So I married a narcissus!

[SparklyStone]

I only realised in the past week, it certainly explains a lot! We've been together 14 years and have 2 children. I guess the reason I'm posting is to ask if anyone knows much about this personality type, or is anyone else in a relationship with a narcissus that has any advice/coping strategies?

Anything useful you think I should know please tell me. Thanks

There is absolutely buckets of stuff on this around on the internet, and lots of books too! But even if you read it all (I think I have) mainly what you have to decide is what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, how you want to be treated, and take it from there ...

Anything in particular you think is worth a read, as you say there's so much I don't know where to start? Feeling a bit overwhelmed! And gutted at how bleak the out come of these relationships appear to be!

hmm... personally I thought the stuff on the internet was better than the books I read, though the books were useful at times. I can't remember all of the websites I visited but some of them were excellent, some spoke to me more than others, though in the end they all sort of morphed into one. Perhaps a few of them were even recommended on Mumsnet. If you do a search and have a look at old threads on Mumsnet you will probably see quite a few recommendations, stories and discussions which may be of help to you.

Most of all though, I still really think its important to establish and support and trust and love your own values and beliefs in this situation - put that above everything else really.

I don't know your circumstances, everyone is different, but I hope what you find helps you.

It's a narcissist- unless you did actually marry a daffodil. In fact a daffodil would be a better husband.

I suppose the best advice is to stop hoping he'll change.

Are you particularly unhappy, or are some of his traits just annoying to you?

Some people may cope with their partner's narcissistic traits, better than others.

I've found this book brilliant.

However, I'd give one caveat. My ExH was truly awful (I posted a lot about him under the name MollFlounders- he wanted me to have a nose job etc) and I left him 3.5 years ago. When I first left, I wanted to absorb myself in books that I felt were more emotionally supportive and validating of, I suppose, what an awful person my ex was and how much I'd suffered in putting up with him so long. I needed that carthasis.

However. Once I got to the point of having to deal with him in practice (i.e. defending three sets of full residence applications, having my own divorce application injuncted, defending outrageous financial proceedings etc etc) I started having CBT and wanting to read books that gave me tools to manage this man in the very real settings in which I was having to face off against him.

In that context, I've found Disarming the Narcissist really effective. I think some people have found it a let-down because it doesn't deal with the "s/he's a really bad person" element; it just says "this is how s/he is; here are some strategies for managing necessary interactions".

So it sort of depends how badly the behaviour is affecting you and what sort of support you feel you need at this point.

Thanks everyone! NotChristmasCarol I'll definitely get that book, I need coping strategies! No I'm not happy, I'm fed up feeling alone and only listened to or sent time with if he has no better option. I'm tired being told he's more intelligent, that my arguments point are stupid, of speaking and being ignored..........the list is endless. I couldn't walk away until I've tired everything first though.

That would be "spent" see I am stupid!

Sorry for what you're going through but you're thread title is amazing and made me properly laugh out loud