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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fell for him and he's not that into me is he?

22 replies

NeedAHairyShit · 13/12/2012 09:40

I really fell for a guy who, it turns out has deep seated bitterness/insecurity about commintment etc after his divorce and who it seems is simply enjoying the first "relationship" since his ex wife (or in other words, rebound).

He was great at first, seemed to want all the same stuff as me, fed me a load of bullshit about us having a great future together and then all of a sudden he went cold on me. I'm assuming things started to get too serious and he freaked. He still wants to arrange dates all the time, stays at my house a lot, texts me all the time and is lovely to me but all talk of the future has stopped and instead he talks more like we're friends with benefits. Whenever he talks about "us" he goes on about all the great stuff we do together - which makes me think he's simply enjoying having someone to do 'coupley' things with.

He bought me a christmas card which was lovely but even in there he wrote about all the stuff we've done since we got together rather than anything about ME or US. I got him a christmas card and wrote a few soppy bits it in - he said it was lovely, gave me a hug and a kiss and promptly put it up on MY mantelpiece. I said "are you not taking it home??" and he replied "oh, err ... can do? just thought you might want me to leave it here so it looks like you have more cards?" wtf??? errr no, I'm not 12 - thanks all the same. But anyway - this was basically because he doesn't want his family seeing it. Because for his family to become involved means a bit of commitment.

He wants to meet my family, he's met a few of my friends and keeps hinting at meeting my mother yet he won't do the same for me. He's been saying for months about arranging for me to meet his mother and it's never happened. He arranged it for last week and called it off last minute saying she was busy.

So, he's not in to me is he? not anymore. He's just enjoying the moment. Is it possible for me to do the same despite having fallen for him? can I reign those feelings back in and just enjoy this for what it is? a bit of company over Christmas? (assuming he'll break it off early next year, I get that vibe).

OP posts:
SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 13/12/2012 09:44

Sounds like your instincts are spot on. I would be tempted to call it a day now and stop massaging his ego, but I understand that company over xmas can be very appealing.

Original poster
NeedAHairyShit · 13/12/2012 09:54

I get the feeling he's already laying the foundations for the breakup. He's recently said that if we did split up, he'd want to stay friends (yeah right) and his texts have gone from "good morning gorgeous xxx" to "morning, how are you today?"

It's almost textbook. Yes I've talked to him, he insists nothing is wrong and he feels the same about me that he's always done but but instinct says otherwise.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 13/12/2012 09:56

Have you posted about this before? Hmm

HairyGrotter · 13/12/2012 10:00

I'd cut my losses and move on. These games are no good for anyone.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 13/12/2012 10:04

You sound very astute, sorry (!). Perhaps best not to invest any more feelings for him, consider him a nice diversion, start widening your social diary before he skips to the next gf.

EdithWeston · 13/12/2012 10:08

Sorry, but from your post I think either he's not that into you, or he has another GF (from about the time he started cooling off) and she is the one whose card will be displayed.

EleanorGiftbasket · 13/12/2012 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/12/2012 10:10

Is this the guy who you were talking about marriage with and now he has backed right off?

All sounds very familiar...

Original poster
NeedAHairyShit · 13/12/2012 10:14

no we've never discussed marriage (unless you count his last one Hmm )

Another thing is he seems to use me as a counciler sometimes. Someone to offload to about his divorce etc

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 13/12/2012 10:18

Bin him, find something better.

badinage · 13/12/2012 10:19

I've seen a variation of this thread about 10 times in the past fortnight and I'm sure it's the same OP who keeps name-changing, asking for advice and then when rumbled, disappears. Confused

Why do people do this on site forums? Is it some kind of fetish?

EdithWeston · 13/12/2012 10:20

Or just someone deeply in denial?

ike1 · 13/12/2012 10:22

Yeah its one and the same...

EdithWeston · 13/12/2012 10:24

Try reading this article on faking a future

Original poster
NeedAHairyShit · 13/12/2012 10:34

Edith, that article was so spot on it made me rather uncomfortable, it was pretty much word for word of what has happened between us

OP posts:
izzyizin · 13/12/2012 10:58

He arranged it for last week and called it off last minute saying she was busy

Not you again... why do you keep changing your name?

RogueEmployee · 13/12/2012 11:04

I think you should go very cold on him and start being unavailable/busy when he wants to see you. See if he chases or if he's grateful for the excuse to cool things off.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 13/12/2012 11:06

Oh dear lord, not you again?

What is the matter with you OP? This has been going on for months, everyone tells you the same thing over and over.

The advice will never change.

He's not that into you, move on!

and stop being so desperate

bumhead · 13/12/2012 13:49

Is this the poster whose DP has teen DC from his first marriage and won't let them meet them. Been dating around 5 months?

izzyizin · 13/12/2012 13:56

Yep, it's one and the same poster who has a sofa permanently attached to her rear end, bumhead - that is when he's not asleep on it Xmas Grin

BOFingSanta · 13/12/2012 13:59

I know it's not relevant or useful, but will you consider changing your name before you start this same thread again please? It's making feel a bit ill.

ClippedPhoenix · 13/12/2012 14:15

Oh dear OP you really are clinging on here Sad

Give it up, you will not get a different outcome.

Problems the same - advice the same.

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