5th date... 'trying' to get romantically interested,it really shouldn't be this hard?!

[SummerDaisy]

So, I love reading Mumsnetters wise words of wisdom, so I thought I would seek advice...
I'm a single SAHM to a gorgeous 2 yr old, split up from her dad when she was 6 months. Just started to dip my toe into the dating pool. Was feeling a bit lonely and like I needed a relationship back in June, so signed up to a dating website in July (got pretty limited ways of meeting eligibles at the mo!) Now I'm not even really sure if I DO want a relationship :-(. I certainly want to take things slowly. Plus my confidence has been knocked somewhat by the fact that I havent exactly been inundated with offers since joining the site - not even many messages or 'winks' or suchlike.
Anyway, through the website I have met 2 men. The first one I went on 2 dates with, didn't really click, plus he was saying we were 'boyfriend and girlfriend' on 2nd date - too much!!! So that fizzled out, and recently I've met someone else on there.
We've been on 5 dates so far, most of them have involved going out getting p*ssed / dinner, but I just don't really feel attracted to him even though I feel I should. My friends are saying 'give it chance' and my mum makes me feel guilty as though I'll never meet anyone and settle down?!! On date 4 it was really late and I couldn't get a taxi (dd was at her grandma's) so I stayed at his, reluctantly. He Was quite drunk and he blurted out that he loved me!!! I got into bed with all my clothes on and went to sleep!!! He tried to kiss me on date 5 and I really wasn't interested. I don't really think about him or get excited if he texts me.

I'm not a horrible person and I don't want to lead him on, but I just cant feel the attraction. Maybe it will grow in time, or maybe I'm not interested in anyone and its not just him?? There's nothing wrong with him, he's just a bit full on and that's putting me off too. I have made some bad relationship choices in the past (something which I'm reminded of quite often by my friends and family :-() so I don't even trust my own judgement, but surely there has to be attraction?? What should I do??
Sorry for the massive essay ... thanks for reading :-)

sounds like you just want some new friends rather than a relationship?

I think you've given it a chance with five dates. I've noticed mothers and female friends sometimes have this weird keenness for single women to dutifully plug away at something they know isn't working, almost like you should be grateful that anyone's shown an interest in you! He doesn't sound horrible or anything from what you've said, but if you're not into him, you're not into him. Nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, if you break it off with him nicely and honestly, and start finding you want to see him again, then no harm in suggesting getting back in touch.

I agree with Tommy, sounds like you need company and fun more than anything else. Can your dating profile reflect that?

It does sound more like you want "something" and have decided a relationship will fill the gap in your life. Maybe focus on trying to make friends, take up a hobby, something like that?

If you don't fancy him, then you just don't fancy him. It can grow, but I think you need at least a twitch of excitement for it to grow from. If you don't even feel excited at a kiss, or at hearing from him, then I don't think you should continue to struggle just because you think you "ought" to be in a relationship, even if people make you think its the one way in life to be happy.

Maybe think about what you do want out of life instead?

PS forgot to say, am 37, so it's not like I'm young, I should really have worked all this out by now at my age, just feel useless at this dating lark

Thanks all, think the nail has been hit on the head... wanting company is DEFINITELY not the same as wanting a relationship most of my friends have kids, husbands etc, and sometimes I feel like I'm the one sat in on my own or hanging out with my mum and daughter on weekends when everyone else does 'couply' things

You maybe need a few flings with men you actually fancy... you don't fancy this guy so ditch and move on

Plus I'm probably going back to work next year, so that will definitely give me new focus. I'm sociable and I like to be around others- sometimes being a single SAHM highlights feelings of isolation and lonliness

DearJ0hn I dunno if flings are the answer... am feeling lately that any fizzy feelings or sexual urges have packed their bags and left town?!

It sounds like you just want adult company. Work may help, though it doesn't guarantee anything outside of working hours, at least you get some grown-up conversation about something you have in common. In the meantime, how about an evening class, or volunteering for something, or a class you and your daughter could do together if babysitting is tricky? In time you may meet a bloke you have something in common with, but the dating site is just giving you men who want to be in a relationship - which is fair enough, but they are on a different page from you, so it's no surprise if it hasn't worked out.

Gosh no - anyone at ANY time can get fizzy feelings and come over all peculiar thinking about someone - looking forward to seeing them, dying to hear from them, etc. You are wasting this chap's time by presenting 'interested' behaviour when that's not what you feel. Imagine if the roles were reversed? 'orrible.

I'm on a dating website and for some reason when I am more active and being more proactive - browsing profiles, sending winks, responding to emails - that somehow means I attract more attention from men I haven't even seen before? I don't know if they way the site works is that the more you are 'on' it and doing stuff on it - the higher up the search rankings they place you, and you're just 'seen' more often and therefore more likely to be contacted? Maybe have a blitz on the website - three days where you really trawl through everyone and brazenly wink at loads of guys you like the faces of. Could start something!

I don't think you need to give up on sexual urges at 37 - I'm 46 and they haven't left town round here . But if what you are craving is company, then men who are aiming for a relationship (or even just sex) are unlikely to make you happy at the moment. I think your lack of reaction is just because they are not what you really want, and you can feel the mismatch between what they are saying and doing (which is not in itself wrong, and if you wanted sex or a relationship you might well be happy with them) and what you are hungry for. Sometimes you want crisps, sometimes you want chocolate. The tastiest crisps in the world won't make your mouth water when you really wanted something sweet.

I say go with your instincts. I decided to do the opposite of what my heart told me, due to preceding 'failures', and ended up in a very unhappy and cold relationship (thankfully no longer).

Also, mum and friends gave me terrible, terrible advice in the past. As others have said, they are happy there is a partner on the horizon, so because they want you to be happy, they think wishing hard enough and getting you to cross your fingers will be enough. But it ain't.

Politely bin this man and move on. You have given him long enough to decide whether or not you are interested in him, and you aren't. It's fine to do this (as long as you're not unecessarily harsh or rude when you do it). It would actually be unfair to continue seeing him if he wants a romantic relationship - and sex - with you; let him go and find someone else who fancies him.

I agree with everyone else, what you actually need is a social life. Being single is great anyway, and it's much better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship just to appease stupid people who think that a woman can't function without a man in her life.

I think fizzy feelings come and go throughout life for some people. Doesn't mean they'll never come back. There's a lot of pressure if you're not actually having sex to at least be wanting to most of the time, but really life is not like that as far as I can see. There are stages when your energies simply go towards other things. If I were a couple of years out from a breakup with a 2 year old and only just starting to put my social life back together, I'm not sure I'd be ready to swing from the chandeliers either.

if you don't fancy him by now, you never will

he will simply end up irritating you more and more

dump him kindly and move on

I agree with AF - and it seems like you know what to do, Daisy - drop him gently, don't just vanish, thats never nice, just say you've decided it's too early for you to be seeing anyone and he's a lovely person etc but you don't think it would be right to go any further with him when you're not ready for anything serious.

He does seem to be a bit full on.

There is a dating thread on here with lots of people at various stages of dating - dipping their toe, just giving out advice after taking a break etc. It sounds like you just want grown up conversation - but sometimes chemistry happens out of the blue. You've got to grow a tough skin to do online dating - there are a lot of weirdos out there - but it does work if you keep plugging away at it. If you don't want to plug, though, it's not going to.

You don't fancy him. Move on. And resist the pressure coming from your mum to find another partner. That's her issue- not yours.

It's possible to have an "okay" relationship with loads of men but at the very least there should be some sexual tension from the start or pretty soon.

You aren't so desperate, are you, to settle for the 2nd man to come along who shows some interest in you? Listen to your instincts.

Agree with everyone here, no point trying to force something that isn't there. And you are wasting his time too.

(Also, from reading threads on here, isn't expressing 'I love you' very early on in a relationship a red flag?)

If you do want to carry on with the internet dating, you need to do what undertone suggests further up. Make sure you are proactive and actually contact men you like the look of yourself - don't just wait for them to come to you. I am speaking from experience. I spent a day trawling through profiles, being extremely picky and messaging the guys I liked the look / sound of. Everyone will tell you to give people a chance...but I didn't bother chatting to anyone on there if they didn't tick all my boxes (interests, goals, location, education, and looks of course!)
I met a lovely man and 4 years on we are still together x

Oh and just so you don't feel like you're the only one, my DSis is in a very similar situation as you re. 2 yr old DC and internet dating. She is struggling to make connections too. But, she is just going on there to check who has contacted her, yet is not making the first move herself.

It's definitely not easy, I think interent dating can be quite disheartening sometimes. At the end of the day, a lot is down to luck I think. Myself and a few others I know have met long-term partners. But I have other lovely friends who have been internet dating for years and just not been able to meet the right person for them. x