Relationship at work, can this ever end well?

[prozacbear]

I've namechanged for this, used to be a regular but have come out of retirement as in a bit of dire straights at the mo and wondered if anyone might have experience or advice? Ta. I'm going to try and lay it all out dispassionately so as not to drip feed.

DP and I have been together nine months. We met at work where he is the MD. So, he doesn't directly manage me but given the small size of the company, we have daily contact on cross-team projects. I am mid-twenties and am fairly senior on a team, but still very junior compared to DP. So, there's is also a large age gap as you can

Outside work, a pretty normal relationship. We made the choice to tell our ex-P's early on, all fine there. Our DC's met a couple of months ago, all fine there. We've met each other's friends, who have been amazingly supportive and welcoming on both sides. After many doubts at the beginning, I really believe that despite the age gap we have a future - DP is a genuinely wonderful man, I have no worries about him at all.

The problem: telling work. Already in motion - DP has always said that 'when the time came' he would resign. He felt it was his responsibility, as the senior partner, but I disagree. He loves his job very much, but there were too many rumours and two weeks ago, he handed in his resignation. The company refused it, asked him why, and after consulting with me he came clean to them. Company have actually been surprisingly supportive! No wish to get rid of either of us, glad that he had made them aware - I may have to move to a slightly different team which is less under his remit (happy to do this) but the problem is work colleagues, not senior colleagues but those at my level and below.

Already people are upset by this - I understand why, of course. DP has never, ever pushed anything through for me i.e. promotions pay rises etc, that I know. But I know people do/will suspect this. My line manager actually suggested I leave him to mitigate the rumours! This won't happen. I'm just not sure what to do, how to communicate this to colleagues who I have previously had a good relationship with, or whether it's better to simply leave. However I feel to leave would be an admission of something that is definitely not the case.

Mostly, I just want DP to keep his job, and to hopefully make sure people don't think I've somehow slept my way to any sort of success - people are blaming DP at work and I loathe that, he's not an opportunist or anything of the sort.

Thoughts???

Sorry, should've been "a large age gap as you can imagine".

Do you work in an area where relationships are forbidden? Neither of you were still married, were you? Most people meet their partners at work - why shouldn't you?

Personally I would find it easier to leave, having said that. I don't understand why he thinks he should leave - or either of you - but you say he's not an opportunist - I don't understand what you mean, there.

See how it goes, but definitely accept a move to a different section and let the disgruntled crap subside. It'll likely be a fifteen minute wonder.

At the same time, however, look for another job yourself. (Your line manager doesn't sound that supportive if they're advising you end the relationship, tbh). Your bloke could look as well. Who knows, you might find something better.

I think it's silly to cling onto a job because you think it's admitting to wrong-doing to leave, if it gets really uncomfortable - better to leave with head held high. No point being stubborn for its own sake.

But chances are, if you ride it out, work colleagues will accept it in the end. As long as he's no longer your manager.

Imperial - no, relationships aren't technically forbidden, and neither of us were still in relationships, no. However, it's the fact that he's the MD that's the problem - he oversees the entire company not just my team, so there will always be an issue of seniority. Less so if I move teams, but ever-present.

By 'opportunist' I mean that some people, on hearing the rumours, have cast me in the role of some sort of victim and pretty much said that he's brainwashed me or something - the age gap, I suppose. I just hate the idea of him being thought of that way.

Dequois - you're right, my manager is less than supportive. I think he'll be ok, he's just in shock and feels I should have told him. I honestly feel I should leave rather than him (and am already looking for other jobs) - DP helped build this company; no reason he should leave now, because of this.

How big is the age gap? You've mentioned it twice but not said how many years. I mean, why is it so shocking? People do meet at work and men are often more senior than women. What's going on?

It sounds like it has to be you that leaves then, if he's that high up. I didn't realise that bit properly - no, I don't think riding it out will work in that case. You'll always have the favouritism thing and any progression won't be seen as on your own merits. Plus if the relationship falls apart, it could get very sticky for you.

I met my DH at work 10 years ago We now work for a different company where he is MD and I am BDD. People are sometimes a bit surprised when they first find out and I'm sure have made assumptions initially.

However if you know me at all it is soon clear that I am where I am entirely on merit. Nobody who has had more than a passing acquaintance with us judges us and I'm sure you will find the same

He is the Managing Director, which usually means he is THE boss other than the board of directors. I can imagine that does make other employees feel a bit awkward around you, just in case you are going to go home and pass on any gossip or comments that you hear which they feel could be detrimental to their own jobs.

Nobody should have to leave, but there will always be a certain degree of people who may feel a bit uncomfortable with you on a personal level now.

If I were in your situation I think I would prefer to leave and find another job without the conflict of interests that your current one is going to have.

Why should either of you leave? Plenty of senior men in relationships with colleagues - and if he were self-employed it would be almost obligatory for him to employ his partner and no one would think twice!

I used to work for a company where the boss's wife was on the staff: it was said it was the only way she got to see him! But no one had an issue with it at all.

I think if you continue working hard and maintaining a professional relationship. People will see, eventually, that you got where you have because you work hard.

I am really shocked tbh. You and him seem to be making a big deal out of this. I can't believe he was going to resign as me of a company he helped build, without discussing the situation. The normal thing to do would have been to speak to the owners, when you were ready.
there was no need not to. You were both single, relationship at work not banned, both consenting adults.

Seems such a non issue I don't get why people are making it one.

NKF, age gap is 18 years. So it is pretty damn big.

And yes, as supportive as the company (by which I mean senior members) has been, I don't want to carry on what has been a promising career under a cloud. And I don't want DP to have to deal with any longer-term fallout, as he doesn't deserve that.

pushme- thanks for telling your story! That's reassuring :) And yes, you're right, people that know us haven't judged us and I've been unfair in generalising, many people have been happy for us and there's been a fair bit of kindness. I will try to hold on to that, and worry a little less in the very short term.

X-post with everyone! If you're uncomfortable working together then yes, one of you should leave. As he's a director then it could be quite difficult for him to leave so it mighT be easiest for you to find another job. I think I would be tempted to hang on and see if you still feel you need to leave after the dust has settled though

Bilbo - lol! I read that a huge percentage of dentists were in relationships with their hygeinists, almost obligatory. Now why oh why did DP not think to get into dentistry...

Brady- actually, you have a point. I tried my best to discourage DP from resigning (and thank god they didn't accept it) - I think he went into 'fall on my sword' mode. It all got a bit fraught because nasty rumours suddenly started flying around, and I think we're both panicking a bit - not how we wanted it to come out to the general populous. But thank you, for putting it in perspective, I'll try to hold on to that.

op 18 years isn't that big. Maybe that's why you thinks its a bit of a scandle.

Thinking about it fh is the md of the company work for and own 50% of. No of the staff care and he is 12 years older than me.

Your situation isn't that unusual.

Thanks again Brady - I've just never come across this situation before, or indeed met anyone who is in a relationship with an age gap, so easy to imagine we're doing something scandalous when we're not. Having people treat it as a scandle isn't helping, but will get past that, hopefully.

But why do they see you as a victim and him as an opportunist? That's quite negative. Why are they taking that view. I can see that 18 years is quite a big age gap and you are quite young but even so. I also think that a big fuss is being made unless there is something about the company that makes it unsuitable for relationships to take place. Are you very new to the company and have had rapid promotion? Have you been in on conversations/discussoin that wouldn't have taken place if people hadn't known you were together? It all sounds a bit off to me somehow.

Some people treat everything ae a 'oh my god' moment.

some people like the drama.

Don't worry. Keep your eye out for other jobs, just in case. You may feel you want a job away from the relationship yourself.

But as long as you are both acting how you should then, people will get bored and move on to the next piece of gossip.

But the dramatics here are coming from the OP and her boyfriend. "When the time came," "Fall on sword" etc.

Excellent point nfk and that was the point of my first post.
Toddler insisted on having some attention, I forgot that.

NKF - think you're right in that the 'dramatics' are coming from us. We feel guilty because this situation isn't ideal for the company. He's the MD, I bring money in, so it has created an issue for the business and I certainly feel guilty for making things difficult. But, the level of difficulty isn't as big as the level of guilt we've (particularly DP who thinks of himself - and is - honest, moral etc and feels he hasn't acted that way towards the company) Anyway,not as big an issue as we thought, clearly, and Brady puts that very well!

In answer to your other question, NKF, not sure re the victim thing. That attitude comes from people that haven't worked with he or I directly, and I assume it's borne out of ignorance. My direct manager has never liked him, so I think is just acting out.

Thank you for everyone's help - it's been really useful to get things into perspective. We aren't the only ones, we aren't doing something completely scandalous, and it's manageable. I'm going to keep my eyes open for other (good) jobs and see how this pans out. Thanks again!

I think you're totally overreacting, I have worked for lots of organisations where there are partners and spouses and ones where the MDs wife or even son works in the organisation.
In one instance i know a couple who met when he was her line manager but they were always very professional. There's nothing wrong with it if you can show that he is not showing any favouritism.

I have heard rumours of industrys where this would be an issue but I personally have never worked anywhere it would be a big problem.

I think you and he have got it into your heads that your doing something bad and wrong and so you are reacting that way when people whisper (which they will, at first, before the next more interesting bit of gossip comes along).

Even if you are both acting professionally, it puts a strain on working relationships with others.

Most people like to have a moan about the boss, and knowing that your boss's partner is working with you is likely to make others feel slightly uncomfortable just incase they speak out of turn.