how do you know if a man is genuine?

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I wondered if anyone could give me any warning signs and/or hints as to how to tell whether a man is genuine and not just trying to charm you into bed. In particular if you live some distance apart and so most of the contact is by text, e-mail etc. Also what are the early warning signs that someone will turn into an abusive bast**d 2 years down the line (as ex-h did but it was so long ago that I've forgotten the early stages ).

Wow... if I knew all that I'd write a book and be a millionaire!!! :) All I've got is my very imperfect experience. Genuine people are usually consistent. Fakes trip themselves up eventually. The trick is to keep your eyes and ears open and judge what's actually in front of you rather than what you want to see/hear. Funnily enough, it's far easier to spot a lie over the phone than it is in person so maybe try that rather than just texts and emails

Abusive people... hmm... I think that again falls into the category of not kidding yourself. The 'early warning signs' for me are less to do with the other person therefore, and more to do with yourself. If you find you're compromising your values, making excuses for someone, defending them or rationalising their behaviour too often.... treat that as a danger signal.

If he's breathing, that's usually a red flag OP

This thread is great: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

But generally ... having to justify behaviour: "He's just stressed", "I could be more understanding", etc. No matter how stressed he is, or his relationship with his parents, or how much he's been drinking, he should be treating you with respect and compassion. Basically, anything that makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable or doesn't fit with your view of what a Nice Man looks like. That doesn't mean always capitulating; DP sometimes has to tell me I'm being ridiculous often-- always post a night out) but does so in a way that's respectful and kind and acting in my best interest.

It may be nothing but it's always good to be aware - don't fool yourself into thinking he's a good man just because he's YOUR man.

If you find yourself having to talk yourself round to rationalise his behaviour and/or how you feel about it it's a red flag.

Even if the issues only seem small.

If you're telling yourself to be less demanding, more understanding, enjoy the moment more (ie put up with insecurity stemming from his inconsistency) then end it and move on.

I'm not having to justify anything atm. He seems very nice, taking it slowly, no pressure etc but I then wonder if he is just charming me? I guess that I'm struggling to really believe that he is that interested in me - ie he will often say "how was your day" and I guess that I'm not used to anyone caring how my day was .

Oprah Winfrey knows a thing or two about red flags

He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
He wants your undivided attention.
He must always be in charge.
He always has to win.
He breaks promises all the time.
He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
He has a mean temper.
He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.

From the August 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

Read more: www.oprah.com/relationships/Abusive-Men-The-Red-Flags#ixzz2EawgGeqm

Take note of his words. Then take note of his actions. If the two match, then he is a genuine man.

he seems very nice - likes kids (helps out at local scouts), devoted to his kids (single dad but they are old teenagers now), good job etc. I guess that I am just wondering why he is still single...and have just come out of a VA and EA marriage so am suspicious

I don't have much to add here ( by no means an expert!) but as a wise Irish friend once told me adorns Irish accent 'if it looks like a rat and it smells like a rat, what the f*ck do you think it is?' Am not saying your chap is a rat , bit if you have an instinct, and something's just not right...

"he seems very nice"

So take him on face value perhaps until he does something to make you think otherwise. There are a lot of us nice, single people out there.