I am seething re: joint bank account.

[Longdistance]

Argh! I am so angry now I could kill.

Long story, but moved Herero Oz last year, gave up everything including my career of 15 years. Have had a stressful time of it here, and my dh Is not helping with his stupidity.

Anyway. To cut a long story short, he's been an absolute bastard with money. He earns a lot, and I get given house keeping like I'm a 1950's fucking housewife. He has in the past questioned where this money is going. Obviously on Gucci handbags with the proxy amount he gives me.
Also,we have rented our house out in the Uk, and there is somewhat £750 a month profit coming in from the rental. I haven't seen a penny. I have asked, and he has said he's paid back his dad some money 'we' borrowed. I never asked, my h did. But that leaves around £4k missing which he says he has paid into the mortgage.
I haven't seen any statements to this, but did stumble across £700 worth of shares he bought back in June. I only came across these as was on holiday in the uk, and opened his post. I have developed a mistrust as when I was pg with dd1, we had a barny about me buying sun blinds for my car for when dd was going to be born. It only turned out later, that I found out he had £2k in various shares. This now adds up to around £8k in total as he has been buying them without my knowledge.
So, we had words back in April, and he agreed on the joint account. Since then, I have mentioned it more than several times, and he's been like 'yeah, yeah, when do you want to do it?' But, the banks are never open when he finishes work, cos of long hours, so it's been left, and left.
I mentioned it tonight for the umpteenth time and he said sarcastically'I do work during the week' at which point I just said 'there's no talking to you sometimes' and I just walked off as I was just about to erupt in anger bit my tongue as usual but it's ok fr him to finish early and go on a jolly, but not sort out this joint bank account. I've just locked myself in the bedroom, he followed wanting to talk, but I locked the door, and have ignored him like he's one o me for god knows how long
I'm now in the room really upset, but seething.

Come calm me down

Hmm. I don't really want to calm you down, you are justifiably angry. Does he never take a holiday?

Well it's 2.30pm in the afternoon and you said he was there with you. The banks are open now.

Open it online? They'll send you documents in the post and you can take ID into branch. You can probably take his too, but if not, there will be a time when he can get there.

To be honest, though, it's not about bank times. It's about the lack of equality, and his secrecy, and the fact that he feels he needs to keep you poor and financially reliant on him.

Clipped - she's in Australia!

CllippedPhoenix OP said they are in Australia. It's not 2:30pm in Australia.

LD

Not altogether surprisingly he has reneged on the opening of a joint bank account. I would go as far to say he will never let you have any real access to the finances.

What caja wrote in her second paragraph to the letter; he actively enjoys keeping you poor. I bet he was exactly the same before you moved to Oz. Financial abuse like you're experiencing is but one facet of abuse; its all about power and control.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How long have you been there?

Do your children count as "ordinarily resident"?

Really, you need to go home and get away from this abusive twat.

It would not surprise me either to read that his own family are tight fisted as well with regards to money or gifts. Controlling behaviours are often learnt ones from family.

Just wrote a reply, and then lost it.
His dm is a complete tight arse, and his df is much the same. His dm trawls car boots, and charity shops, and some of the tat she has bought, is shocking. His df tucks money away into different accounts here and there. I know this as dh has told me himself.
We have been here in Oz over a year, and we're on business visas, that are only valid 4 years. If he loses his job, he has to get another company to sponsor him to work for them or we would be forced to leave in 28 days.

The apple did not fall far from the tree with regards to your controlling H did it?.

So what do you get from this relationship now?. You did not answer that for a reason.

You sound really miserable and far away from the UK as well. These control issues of your DHs came with you.

Is this really what you want to teach your own children about relationships because living with a controlling man is not worth it.

Sorry OP, missed the time bit.

It just doesn't sound that he will ever want to "share" anything equally with you, there will always be some kind of excuse. Can you live with that kind of person OP?

I also wouldn't trust him not to squirrel money away either if you do eventually drag him to the bank to open a joint account.

Do you have access to his bank statements? I would be copying them and doing a bit of quiet detective work on where all the money is going. Are you on the deeds on your house in the UK?

Oh, and next time he asked you where all the money is going, I'd be inclined to reply that you were just going to ask the same of him.

I would withdraw all domestic services for him - cooking, washing, cleaning, shopping etc.

Remember that you are enabling him to earn good money - all his money is FAMILY money, not just his.

He is treating you like a servant and no wonder you are upset

At what point in your marriage vows did you agree that he'd be like your dad, doling out pocket money and having a go if he deemed you to be wasting it?
You're an adult, ffs.

Stay angry and get this sorted out!

You just cracked me up clam :)

I have no access to accounts as they're all online. I have been through paperwork etc in the office. Apparently I'm supposed to know where everything is kept in his stupid little boxes. They're not labelled, so it's guess the box
Tbh, I don't know what I'm getting out of this marriage any more. I really hate living here in Oz. I haven't settled at all. We just had to move house again as the previous rental sold. So, it's my 4th move in 6years. I have joined loads of groups to meet people, but the only ones I find friendly are the Brits

My dd's are 3 and 18mo btw.

This is no good. You need your own income. He has an income and is being very mean and tight with money. It isn't a sharing partnership is it? So all his salary is going into his account and you are doled out an amount for housekeeping and he has the rest. And this is rightly making you feel furious. I'd be thinking about getting my own career back on track and not relying on this awful man for money.

I remember your previous posts OP, and things don't seem to have moved on much

REally the practicalities are a side issue - you could do it all online if he wanted to.

This is about financial abuse - and his control.

Personally I couldn't put up with this - he's treating you like you're a thick twat.

Where's your bottom line?

Well, it's 9am here, and we're meeting him near his work in the city to open the joint account.
Next step, to get the accounts for the rental sorted.

Good work. I take it you told it like it is and he understood?

Tbh I'd also want to know what has happened to the money he has been using until now. It IS family money. You've had to give up so much. Don't just draw a line under it, if he's been frittering it away on shit he needs to think about repaying it to the House, so you and dc can enjoy too.

I hate to piss on the proverbial fireworks - even if the joint account is opened, no guarantees that he will pay his salary into it. My guess is he will put over a set sum/allowance/housekeeping etc and continue to use his own account.