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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband, my head and my heart

38 replies

LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 09:46

I went to a counselling session last night. On my own. I had hoped it would be couples counselling, but looks like individual counselling now as the lady so nicely put it.

So how, oh how, oh how, do I begin to accept the fact that the man I have spent my life with has found another woman, lied to me, hurt me, come back to me, lied again, told me we could work everything out, given me hope, smashed my hope, and now (I think) has finally made a decision, despite my relentless begging, to leave me and attempt to build a new life with her.

I'm bitter, broken, ashamed, hurt, seething, flawed, devastated, desperate, at fault, STILL wanting him to change his mind though why on earth would I, tearful (constantly), useless and miserable with not even the tiniest sliver of a glimmer of hope.

What next?

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 13/12/2012 10:10

Time, distraction (kids?), friends, keep busy, get some exercise, write a list of all the shitty things he has done to you, talk to people! Get it out there. Ask for support. Make positive changes to your life (or start thinking about them) and focus on how things will be better very soon, cos they will xx

Fooso · 13/12/2012 10:15

how awful for you - there is nothing you can do to stop these feelings - they are all normal - and I think you are going to have to go through them OP. My ex DH had an affair for 2 years and fathered a child behind my back (10 years ago now). I went through all the emotions you describe. It took time but it will and does get easier. I look back now and am so thankful for where I am and that we didn't make it work when we tried - I'm amazed I even considered working it out! Be strong, focus on your kids (if you have them), be with your friends, and think of yourself - you deserve better - don't settle x

blossombath · 13/12/2012 10:19

Couldn't read and run, don't have any good advice but just wanted to say you are stronger than you think, we can all cope with much more than we think, if we have to. You are not at fault. Just get through one day at a time, or one morning or one hour. Try not to start thinking long term unless you have to, but just do what it takes to get through the short term. Time will make it easier, promise.

DoingItForMyself · 13/12/2012 10:22

Firstly, I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it must be awful for you and I hope you have some good RL friends to support you as well as all the wonderful advice you can get on here.

Secondly, the coming back and attempting to work things out before leaving again is only too common, so please don't feel like that was 'your chance' to make him stay, to persuade him that things would be ok - chances are he had already made his decision, but he was too cowardly to go through with it in the face of your devastation, so he pretended to you that he was trying again, giving it one last shot, when actually he was just biding his time until he had the balls to leave for good. For this alone you should be really angry with him, use it as fodder for your 'better off without him' list.

If you are in any doubt about whether there is life after a marriage breakdown, just read the inspirational tales on here, there are literally thousands of women who have had to pick themselves up, dust themselves down and start again. For many of them, life has even improved, they have more confidence and they have found new interests, new friends and even new men.

There really is hope, but you have some grieving to do first, so don't expect too much of yourself too soon, be kind to yourself and spend some time just trying to accept what has happened before you worry about moving on.

xxx

Guiltypleasures001 · 13/12/2012 10:29

Hi op

When you get to counselling tell the counsellor everything you have typed ie the emotions you are feeling, it sounds like you need/want to sound off and she will allow you the time and the space to do that. You can shout and rant as much as you like hun and he/she wont bat an eyelid

Everything you feel is valid and none of it is your fault, you had to get to this point for you to realise that this is truly the end as far as you are concerned.
The worst thing that could have happened is for him to continue this farce any longer and set back your future recovery even more.

Many of us have been there where you are, with many of the same emotions, the only positive out of this is you know where you stand now, and thats a great base to take that first leap forward. You will need support so take it where you can, getting angry is a great first emotion and focuses you on what you need now to do and achieve. Holding all this in is very destructive so you rant away love it does help honest, I am a proper serial ranter and always feel better afterwards, my family have learnt to ignore it and let me get on with it.

all the best

Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 10:36

Doingitformyself:

That's exactly how I've been feeling. That I had a chance, a shot to show him I could be better, that I could stop shouting at him, that we could be happy. And that I blew it, I was impatient, I asked too many questions, asked too much of him too soon, too much pressure. I regret every word I screamed at him, and I remember every word of the argument we had about a bloody meal the night before he got back in touch with her. I feel like if I had been better and let him see a different side of me, he would have stayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 10:41

I wasn't sure if anyone would reply to this thread at all - thank you all.

No children - never the "right time", always my career first, always making sure we had the money, the home, everything we wanted to be perfect

I don't seem to be ready to hold on to the angry part of me yet, I think that's the biggest struggle just now, today at least. I just feel sad for everything that I've lost, everything that I won't have. I've spent 14 years in this relationship, and he was, is, my first love. Hence, I'd like to cancel Christmas please. Thanks.

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 13/12/2012 10:45

I know too many people who have had exactly the same thing, even when there is no apparent OW. The H says he's leaving, then backtracks, gives it one last heroic shot, it doesn't work out (because DW hasn't tried hard enough to make him happy of course) and within a few weeks has met the woman of his dreams.

The fact that your H had a woman waiting in the wings for him says to me that this was nothing to do with how you behaved, it was about how available she was at the time Sad

Its hard to accept that during that time he was not committed to making things work out, but you said yourself, he lied to you and he's building a life with her, that doesn't sound like a man who was trying to patch things up with his wife.

foolonthehill · 13/12/2012 10:53

No, if he were a better man you wouldn't have gone like this.... he was the one who checked out found another woman, lied to me, hurt me, come back to me, lied again, told me we could work everything out, given me hope, smashed my hope, and now (I think) has finally made a decision, to go.

If he were the sort of man who you need/want he would have worked at the relationship with you and together you would either have made it work or it wouldn't have and you would have parted. only a sleezebag would line up the OW check out of his marriage and then blame it on you.

You will not have been perfect, none of us are. but he is the one who left, not you.

You'll have to ride those feelings I guess, but you will get through this, you will survive and you will make a life for yourself/your DCs and it will be OK.

maleview70 · 13/12/2012 10:54

Time will heal but you need to stop begging and start showing him who is boss. If a friend treated you this badly they wouldn't be your friend anymore. Why allow someone who treats you like shit to continue having a hold.

My wife had an affair and left me for someone. That went tits up very quickly but I have gone on to become a much more confident person and enjoy life much more now without the hassles I had with her.!

You can do the same but you need to start taking small steps to make that happen.

Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 10:55

But at the moment I can't get past the feeling that the whole reason he kept her in the wings, the whole reason he wants her instead of me, is because I let him down, I wasn't good enough. He said I stopped making him feel special. That he didn't feel important to me any more. I guess she does make him feel those things.

I found out about the affair by an email from her saying "I love you" a couple of weeks after they started chatting to one another. He says that she makes him feel good about himself, that she doesn't put him down or shout at him, that she understands him.

I wish I didn't, but I still feel like if I'd done better I wouldn't have lost him.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 13/12/2012 10:55

PS Christmas is now cancelled...for you now if you want.

If you can afford to, go and book a sunshine holiday to escape the cold greyness and the tinsel.

foolonthehill · 13/12/2012 10:58

No, he was on the lookout for "fun" and it is not just your job to make a marriage work...it takes 2, DO NOT let him put the blame on you. DO NOT believe the lies he tells you.

If he truly felt all those things there are millions of ways of dealing with it...running off with "someone who makes him feel special" is not one of them.

You deserve better OP

Abitwobblynow · 13/12/2012 10:58

What Maleview says. When they are already seeing you as the cause of everything that is wrong, begging (trying to connect) becomes more suffocating and they pull away more.

There is a very good book by Dr James Dobson 'Love Must be Tough'. Even though it is Christian based, as long as you view the bible quotes as merely the distillation of 1000s of years of human experience, it is a sound wise book.

Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 10:59

Sadly can't afford holiday. We had just bought a house. The week before he started the affair. Currently I have all the finances on my plate, all the bills for the beautiful furnishings we chose (which I hate looking at every day), and the decorating to finish which I can't even face.

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 13/12/2012 11:04

If you really want to cancel Christmas why not volunteer or something, help others and make yourself feel better by doing something worthy! I know its a cliche but it might help you to see that there are people worse off than yourself at Christmas. x

Of course the rush of a new relationship will make him feel special, the point about marriage is that you work on it together to try and keep something more solid than the 'high' of a new fling. We all start to take each other for granted after such a long time, this was the opportunity to start trying again, but instead of focussing his efforts on trying to be a better husband, making YOU feel special, so that you in turn would make HIM feel special, he was (best case scenario) hedging his bets to see who he wanted to be with or (worst case scenario) going through the motions so that it would SEEM that he was putting in the effort, to placate you.

This is not your fault - it takes 2 to make a marriage work and no matter how hard you tried, if his heart was elsewhere it wouldn't have made a difference. If you were still shouting, finding fault etc its because you were still having issues with the way he was behaving towards you. He wasn't trying.

foolonthehill · 13/12/2012 11:04

Currently I have all the finances on my plate Angry: of course you do...does he not work?

Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 11:12

He lost his job. The day I found out about the affair co-incidentally. He had been told a month before hand (a week before he began the affair) that it was likely they'd let him go as the company was struggling financially. Not there long enough to qualify for redundancy etc as he'd relocated jobs to accommodate a move for my career.

There were a tremendous number of stresses on BOTH of us on the months leading up to the affair. I'm not naive enough to pretend things were great before her. I just thought we had time to figure things out.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 13/12/2012 11:17

You did have time...but only if he was going to give it his best...not bail out

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 13/12/2012 11:22

So, he must be a real bargain for the OW. A married man, without a job.

You are not "at fault", he, it would seem, is a failure.

ErikNorseman · 13/12/2012 11:27

He's behaved like a hideous cunt. Your belief that he wouldn't have cheated if you had been 'better' is utterly wrong. There's a book that is often recommended in here 'not just friends' by Shirley glass - I think you should read it to get some perspective on how and why he cheated. I suspect it may make you feel better. Self blame is completely misplaced and futile. You are going to have to start putting blame where it belongs - with him.

Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 11:34

And when we've sat in tears together, and I believe he has genuinely been sorry and sad for what has happened (I wouldn't love him if he was a total monster), and he's held my hands and stroked my hair...

...he has given me reasons, he said that my successes make him feel inadequate, that he has never felt good enough and having people tell him he's "punching above his weight" began to seem true. He's told me that he wants her because he IS good enough for her. Because if she will have an affair with a married man (she is also married, but of course her husband IS a horrific monster, Satan essentially) then she's no better than him, so they deserve each other. She lost her job too.

Trouble is I still think I deserve him. I can't bear the idea that he'll take any lessons from our relationship, anythings to make him a better person - and do a better job with her. That makes me a pretty spiteful person I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetsCancelChristmas · 13/12/2012 11:37

ErikNorseman:

How on earth do I start to put blame, or anger, or hate, on someone who has been (or at least I thought was) my best friend for 14 years, who I've shared everything with, who has been the person to hold me when I'm sad and tell me it will all be okay, who I made my vows to - and who I meant every word, who I feel desperate every time I consider he'll never kiss me again?

I've no clue how I'll ever get to that place.

OP posts:
GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 13/12/2012 11:38

It is all about him isnt it? What he feels. And how she feels about him.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 13/12/2012 11:39

Did they both work in the same place? Did they lose their jobs because of their conducts in the workplace?