Separated: 2 years on...

[MaeBee]

so, i used these boards A LOT a few years ago during relationship trauma and thought i owed a report back.
2 years after we split up i just want to say, yes, it so totally was the right decision for me. i am so so much happier. he isn't, admittedly, and still sees it that i "broke up the family". (despite a pro feminist politics, hmmmm!)
i used these boards to discuss and compare and basically it took years and years to eventually come to some closure and decision. i now live just a street down from him, which is really convienient, we do more or less 50/50 childcare, and i feel like MYSELF again.
i have suspicions about the nuclear family and for me, it was never going to be a dream. i really love being a mum. i really love the fact i'm NOT a mum half of the week and get to do all the other million trillion things i want to do. oh, and go to work and shit. i never have had a dream of growing old and forever together with someone, and maybe that has influenced the outcome.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that if you're in that quandry, there is loads of potential for a full rich wonderful life. if you feel suffocated, like you're dying, like you are only half the person you used to be...there's a lot of focus on "working it out" etc etc but it isn't necessarily the best answer.
and whatever you choose....all the best! x

Thanks for this. I have separated recently and am struggling a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel liberated, sometimes lonely. It was me that called time. But I keep wondering if I did the right thing. Were you lonely at first?

I miss my children (who I will be sharing 50:50 when dh moves into his own house in a couple of weeks) when they are not with me. I'm just not used to having so much time on my own. I'm also shit at all the admin stuff - bills, insurances, etc and feel a bit all at sea after being institutionalised for the last 15 years.

Do you mind me asking, how long did it take before you felt good about it all, or did you right from go? And do you think you will ever live with a man again? I can't imagine it myself but I don't know if that is just because it is early days.

Really pleased for you that it's worked out so well for you :)

I am really glad to hear a positive story Maebee. it was just what I needed!

Im not even as far as tiredofwaiting (gives a big wave out to tiredofwaiting) and I really need to hear that it will be ok when he finally leaves.

I'm guessing I'm gonna be coming to mumsnet a lot over the next few months

Really happy for you x

hi there, and thanks for all the positivity!
tiredofwaiting: it will change. i promise. it will start to feel easier. if mumsnet taught me anything it was "this too shall pass"! for me personally, i think i did all the emotional leaving when i was with him. and that was my lonelier time.
i'm really lucky cos i live in a big community where i know most of the people in my street. because of political campaigning over the last decade or so i have a lot of very close friends, and i think that really helps. i never 'retreated' to a couple relationship if that makes sense?
my main thing was guilt. i felt terrible that i might be making things so bad for him and so bad for my son. but i GENUINELY think i'm a better mother for it, and i'm super close to my boy now. i think i used to feel so angry when i was with my ex partner that i would take it out on my son, not knowing who it was i needed space from. ( i dont mean i hit him, i mean i would snap at him and get really irritable and stuff.)
i can't imagine living with a man (or a woman, i'm bisexual) again. i have always done polyamorous relationships anyway; even with my son's dad; and towards the end of my relationship with my son's dad i started very casually seeing a much younger man. he's 14 years younger. somehow, we're still seeing each other! it works really well for me mostly cos there is no talk of cohabiting, and we're both very independent.my ex sees it that i chose this young man over him but that really, really wasn't the case at all. also there is no chance of him being like a step dad to my son, it's very separate. i would add we have awesome sex too, and i lost that side of me when i was with my son's dad. my body now does things i never even knew it could! (tmi?). mostly though, there is a respect and a friendship that i stopped having with my ex. and that is so so vital.
i think one of the things that gave me strength during it was writing a diary and when i read back at how miserable i was, it's easy to see how much better things are now. my parents are still together but they have a miserable relationship and my big fear was being like that: stuck with someone who doesn't make me feel the full potential of myself.
sometimes i see couples together and feel a bit wistful that wasn't me. but when i talk to friends i usually hear their unhappinesses, and realise that they often aren't these happy families like i imagined.
christmas day we still all celebrate together. he takes my son to his parents on boxing day, and i am invited, and i would love to go, but my ex isn't ready for that. those moments are sad and i might feel a bit tearful, but i have my best friend in town and we'll go for a walk and to the pub. and i'll get him back in the evening.
it really, really will be the right decision if you are feeling like you weren't totally yourself in the relationship. i don't think something has to be an ongoing honeymoon but if you are less than you, if you were thinking every day about leaving, then i'm really sure separation is the right thing to do.
stay strong. love and solidarity and sisterhood. xxx

Thank you maebee - reading that was very helpful as having separated a few months ago, but continuing to live together, we are now approaching moving day (me and the kids going) early in the new year. I feel overwhelming guilt (no affair, just initiated the break up) and sadness, and fear. He has been very strong and helping the move along, but now seems totally adrift and wants everything to go back to "Normal". I just can't, but I'm so scared I'll regret my decision, even though I know I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. He's a good kind man, and we have two gorgeous kids, it would be so much easier if I could just want to be with him.

fukkingup: guilt is such a wasted emotion, but it's so very hard to conquer. i still do feel guilty, and sometimes my ex knows the exact buttons to push to make me feel bad. but your post makes very clear you can't be with him. you can't make yourself feel feelings you don't have!
Scarey123: sounds like you have worked out a place which works for you! i think we're forced into boxes a lot, and actually every communication we have with another human is a form of a relationship so it's so artificial the way society wants us to strictly have these definitions of "in" or "out", and very marked ways of being. and relationships don't end, they just change. i'm still in a form of a relationship with my ex -it will never be sexual again but we still have to make decisions together as parents for example, i will always care about him and want well for him, we still text each other every day about our child or our lives, and i hope one day we will be close friends.
x