Separation tips please!

[goodenuffmum]

this is a follow on post.
'd'h told me at end of October that he was leaving cos he doesn't love me blah, blah, blah.

I told the kids and they said they wanted him here till after Christmas.

I was devastated and the brilliant posters on here helped me loads.

6weeks have passed and now I am at the stage of wanting him to leave so I can start to get over the marriage.

So.

What helped get you through the roller coaster of emotions post break up? What saved your sanity?

I have to stay strong for my gorgeous boys and would love some ideas on how to do that.

If you've read this far, thanks!

What saved my sanity was a combination of good friends and 'throwing myself into my work' i.e. staying busy. Didn't have any children at the time but I expect they'd be a good way to stay focused. BTW don't feel you have to stay too strong. Children are quite OK about it if you tell them you're sad.

Friends and alcohol!

But seriously, once ex had his own place and we had come to an arrangment with access, I had proper time off in order to regroup and gather my strength. That sometimes involves going for a hike, meeting friends for coffee, going out and getting drunk, doing some exercise. What ever suits my mood. I am trying to be very gentle with myself.
I also kept a diary for a while which I found helped. Somewhere that I could be brutaly honest about my feelings.
Good luck for the future. It will all work out for the best. You will be happ again. Trust in that.

I wish I could add something sensible. I don't want to be negative, I am six weeks into living in my own house, two children and it's hard and I would say prepare yourself for feeling a bit lost, not knowing how you will feel about it all from one day to the next.

Some days it is lonely, some days it is liberating.

Don't expect too much from your friends, some of mine have disappointed me. Others have been much more supportive than I would have expected.

It's all very confusing and unpredictable. I hope someone further down the road will come along and say it gets easier after a while, and I am sure it will.

Good luck x

A diary helped me. I also started a new exercise class and redecorated our home. It hasnt been easy but the rollercoaster of emotions is the process we have to go through to come out the other side and I promise you, you will, it does get easier :)

Thank you everyone.
So...
A diary
Focus on work
Get a project like redecorating
Exercise
Friends

Thanks!

I know what you mean tiredofwaiting about friends. The 1 friend I thought would be holding my hand is nowhere to be seen. I'm just glad I found out before he left and was maybe, like, depending on her.

I almost feel sorry for him. He is walking out on 2 brilliant kids for what? a crummy flat? Well, it's his loss

Hope I'm so upbeat when he goes

In no particular order:

Counselling.
Minimising contact.
Friends.
Talking about i,t which was hard a first. eg burst into tears when went into school to inform them of change in circumstances.
Receiving support from surprising sources because of the talking.(eg a young man I know through his work.)
The love of my dcs.
Exercise.
A sympathetic GP (which took me a while to find but I persevered.)
Being kind to myself, eg. massages, buying a bunch of flowers.
A book called Rebuilding which you can find on Amazon.

Good luck. I wont deny it isnt hard, but it will be worth it.

Some of these things are helping me through my break up, even 9 months on:

*Get a hair cut/massage/manicure - something just for you because you can.

• Play Alanis Morisette and sing very loudly - including the swear words or Reel Big Fish's 'You Don't Know' You have to listen to the words even if you don't like ska music (maybe not when the kids/neighbours are around).
• Paint your bedroom first because it's your bedroom and you can do what the fuck you like with it.
• Change the bed covers, get new pillows, duvet, covers because then you can sleep happy.
• Drink lots of wine (like I have just done at my best friends house)
• Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are - because you're amazing.
• Check out 'A new mode's website. It's american but realy helped me to see relationships between men and women differently and made me realise how narcissistic my stbxh is and how dependent I had become.

We separated 2 months ago, DH moved out a month ago. No regrets so far (it was my decision), DCs are adjusting well and apart from the odd lonely eve, i feel ok.

You've had lots of good suggestions already and I'm agreeing with all of them! For me, the most important things have been:

• taking one day at a time - don't look any further forward than you have to
• counselling - official with a therapist, unofficially with one or two trusted friends who are willing to let you talk and talk. Possibly with wine
• not taking on responsibility for how your DH is coping or not - mine is not coping very well and would gladly let me do everything for him like I used to, so I've had to take a big step away at times and tell him calmly and kindly that he has to find his own way through this. I do struggle with guilt but know that I have to do this early on otherwise everyone's emotions will be all over the place for even longer than necessary. I find I can rationalise it by thinking about what is best for the kids in the long run.
• taking control of your finances (if you haven't already) - I found this so liberating, even if the figures are a bit scary at first, it has become a challenge to keep within a tighter budget and the DCs are learning the value of money now too
• ploughing excess nervous energy into positive things - quality active time with the DCs, housework, exercise, etc
• carving out time for me - my manicurist has been one of my loveliest supports! She says all the right things whilst making my nails look pretty :). My counsellor has also suggested mindfulness or meditation but I haven't found my way to either as yet.
• loud music works for me too - and dancing around my kitchen

Good luck - it is no doubt a long and unbeaten path, but the hardest part for me so far has been calling it a day in the first place x

Im only 5 weeks in but agree with it all.
Friends are a must with or without wine ;) Ive got 1 who wraps me in cotton wool when I need it and 1 who tells it to me straight!
Ive sorted my finances out and planned Christmas how WE want it.
I've got a bloke in next weekend to do the painting I've asked to be done over and over again.
Keep telling yourself you will be fine, its going to be ok. occassionally I lapse into O no my husband left me for OW and Im here on my own with 2 kids........but it passes ;) PMA rubs off on the kids too

Thanks guys

I'm gonna use these tips like a bible in the next few months.

The few people that I have told are saying that the light is coming back into my eyes (I must've looked like shite these last weeks! )

Now and again I get these panicky feelings and think "How the hell am I gonna do this?" so taking it a day at a time is a great suggestion.

I'm gonna get colour charts tomorrow ( he sleeps on the sofa when he's not working so it already is my bedroom!)

Some of the suggestions I've already thought of and the rest I'm gonna do.

PMA.

Thats the way to go.

Deep breath!