How the one of you can bring the two of you together by Susan Page

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Hi, I was just wondering of anyone had read this book and wanted to share experiences of putting it into practise?

If this author is advocating that one person does all the work to try and save a failing marriage, then it is a book actually worth avoiding.

No, haven't read the book.

But the blurb says that MS Page believes the EVERYONE can have the relationship they want by doing as she says.And that this is a refreshing departure from most relationship books because you can do everything by yourself! surely that goes against the very nature of a relationship which is a partnership, not a one man (or woman) band.

Personally I cannot see how this can work...yes you may be able to change yyourself and make yourself happier but you can only be responsible for your own side of the relationship...there are plenty of women on the is board who gave everything that they had to their marriage...but their OH went and slept with someone else; ask someone who has escaped from domestic abuse how much they put into it and they will often describe years and years of trying to change their marriage from the inside.

So, even if the book offers good techniques and insight...the blurb is saying that you can take responsibility for a relationship alone...and that just can't be true...you can't change someone else, only yourself.

Not being a fan of self-help literature I haven't read the book but, if I was to judge by the title, I'd say this was more for someone already in a reasonably sound relationship trying to improve it rather than pulling a very damaged relationship back from the brink. If the relationship is on a good footing and you want to inject a little spontaneity by taking the initiative and trying new ways to communicate I can see that unilateral changes might make a difference... lead by example, etc. But if things have already broken down and no-one is cooperating, the danger is that one person's solo efforts become an exercise in futility that crushes them entirely.

Can see the everyones point, but the author explains that many problems come from a dynamic between 2 people, so one person changing that behaviour can change the dynamic and force the other person to change as well. But I think the book is more suitable for people with ongoing niggles, rather than for people on the brink of divorce.

One person can initiate it and even foster it, but it still takes two.

That can work for ongoing niggles, certainly. A lot of couples get into bad habits where certain triggers always produce the same response to the extent that it's like a stuck record and no-one's really thinking about what they're saying any more. Sometimes changing the response slightly changes the outcome.

That has to be distinct, however, from one person making all the running in the face of no response or feeling they are 100% responsible for keeping things together. That's just soul-destroying and no good for anyone.

Given that we don't advocate domestic violence, I'm guessing she doesn't go for the "swift frying pan to the back of the head" technique.

Not seen anything about frying pans yet Annie, but I'll let you know if it's in a later chapter...

Not only can you not make someone love you, but it's verging on unethical to keep trying. People have the right to leave partners they no longer want, and to refuse to begin relationships with someone no matter how much that someone 'loves' them.

Won't help in an abusive relationship, in fact will probably make the abuser worse. Very dangerous.

Sounds a bit like those crazy ladies who 'marry' trees and other random inanimate objects

I've been doing some of the initial exercises which is mainly about writing down your feelings about the relationship and your role in creating the feelings. It has been insightful, and I did sit there last night looking at the page and realising what things might look like from DHs perspective. I think it's quite different from SW/FW Crescent, though I must say, although those books didn't work for me in there entirety I definitely benefited from them.

I think the 'doing it by yourself' stuff, works to a degree because you don't have to wait for the other person to agree to change, but that doesn't mean they won't change if you take the initiative. The book doesn't condone staying in an abusive relationship, and there is a chapter about assessing your relationship to see if it's worth hanging on to or not.

The issue I have is that some women don't realise they are in an abusive relationship because of conditioning when younger or conditioning by the abuser. And so may use this book to try and save a doomed relationship. This could in fact their situation worse and potentially more dangerous.

Abigail, yes I see your point, it's difficult though isn't it because some people with non-abusive relationships find them useful.

It's double edged: if you're in an OK relationship that has gone flat, it would probably be quite helpful.

If it's dysfunctional, then trying to 'save' it unilaterally would be an exercise in futility which would leave the one making the attempt even more flattened. That is risky as it is destructive; but if it brings the realisation that 'out' is the only way ahead, then it could precipitate separation (not sure how likely that is).

If the other partner wants out, it won't make any difference at all. I agree you can't make someone want to stay with you. But if that person hasn't got the basic honesty to leave, then making a unilateral attempt to mend seems fair enough. But needs to be tempered with insight into what you will settle for in the long run.

Well I am deeply suspicious of a book that requires only one person to change (and obviously no guarantees that the other person will change). Because 3 guesses who the likely person will be. And the focus is always on women changing their behaviour in relationships. Women being the gatekeepers of relationship health. I would also be worried that the book itself could be used manipulatively by abusers.

Just had a look at the book on Amazon and the synopsis says "For anyone in a relationship that needs major repairs" which does not sound like a little tweaking. A relationship that needs major repairs is a big red flag. In addition the first review, by a man interestingly, also recommends "Men are from mars....". Grim. Very grim.

Altogether it isn't winning me over, in case you hadn't guessed!