Can you sum up what marriage means to you?

[rahrahthelion]

My partner and i were going to get engaged this year but for one reason or anothr we didnt and in fact we split up a month or so ago. We have been working through our problems and I feel much mre positive about our future together.

We havent yet discussed marriage since we got back together but I don't want it to become the elephant in the room so am going to raise it tonight.

One of the things that has become obvious through our talking and relationship conselling is that he thought our reltationship was one thing, and I thought it was another. I suspect the same goes for what we thought marriage was. I don't want a proposal until we are sure we areboth on the same page, so want to prempt that,

I'm having trouble summing up what I think marriage is to be honest... or what I want our marriage to look like. I know for me it is a spiritual thing rather than a practicle thing. But I'd like to hear how other people think about it...

Love/commitment

Never been married and it's never bothered me until recently but the older I get, the more important it is becoming to me. I can't explain why other than the feeling that marriage suggests complete and total commitment to one another. And that's what I want.

The ring, the wedding, the honeymoon - keep all that, it doesn't interest me. It's the sentiment behind it that I want.

To me, it means mutual respect, lifelong fidelity and absolute commitment to support one another and if you choose to have children, equal parenting and support.

Me too. "commitment" was my reason before... his was that he wanted me to be the person that he "did things" with. He said to him it was about someone to share your life with. (live together, go to the movies, have dinner etc etc and sex of course)

We stupidly didnt really discuss it and now Ive changed my mind anyway and feel like its a spiritual thing (if that doesnt sound a bit wooo!). It's not enough to be his physical companion... I feel like we're really connected now (first time in 5 years together) but I cant seem to express how I would want that to translate in to a future marriage...

I think you're both overthinking it. I'm not even sure what you mean.

Marriage is about a legal commitment, love, companionship, fidelity, respect and a lifelong relationship.

Even if you do think it's a 'spiritual thing', does that matter either way?

Or just you are overthinking it.

Well, where our relationship went wrong is that one of us thought our relationship was one thing, and the other thought something else. Because he thought it was about doing stuff together and having sex, when we recently went through some stresses and those things weren't happening - there was nothing left of our realtionship, he wasn't satisfied, and he ended it.

So I don't want to marry him under those circulmstances as I don't think that it will get us through the next 40 odd years.

I feel like there is more to it. But don't know how to explain it, or even how to understand it in my own head. I have absolutely zero examples of a good or happy marriage. Not one family member or friend has one. So I have no idea what it looks like. Nor him.

Pretty sad really.

For me it's about the commitment, being eachothers support, working together for the benefit of our family, someone to share my life with.

I would assume DH thinks the same, it's not really something we talked about (in terms of meaning, obviously we talked about the wedding) but we have a great relationship so I'm guessing it is!

Well OK going by your last post what you actually mean is you want a lot more (understandably) than he's prepared to give. He wants sex and companionship, you want shared values, a shared life, love and lifelong commitment, a deeper connection. Doesn't sound like you are compatible and certainly doesn't sound like he reciprocates your feelings or even wants to get married.

Marriage is the legal and financial underpinnings of a relationship that you hope will last.

What you seek within that relationship can vary enormously (for example whether you choose monogamy or not). I suppose what I put highest value on was having someone on my side through thick and thin; trust and honesty being two important qualities in that.

For me I think it's about really being on someone's side. By marrying someone you're saying "I'm with you" and that, within reason of course, you will stand by them, support them, respect them, have a laugh and a cry with them and always take them into account in every decision in your life. You're they're ally, the person they should think of when they need help, the person who'll cheer for them and commiserate with them and buck them up when they need it.

It sounds like your DP has a slightly immature notion of relationships - ie that relationships are "acted out" in a certain way and if that those actions stop, the relationship stops. That viewpoint isn't the basis for a good relationship IMO as there will absolutely definitely be times when you're not having sex, and not doing stuff together, (immediately after having a baby would be a prime example) and yet the love and support still needs to continue.

their ally

Yes - that sums up what he was thinking: That we were acting out the relationship and that when the acts stopped (even if for a short time) there was no relationship. He didn't apparently know what love was AT ALL (EA marriage for 10 years before me and no other relationships) so the last few weeks have been quite an education for both of us and we both feel a lot more connected but I need to make sure that he is really thinking differently because I don't want to get in to a marriage with no foundations...

Speaking from the perspective of 36 years of marriage and 40 years together. Marriage has been all about: caring; sharing; loving; fidelity; laughter; putting the other first; pulling together in times of difficulty; respect; loyalty; trust; unselfishness; communication; planning together decisions - (children, family, parenting). It helps that we are compatible. He is a high flier I am the 'wind beneath his wings'. We do not compete with each other. There are no egos in our relationship. We always have goals together to aspire in our life together.

I would do it all again with the same person. I still look forward to life together as we prepare for life in the slower lane. We enjoy each other's company and know each other inside out. My strengths complement his weaknesses and he is my absolute rock.

I have always felt secure in my relationship with him. Not a minute of doubt or mistrust. We just fit.