé telling me how beautiful I look and I still struggled. It is sad that my self esteem sucks so much, but I wore it anyway.

Start detacting from them. All conversation to be superficial a d keep a close eye on how they treat your children. It maybe good now, but it may change as they get older and start developing their own opinion.