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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law can't forget my DH ex... Looooong, sorry...

21 replies

Chandra · 09/01/2004 14:04

DH's mother is generally a lovely person with a very BIG mouth, I don't believe that she's wanting to hurt me with her comments but she does anyway... 5 years before meeting DH (we have been married for 7, DH was going to marry a manic depresive girl (I'm not being rough on her, she is not the problem and I understand she is ill), but she kept changing her mind so many times that the last time she called off the wedding he decided that enough was enough and finished the relationship for good. My MIL is always saying how emotionally unstable she was but don't miss any oportunity to speak about her and up until recently she had contact with her (having tea together etc.).I'm not jelous of his X because I know he doesn't care about her but I find it a bit disrepectful to me that everytime we met family friends MIL and SIL don't miss any opportunity to talk about her to them or ask them if they have seen her.

Before getting married I used to consider myself a very successful person in career terms, had a great job, lots of friends, liked my image and loved my sports car but when I got married we moved to this country, unfortunately I couldn't continue working in my area, so no job, and just one not-very-good-salary for two persons but we managed and it was OK but it's getting a bit difficult now that we have a baby.
It is not that I specially love the way I dress, actually I hate it, I'm very concerned with the way I look but I am doing my best with what I can afford.... however, two days ago my MIL decided to give me a class on the arts of good dressing claiming that my husband needed to dress better for work, I agreed to that but I said he didn't had the same view about it (didn't want to mention the money issue), to which she answered by pointing out that DH used to dress very well when he was dating X who used to care a lot about image. I just answered that I would love to dress better and used to do it but since DH has decided to do the work that he love we couldn't expect a good salary and that I was tired of the situation and have asked DH to move back to our country where we both could work or find himself a better paid job because I was tired of not being able to buy a lipstick withouth thinking for two weeks if we could afford the expense.

MIL got petrified as she thought we were doing far better than that (just few minutes before she was condemning my dinning chairs from IKEA while telling me that ligne roset made some beautiful comfy ones that only costed £545.00 each!!!) DH said that she deserved that answer (so he is not angry with me) but I have started to wonder if I have put up with these comparisons for far too long and would love to have any suggestions about how to stop her (she's stubborn as a donkey, I have tried discrete ways of teling her I'm not happy about it but she just keeps going...)
Any help, suggestions, etc. even to cheer me up will be highly appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 14:04

Oh God!!! is even longer than I thought...

OP posts:

fio2 · 09/01/2004 14:17

Look your dh loves you and dont forget that His mum and sister most probably just feel sorry for his x but I think it is rather rude that they talk about her all the time in front of you. Cant your dh say something to them? It really shouldnt be up to you to tell them to stop it. As for the image thing I cannot stand vanity and I think being vain is not a very good quality. Wanting to be clean, healthy and tidy is fine. But image concious I dont see that as an important quality in itself.

StressyHead · 09/01/2004 14:18

message withdrawn

marialuisa · 09/01/2004 14:20

Umm, she just sounds completely tactless to me. A your Dh seems supportive could you ask him to say "we're not interested2 or something when she witters on about his ex? Seems as if answering her back and avoiding her company without DH might help. could you work p/t to help your self-esteem/money situation, if you are really worried about that side of tings?

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 14:25

Thanks Fio2, I have learned to apreciate those things in the last few years, it's just that there are sometimes when these comments make me feel as if I am not good enough for DH, or to mix with their group...

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fio2 · 09/01/2004 14:30

well you are good enough chandra, your dh thinks so and thats all that matters really. Are you sure they really do think like that though and are not just to tactless to realise what they are doing? If they are doing it to belittle you then that is a different thing altogether. My Il's used to talk about my dh's ex in front of me and it used to really wind me up, because it is in the past and you should talk about the here and now, not the maybe's. Dh just had a word with them and they dont do it anymore I would have a word with your dh

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 14:30

DH has spoke to her in the past but she always says that she has always spoke the truth and she feels well doing it. The other charm last weekend was that she told me she hated my DS name and would call him the way she wanted (she is using a simmilar name that is now only used for girls, and introducing him to everybody with it...) I have said that she doesn't needed to lie, that she only needed to be a little more diplomatic but she said that she couldn't...

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fio2 · 09/01/2004 14:33

Oh God she sounds like a right one! I think you have got alot of patience with her tbh if she takes that attitude. I would limit the time you see her then. She really shouldnt call your ds by a different name either, thats confusing for him.

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 14:47

We have stoped seeing her for the lenght of my pregnancy when we had another discussion about the way to raise a child... she told me that DS was not mine only but hers and she had the right to participate in the decissions... to that I answered that DS didn't belong to anybody but himself and stop any contact... she is not a bad person but it really drives me crazy that she doesn't keep anything to herself... on the other hand... she is extremely sensitive... She wants to tell the truths but is not able to hear it... Oh dear...

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fio2 · 09/01/2004 14:50

Chandra I know what you mean, I know many people like that. Feels like a no win doesnt it. If you are going to keep contact and she wont change her ways, you are going to accept that this is how it is. You will just have to ignore her comments and take them with a pinch of salt. I dont know what else to suggest.

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 15:07

You are very right...yet is difficult...

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fio2 · 09/01/2004 15:10

I KNOW it is difficult

fio2 · 09/01/2004 15:10

someone might have better advice than me, maybe a good soluiton Good Luck

marialuisa · 09/01/2004 15:21

Chandra, sorry to be nosey, but are you or your MIL Asian? The name and her comments made me wonder? A white friend went throug something similar with her Asian MIL, even the name thing, there was some tradition that MIL should name grandkids, matters were compounded by friend and DH choosing English name.

TBH, I thiunk you need to "speak the truth" and see how she likes being on the receiving end. As your DH has been supportive in the past, would he support again?

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 15:55

ML, you would be surprised... they are from Spain. For a long time I used to believe it was a cultural problem, but as every Spanish person I know has find it very offensive I assume now that it is not.
I feel I'm going in circles as you all have all this great suggestions and it may seem as if I don't want to try.... the truth is I have tried a lot....one day I got so fed up because she asked me to try to hide my latin american origins (she is such a nacionalist person)that I just blown up and said all that bothered me, MIL and SIL cried I was on tears and at the end we gave each other a hug and I thoought that was the end of the problems, as with that discussion they both would know those comments were hurting me and they would try to avoid that kind of comments in the future.... They started again next day and 4 years later she has not yet forgiven me that I have said that to her.
The problem is that these misshaps are one of the few things that keep us living in the UK, we long to go back but we are not quite sure how good it will be for our marriage to have these sort of things in a daily basis rather than just in holodays and visits and 4-6 times a week over the phone...

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marialuisa · 09/01/2004 16:13

First I was shocked, then thinking about it not so shocked. my dad is half Mallorquin/half italian so i have some insight into mediterranean family systems(!) It sounds as if there are lots of issues that you need to resolve with your DH, esp. the bit about "hiding" your origins. You sound as if you are both desperate to go home, is there anyway you could go back to Spain but live some distance from the in-laws?

Sorry, no real help, but MIL and SIL are defo in the wrong.

Original poster

Chandra · 09/01/2004 16:20

Sa roquetta es molt petita IYWIM

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lyndsey66 · 09/01/2004 19:58

I couldnt believe this. You poor thing. I bet you feel really bullied. There is a real difference between being constructive and being tactless. She sounds like a blooming nightmare.
Dont let them tell you how to act, be, behave, dress and never feel like you have justify yourself or your financial situation.
You sound like a really reasonable and nice person- I dont think I could be as calm about all this as you. You are totally in the right and no wonder these comments hurt you.
I bet they used to do this to your dh x as well!

I would ignore the situation because it sounds like trying to talk it out isnt working. (I know it is easier said than done). Dont let them win by itimidating you just smile sweetly and dont enter into any conversation where she can lecture you, If she starts just smile and have a good old rant on here after!! If you argue back with her you are just giving her ammunition and she will just say it is her opinion. You sound like a nice person, your mil sounds really stuck in her ways.

sorry about spelling mistakes and apologises if I have repeated what other people have said, am in a rush.

morocco · 10/01/2004 15:30

4 - 6 times a week over the phone - no wonder she's driving you mad!! do you speak to her that often or is it usually your dh she speaks to? I'd advise not speaking to her at all on the phone if possible - if you answer, say hi and then 'I'll just get dh for you - you must be dying to catch up with him'.
Then don't ever ask dh what she says and you can live in blissful ignorance for most of the year
Works for me!

sis · 10/01/2004 20:38

Definately think 4-6 phone calls a week are a bit much. If they call just to speak to you, just say you are in the middle of something and will call them back but 'forget' to do so and I'm sure the calls will reduce... You can always be apologetic for not getting back if they call back a week later cos you still haven't got back to them!

Original poster

Chandra · 10/01/2004 23:45

Thanks for hearing me, I feel much better now... and appologises in advance as I'm sure I will be back ranting here about dear in-laws in the near future

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