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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some advice!

21 replies

devastatednow · 10/12/2012 16:38

On Thursday I was made redundant from my job of twenty seven years. I returned home in a daze to give my wife the news. When I arrived home she seemed more annoyed that I had turned up unexpectedly and she told me that she was meeting a friend for lunch and could not cancel it. I knew from her behaviour that something was not quite right. When she left the house I noticed she had left her phone so I ran after her as I knew she would need it. When I got to the corner of the street she was on another phone that I did not recognise. I confronted her and asked what was going on and to show me the phone. She refused and told me to leave her alone. I continued to walk down the street with her and then she dropped a bombshell that she had met someone else and she loved him and he loved her in return and that they were going to start a new life together. I asked her whon he was , where they had met and how long the relationship had ben going on for but all she would say was that he was a lawyer for a international bank. We have two children ds 17 and dd 10. I begged her to reconsider for their sakes and she said they were old enough now and didn't need me. I asked her to return to the house to talk, but she refused and said nothing was going to stop her from meeting him. The police eventually came and held me while she went off to meet her lover. I was totally devastated and suicidal. I had lost my job, wife, children and home all in a few hours. I wanted to end it all, but also wanted to kill him. I searched every bar and restaurant, but could not find them. I eventually came home and sat in a daze. My wife returned home very upset, but refused to talk to me. A few days later she told me the truth. She had never met this man before, she had only been contacting him through the internet and that had been there first meeting. When she met him it was obvious he was not what he seemed to be but she felt it had gone to far and she could not back out. She had sex with him but he was aggresive and left when it was over. Afterwards he contactede her by text and was abusive and told her he had hiden a camera in the room and that she would soon be all over the internet. He sent further abusive and threatening text and the eventually one with a link to a web site. My wife was devistated and scared. All i wanted to do was hold her and tell her I still loved her but she made it clear that she still would not have me back. I went with her to the police station to make a formal complaint . I have seen a transcript of all the email exchanges and i feel sick. I have looked this excuse for a man up on face book and he is an ugly old man . I have begged my wife to try and put this behind her but she refuses. She has told every one we know that we have seperated but not why and I am not allowed to tell them. I am now undre sadation from the doctor and today I have just recived news that my father has died. I do not see any way forward. I want my life back.Is she doing this because she is ashamed...?

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 10/12/2012 17:00

The police came??? Why did the police come and hold you? On that statement alone I think there is more to this story.

AndrewMyrrh · 10/12/2012 17:02

This is your first post with this name? Why have you posted on MN?

If this is for real, I can't offer much advice. Sorry.

devastatednow · 10/12/2012 17:10

my wife stopped a passing taxi and i got in with her she told the driver that she did not want me in the cab and he phoned the police. the police arrived and told me to get out and let her go.

OP posts:
FBworry · 10/12/2012 17:12

Shock and Confused

Why did the police come?

Why did your wife lie?

ArtVandelay · 10/12/2012 17:20

I think that the best thing to do is to decide what you want to get out of the situation, then you can begin to move towards or ask advice about how to move towards that goal.

You describe quite an unusual and extreme set of events and so its unlikely that you will find a poster who will say 'oh gosh, same thing happened to me - you need to do x, y, z...'

Speak to the GP that sedated you, I'm sure they'd be happy to refer you to counselling or other psychiatric help.

devastatednow · 10/12/2012 17:23

She lied because she wanted to meet this man at all costs. He had told her he had traveled 500 miles to meet her. Nothing was goingto stop her meeting him

OP posts:
Scarey123 · 10/12/2012 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FBworry · 10/12/2012 17:27

But why was she so , so desperate to see him? Why wind you up it was worse situation than it actually was at time? Why pretend she going to set up a new life when she hadn't even met him?

It suggests to me she was at boiling point. Why? Had something terrible being going on in your marriage before all of this?

ArtVandelay · 10/12/2012 17:28

Has she ever done anything like this before? Like so impulsive? Maybe its a sign she's not well?

devastatednow · 10/12/2012 17:30

My doctor has recommended counselling. but has given me valium in the intrim

OP posts:
devastatednow · 10/12/2012 17:42

A couple of months prior to this we were on dating site together just messing around we had talked about having a threesome one with another man and one with a woman. apparently she went on the site alone when i was at work and met himthere.

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 10/12/2012 17:47
Hmm
FBworry · 10/12/2012 17:48

Who's idea was the dating site?

BelaLugosisShed · 10/12/2012 17:52

Soud like a (bad) Eastenders plot.
Judging by a few posts today, I'd say we were being invaded, yet again. Hmm

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 10/12/2012 17:56
Xmas Hmm
devastatednow · 10/12/2012 17:57

the site was a joint idea. This is not sone kind of wind up. I wish to god it was.

OP posts:
SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 10/12/2012 18:00

If she's decided she wants to end the marriage you have no choice but to accept it. Your best option is to seek professional help for your distress but to behave with as much dignity as you can.

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 10/12/2012 18:00

I have a feeling your problems are beyond the collective experience of many mumsnetters. Perhaps there is a more suitable forum for your troubles somewhere else over a bridge.

FBworry · 10/12/2012 18:03

I will take the leap of faith this is real.

Im sorry for this horrible time but being honest, there must have been something amiss in the first place to make your wife act like this towards you.

AbigailAdams · 10/12/2012 18:07

Well I think him getting into the taxi trying to stop her going and the taxi driver having to call the police would be enough for me to want to leave. Your wife isn't a possession. You don't own her. She is allowed to leave you.

HeftyHeifer · 10/12/2012 18:11
Xmas Hmm

Overall, I'd say it's been a strange day on MN today. Xmas Confused

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