How would you read this behaviour? An unplanned pregnancy thread...

[NotChristmasCarol]

I've posted in brief about my situation before but would value some insights into how to read the behaviour of the father of my soon-to-be-born child.

The basics are (and sorry this is long, but I just want to put the facts out there):

He's someone I've known for ages. We got together slightly randomly on a casual basis in January this year, at his behest. I had slight misgivings because, while I liked him, I knew that it was never going to progress to much between us. To me, it just never felt particularly right between us, although we could have some fun together. And, having been very burned in the past, I was really concerned about the fact that, while he had been separated from his wife for four years, they had consciously not divorced. According to him, this was because (having left her; 20 year marriage, married young, drifted apart, all kids grown up now) he didn't want to "put her through the pain" of a divorce. I never fully bought that line of logic.

So in April we took a calculated one off risk on the contraception, thinking that at our ages (me late 30s, him early 50s) the odds against pregnancy were massive. You will have gleaned that we were wrong....

When I realised I was pregnant, I told him. His very first words were "oh my God, what am I going to tell my wife??!". So my instincts were right on that one. I was mightily pissed off at that reaction and we didn't speak for a week or two.

He then turned up again, apologising for his initial reaction, and saying that he wanted to commit to me, that we were in a "joint venture together", "a child needs two parents", he'd propose to me if I wanted him to etc etc. This huge about face didn't feel at all "real" to me, based on the nature of our relationship to date. So I told him that we needed to just calm things down a bit, keep talking, let me bounce back physically (I was really sick from morning sickness) and just take things a little more slowly while we both processed the unexpected development.

I then heard nothing from him for 6 weeks. So I texted him suggesting we catch up. We agreed, and we had lunch. Despite the fact that I was by this stage about 20 weeks gone (and visibly pregnant, this is DC2) he studiously avoided the topic and we talked mostly about his work.

I then heard nothing at all from him for another 6 weeks. So I texted him to say hello, received no reply. Two weeks later he texted me, saying he'd been terribly busy at work, so sorry, can I come around to his house and he'll cook me dinner one night midweek? At this stage I'm 28 weeks pregnant, working full time, knackered (and with DD1 aged four at home) so the idea of trekking across town after a long day at work for a mid-week dinner was not appealing. I responded in a friendly and positive way but suggested we aim for a lunch instead- perhaps on a weekend. No response.

Another 2 weeks passes, I hear nothing and then get an out of the blue text celebrating a recent rugby victory by our mutual homeland (I'm not a rugby fan), asking me if I'd been at the game (err, no), apologising that work had been too busy to allow him to get in touch with me and saying "oh, we must catch up". I was pretty pissed off, so sent a blunt text saying I'd felt like catching up when I'd made contact a fortnight ago but, having heard nothing, really didn't feel like it at this point. I then got a long self-pitying text about how much he'd been travelling for work, and saying that he'd love to have the chance to make up for his "sloppiness and tardiness in relation to communication. Ps. Hope DD1 is well and that the baby is ok."

I just couldn't bring myself to answer this last text, so have just left it out there.

I'm now 35 weeks and a bit, expecting a delivery in early Jan, and I'm really not sure what to do about him. I'm absolutely fine with going through this by myself. I've got lots of RL support and I'm financially independent (I've got a good job) so can afford to raise this child alone. But the reason for the thread is to try and work out (through the pregnancy fug of hormones and fatigue) what this man is thinking. Is he just totally not interested in dealing with this situation? In which case do I just plough on with focusing on a safe and healthy finish to this pregnancy, plus preparing DD1 to deal with a new arrival, and at some point, when the birth is behind me, work out what to do in DC2's best interests? By best interests, I mean the fact that she (and she is a she) deserves to have a father in her life and I need to work out how to best to produce that result.

Or am I missing something here?

I should add that this man is beyond work obsessed (and I know what it's like to have a demanding job and work long hours). He has a senior position at a major company and is up at 4am every morning to work, when he's not travelling- which is essentially every week. He is diabetic but totally neglects his health in order to prioritise work. I strongly suspect this way of living was a major factor in the slow drift apart of his marriage and I suppose it's hardly a surprise that he's not really focused on another child or on me. I don't expect anything for myself, but I don't want this child to be damaged- especially as DD1's father (to whom I was married) sees her regularly.

If you made it this far, thank you!

Yes, he's not interested, and I would make your plans without calculating him into them.

Well, what a bloody nightmare!

I would think firstly that he sounds as if he has the money to support you and the baby financially. Apart from that I really don't know what he wants. Maybe once he sees the baby he will be more supportive. As he is a father already, he knows what is in store.

You sound quite strong and mature whereas he sounds rather childish and shallow, for a man of his age. They do say a fool at forty is a fool indeed, and it sounds like this is him. He has no idea what's important and what matters. If you are emotionally and financially independent, there is no benefit to hunting him down. However I would maintain amicable but distant relations so that the child knows its father and you have some financial input from him.

I think you sound great op - strong, focussed and positive.
I think he's got his head in the sand about it all - and I'd be curious as to his current relationship with his wife tbh.
As for dd, it's not up to you that she has a father, it's up to him. My dd didn't see her dad for the first year or so and now sees him regularly, but not all that often - she's emerged unscathed!

" Is he just totally not interested in dealing with this situation? "

He is dealing with it in his own way which seems to be to keep the whole thing at arms length, avoiding the reality and rationalising it almost that you're just someone he knows who happens to be having a baby. 'Joint venture' makes it sound like a commercial enterprise - rather telling that he's in management! 'We must catch up' is something you say to an acquaintance that you may or may not have any intention of meeting isn't it? 'Distance' is the overriding impression.

Glad you're not expecting anything from him because I think you'll be doing the majority of this alone. Even though you're financially independent, insist on a contribution to your baby's upbringing on principle... even if it goes into a college fund for them. On the plus side, there's no reason why your baby should be at all damaged. He may end up cast in the role of 'fond uncle' rather than a traditional father but what your baby has never had, they won't miss. My DS has had no traditional 'Dad' since birth and he seems quite OK with the set-up.

Good luck

I think you need to ask him, rather than texting every few weeks and having lunches without mentioning the baby! 'How much contact do you hope for, how much maintenance will you pay, how do you see this working' etc.

Thanks all- they're helpful views so far. Just on a few points: he definitely has the means to support a baby, but I've got mixed views about what to do on that. Some part of me thinks he should have to take financial responsibility, if nothing else, and I can put it in an account for DD2 for when she is older. The other part of me just doesn't want to ask- and I know I'm lucky to be in the position to not have to. If I wasn't, I'd have a very different outlook.

And I think the idea of "amicable but distant relations" probably hits the nail on the head bang on.

I think he does fall into the "fool at forty" category. He's had many opportunities and wake up calls to reassess the way he lives and, as far as I can see, has ignored all of them. The current situation being the latest. But I'm open to considering that things might change when, all going well, the baby is here safely and it's more tangible to him.

It's a shame, but he doesn't sound very interested to me.

However there is no reason why he shouldn't contribute financially, it's great that you don't need his help, but your child is entitled to it, I'm not sure why you wouldn't make a CSA claim?

Definitely get that financial help. I was in exactly the same situation... personal pride more important than £££s etc. .. and a friend pointed out that when DS gets older, even if he hasn't had that cosy relationship with his father, I can at least point to the college fund and tell him that he was a decent enough man to make some contribution. We didn't get the CSA involved.

He does sound very poor managementy - the "we must catch up" is something my line manager says to me, and guess what - he never ever does...

Do ask for financial support. You may well be perfectly able to raise your child alone now, but if things go a bit pear-shaped for whatever reason, you may need assistance in the future. Better to have an arrangement in place now than to find you need to get one years down the line when he's used to doing sod-all for you both. If you never need the money, it will be a good headstart for your child as a deposit or college fund or first car, whatever.

Carol- you seem well-positioned to do this alone. I can imagine that the father may need you to set the scene regarding contact, otherwise he's likely to drift in and out of the baby's life, playing happy families one weekend then not contactable for days or weeks. The less you all expect from him the better, I expect.

Given this, perhaps it'd be best if you can decide what you want for yourself then present it to him.

As an aside, I'm also a single parent and can afford to bring up my baby with no contribution from his father. He does however give money, although I don't want it, but it's going into a savings fund for our child. I'm now happy with this because (1) it is the child's money so in a way not up to me to refuse it (2) circumstances can change (3) I don't believe the money is used as a method of control .

I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and a quick recovery from childbirth. I hope th can arrange some practical support for the newborn days. Online shopping , cleaners etc may be useful.

His attitude to the pregnancy sounds like "out of sight, out of mind ". It's quite possible he doesn't know how he feels about it himself. Is he the type to ignore messy emotions and concentrate on "what he's good at" I.e. work? If so, perhaps treating it in a way he is familiar with will get you what you need, almost like you're discussing a project, contact or other business issue.

This is really good advice, and support. Thank you. I think it is right that, given how he is, it will be for me to "make a proposal" to him- almost like it is business. On both the financial contribution and the contact. But i think i'll give myself some time to think all of that through, once I'm through the birth and the full on first few weeks/months. At times I've felt pressure, from myself, to resolve this all before she is born. But i know that's not realisti- or even necessary. It's really helpful to share this. I appreciate the input.

I think you might be better getting some sort set of expectations laid out to him before the birth, as the first few months is hell and your head may be all over the place.

If you want him to stay away until you're ready, you need to tell him that, if you want him to come & see the baby, you need to tell him that too. To a certain extent, you probably won't know exactly what you want & need until it happens, of course. You don't have to get all the i's dotted, but some sort of framework might be helpful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I bet your little girl is delighted to be having a baby sister.

Given how the father is, I think it would really help him bond with your new baby if he's there at the birth. If he doesn't bond with her, there's no real point to him having any contact at all.

Given he has the money but isn't likely to give a lot of support, it might be a good idea for him to pay for a cleaner for the first several months, in lieu of being any use himself.

Do you think his wife actually knows about the baby? Does he still live with her? Are you sure, if you think he doesn't? The random meetings suggest he's living with someone.

I'm surprised you haven't forced the issues a bit earlier, tbh. When you were at lunch (at 20 weeks) didn't you say anything? I know he didn't - he sounds like he's got a head in the sand approach - but didn't you say, "What are we going to do?"

Regarding childbirth- do you have a birth partner? A doula could be good. If the father hasn't asked to attend the birth I wouldn't suggest it. He sounds like the type to want to be seen to be doing the right thing, so even if you just offer that he is welcome should he wish to be there, he may take it as a veiled sign that you expect him there. My ex is like that anyway. He avoids conversations and expects others to do the same, so can't quite believe that I say what I mean and am not hinting at something else.

Given the timescales, I think that you should concentrate on whatever helps your family. Anything else can be outsourced or left to wait for a while. It's good that the father isn'.t being overbearing at the moment. I understand what you're saying about wanting this sorted before the birth, everything clean and tidy. Hopefully his distance gives you an opportunity to do what's best for your family. Tempting though it is to second-guess his actions and (lack of) responses of course!