Dad's new girlfriend

[stargirl1701]

My Mum died 6 years ago. My Dad met a woman 4 weeks ago. She lives in Spain and is flying home to the UK for Christmas on the 23rd. My Dad wants her to meet me, my DH and my DD (13 weeks).

He told me (didn't ask) that he would pick her up from the airport, pick up her mother (who has dementia) and they would all come to my house (40 miles away). I suggested I could meet with them for a coffee near at my Dad's house. He doesn't want that as he doesn't want his gf's mum at his. I then suggested coffee at a cafe.

He doesn't understand what my problem is with them coming to mine. I just don't feel ok with it. He says that he's not sure he'll pursue this relationship then, to my mind, is rushing her meeting everyone.

He has invited her to a big Christmas family meal (approximately 35 people) on 27th. He thinks it'll be ok to introduce her to my brother, his son, there. Only one person there even knows she exists.

I just feel he is rushing this. Why introduce her to everyone if he's saying he's not sure?

Your dad sounds like he's got a bloody cheek tbh.

He doesn't want her at his house, but he's got no problem in bringing her to your's, where you don't want her? Eh? How does that work then? His wishes about not having the gf's mother in his house are to be respected, but your's don't count?

I'd tell him to find another venue tbh.

As to the rest, you don't have any control over it, so there's nothing you can do about it.

I am sorry you lost you mum.

I would prefer to meet her on 'neutral' ground as well.

As for your brother, your brother can sort that out. I presume he is an adult and if he wants to meet before the family he can arrange that.

Its possible that he is telling you he isn't sure if he will pursue it because he doesn't want you to know how serious it is or upset you.

Or he may not be sure if he wants to just remain friends with her. She has come over to visit her family and your df. Makes sense he would include her.

Why introduce her to everyone if he's saying he's not sure? Why should your df not introduce a woman he's met recently to his family as a friend?

Maybe he's trying to make her stay in the UK more enjoyable but I agree that it's not appropriate for him to bring her and her dm to your home and it would be preferable for your first meeting to be at his house or a neutral venue.

That said, I don't have a problem with him having invited her to the large family meal on the 27th as sheer force of numbers will serve to make her one of the crowd, so to speak.

Oh bless him; he's trying to do the right thing. Arse-about-face but he is trying. Rather than going to yours for coffee, is it possible you go to his and prepare coffee/greetings?Thats a little less impersonable than at a cafe

I understand you want to get to grips with the situation before having strangers in your home>

Who is hosting the big family meal?

why doesn't he want the mum at his?

I think it is more serious than he is making out, otherwise why bother introducing her to everyone? Which, in many ways, is good. I know he is lonely and I would like him to have a partner. I just can't get over the speed things are moving. He literally met her 4 weeks ago. He flew out to Spain for a week and ended up staying for 3 weeks. He got back last week.

I'm happy to meet her but I'd rather not meet her mother too on a first introduction. My brother has an enormous chip on his shoulder about my Dad. I just feel this adds fuel to the flame if I meet her first. When I suggested coffee I said to my Dad he ought to invite DB too so we meet her together.

The meal on the 27th - it's her I feel for! 35 people you don't know, who don't know you exist!

The crux of it - it's not how I would've done it I need to get a grip!

I am going to stand my ground regarding Dad, gf and her Mum coming up to ours. The rest can sort itself out.

Thank you folks. I needed a sounding board.

The meal is in a restuarant. We do this every year. Instead of spending money on cards and presents we all meet for dinner. It's lovely. She'll be very welcome but it's a lot of people to meet - and that's the small side of my family It's all my Dad's side - his brothers and sisters and their adult children.

I'm not 100% sure of why he doesn't want her mum at his. Maybe related to the dementia?

Having had experience of a dearly loved relative with dementia, sufferers can easily become disoriented and stressed if they are taken out of their familiar surroundings.

Maybe he thinks he's doing his lady friend a favour/being helpful but, even though flights from Spain are short duration I can't imagine she'll be too happy to be picked up from the airport, whisked off to collect her dm, and then onward to a meeting with you.

Hopefully, she'll put an end to this particular half-baked plan but, if not and if your df doesn't agree to source a neutral venue, I suggest you stand firm and tell him to wish her a happy Christmas from you and that you'll look forward to meeting her on the 27th.

He does think he's doing her a favour. He is really lovely man and fab Dad but doesn't always think things through. He arrived at my house the say we got home with our LO to do some DIY jobs - lovely thought, but NO! She's staying with him while she's back in the UK. Her mother only has one bedroom so she normally sleeps on a camp bed. When my Dad heard this, he suggested she stay with him as he as 3 spare bedrooms. I haven't enquired as to the sleeping arrangements

I think he forgets it's an emotional time of year for everyone. It was my Mum's birthday this week and Christmas was really important to her. He's clearly excited to have met someone.