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Original poster

What do I do?

16 replies

spursmum · 10/04/2006 21:02

I don't go for all that name-changing ( apologies to those who must or want to)so here goes.
I have been seeing a bloke for about 6 months and we get on good but lately I get the feeling that I am just a fall back in case his ex gets bored.
She has complete control over him, she says jump he says how high. He drops everything to go to her and his kids only for her to throw it back in his face. An example: She calls frantic saying that his son has seriously hurt himself falling off the top of a slide, when he gets there it was only a graze down his chin, she just wanted to see if he would drop everything on her say-so.
Anyway, we cooled things for a bit as he was having a few problems which I thought was a good thing. He calls last night saying how much he missed me and wanted to patch things up, saying that he wants to explain things and grovel etc.
He promises to come round today and talk things over and guess what....he has not shown up!!
I can guarantee that he will turn up at a ridiculous of the night, or call apologising for not turning up.
The thing is that I think I should end it completely as all this mucking around is not good for me or ds.

So my problem is Do I end it and potentially ruin what may be a good thing or Am I right in cutting my losses?
Any advice would be appreciated? TIA

OP posts:
Dizzymama · 10/04/2006 21:20

Spursmum, a friend of mine was recently in a similar situation. I advised her to drop him as he really was causing a lot of grief by being constantly unreliable. He was incredibly shocked as (IMO) he presumed she would always be there for him nomatter what he did or how he treated her. He has since pulled his act together and made her his priority. They're trying to make a go of it but very much on her terms. I'm not saying it would work this way for you, but thought it was worth posting as so similar to your current situation.
All the best

BadHair · 10/04/2006 21:20

I would ditch him. It's fair enough that he's putting his kids first, but he is also prioritising his ex over you.
If you want reliability and you can't rely on him, then he is not the one for you.

madamechocolat · 10/04/2006 21:22

Sorry to hear things are tricky with your man. For what it's worth, I'd sit him down and spell it out - either he changes or you're out of there. Take no prisoners.....Wink

Original poster
spursmum · 10/04/2006 21:27

Badhair- If it was just me the reliability wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I don't want ds to get attached to a bloke who walks in and out of our lives. He has his father for that sh*t!
Spidermama-That's what I was thinking. Maybe the ultimatum will shock him into realising how he acts. It will have to be on my terms of course(with the exception of his kids obviously) but he can't seem to see that his ex is playing him.
Thanks for the replies, Ladies!!Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
spursmum · 10/04/2006 21:29

Madamechocolat-love the name BTW. I may have to be blunt to get through to him. Men, eh?Smile

OP posts:
sanchpanch · 11/04/2006 08:47

Did he end the relationship with her?

maybe he feels guilty for leaving her and the kids and copes with this by being there for her, i don't know and i am not excusing it, i would never call my ex for help or assistance, because i dont feel that he is there for me in that way anymore, although he often says you should have called me, when i tell him about some kind of drama, but i wouldnt want him to think he has helped me in anyway,

I do know one thing though i would'nt waste my time with someone who isnt willing to give me what i want, i have promised myself that if i have any doubts then i will move on, because since me and him split i have learnt so much about myself and i am not willing to except 2nd best,
I wish you all the best with your pep talk to him.......

Original poster
spursmum · 11/04/2006 13:30

Sanchpanch- It was a mutual decision AFAIK. He does feel very guilty about the kids so he pays a lot of support for them which I think is his way of compensating for his absence.

Well I didn't get even so much as a call or text to inform me if something had come up. If I am so low on his list of priorites that I don't deserve a message then I don't want to be with him. This just confirms my suspicions that I am only here for when it suits him.
I will not be taking this cr*p as me and ds deserve so much better.

Thanks for the advice girls!!

OP posts:
anniemac · 11/04/2006 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
spursmum · 11/04/2006 16:54

Thanks for that point of view Anniemac- I guess I never thought of that as ds' father has absolutely nothing to do with him and I don't have to deal with that kind of baggage.
The boundaries are still definately blurred, a typical response is "I got a great blow job the other day, shame it was from XP" How am I supposed to accept that?
The reason I have said that its the whole "jump, how high?" is because (in his words) she has called asking if she can discuss issues affecting their children and when he gets there, she laughs and says that now he is there, he can look after the kids so she can go out with her new bloke!
He says that she uses the kids against him, her latest being that she wants to move to Scotland with them, the problem is he lives in Herts!!
Im just thinking that he has too many problems with the baggage and boundaries and it would cause a lot of grief between us and Im not willing to put me and my ds though all that hassle.

OP posts:
anniemac · 11/04/2006 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/04/2006 17:44

Err - now a comment like that would make me want to fuck him off.

The baggage i could be a bit more understanding with.

Caligula · 11/04/2006 17:46

In this case, the boundaries sound so blurred as to be non-existent. I'd run a mile, tbh.

Original poster
spursmum · 11/04/2006 21:59

I'm already running!!
Thanks to you lot, I am finally seeing things a lot clearer than just taking his word for things.

I guess it was because I had been single for a while and it felt good to have a blokes attention again when it was there.

OP posts:
fransmom · 11/04/2006 23:27

Shock blow job? excuse me? i was in the same situation as you spursmum, she kept interfering (and still tries it on so have changed phone numbers) and wouldn't leave alone. it is a kind of power play that she can keep clicking her fingers and have him come running. the only way that i could get dp to have it stopped was to lay down the law - to stop it or i leave. he knew she wasn't any good, and i am better but he had to have the ultimatum to make him realise what he was doing. it's took two years to get where we are now - please don't go through the same thing, not just for your dc sake, but for yours. take care of you. fm x

lou33 · 12/04/2006 00:30

if he says that sort of comment, tell him to fuck right off after kissing your arse

how dare he

essbee · 12/04/2006 00:32

He sounds like a complete tosser to me, sorry but he does. You desrve better, you really really do.

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