Please help. Need advice in ex's visits with children

[Nomorepain]

Hello

I'm after a bit if advice. Exh left us after cheating when I was pregnant. I thought we had a loving marriage. affair was a complete shock to me. He walked out on me and ds when dd was 5 weeks old. He had shown himself to be a mean character that I don't recognise at all. We were together for 16 years.

Since leaving his visits with children have been erratic. Always turns up late and sometimes not at all. My little boy is hurt at his dad not turning up and I am running out f ways to manage the situation. Yest he text 15 mins after he was due to tell me he had to go into work. He works over 3 hours away so he would have known from early in that he wouldn't be visiting. My little boy had been waiting in the window all morning for his daddy. So sad. I called up ex and said it wasn't fair and ds was upset his response was that I had annoyed him and he wouldn't be coming at all.

Tbh even when he does see the children he doesn't actually do anything nice with them. Never plays with them or thinks about things they would like to do. Last visit involved him taking them to b and q, costa coffee, local town centre and then McDonald's. they are 3 and 9 months!! he is constantly on his phone and ignores the children. In spite of this my little boy loves his dad and is desperate to see him.

I am so upset that he can do this to our children. I have no support with the children and have them on my own constantly. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I had plans for yesterday and today that I was looking forward to but have now had to cancel. He dictates to me when he sees the children and then still let's them down.

Please can someone help me. How do I change this horrible cycle? I am desperate

Your doing great by your children, so be proud of the fact they will always have you to lean on, that will mean alot when they are older.

Your ex is being a master controller, and your children are suffering because of it, take the control in hand, its no over reaction, its just a good mum worried about her children.

My ex sees our DD once every month, and it took nearly 2 years to pay up, i used to feel bad at the lack of visits, but now i dont, since im the one whos here all the time, so i have nothing to feel bad about now.

Dont let him make you feel like its your fault, its not, its his, and he should be bloody grateful that his DC's have such a good mother.

You are not being heavy handed and this isn't the life you are providing for your children

HE is the one doing this hunny.

Hope he brings the kids back soon.

Do u know how many days he works hun? I have a feeling whatever day or how many days you choose isn't going to be acceptable for him. I think he will oppose everything you say just to be difficult

Make sure your solicitor knows what he is like. Don't defend him in any way

Have you spoken to anyone for yourself? Any counciling or
Do you have any supportive family

He brought them back 10 mins late. Suppose that is an improvement.

Twinkle you are right - he just won't agree to anything and then make out that I am the one stopping him from seeing his kids.

I've just made friends with my mum after 5 years of no contact (ex and his family didn't want me to make amends with her after argument at our wedding, didn't realise I was being manipulated!) she is helping but a lot of ground work to do. My dad has got his own probs and stays away mostly but gets offended I tell him I feel let down by him. Got lots of friends but I don't like to put on people. I am so mic better than I was but need toget stronger to deal with these situations. He is just so horrible and cold to me. Honestly don't know what I have done to him to deserve this. How do I get tougher?? Xx

As long as you go to solicitors/courts and arrange a specified place and time, if he doesn't show up then its his problem. If he says your tryna stop him seeing the kids people will be fools to believe him, when you've already set the time and date

Definetly definetly definetly arrange it for some place other than home though and make sure he meets you. Not you take them to him.

I think if it was arranged for your home it would be more easy for him to mess you around and manipulate you.

You'll get stronger with time hun, you're already so strong already

:)

You can do this :D

The support of solicitor and family should help you get stronger too.
Tough on the outside doesn't equate to tough on the inside though, remember. You are human and feel pain. It is better than the other option of being numb to everything or unaware of pain in others. You are doing fine, it is all part of the process sadly. Anger next with luck!

"How do I get tougher??"

Agree with the above.... hire a solicitor to be tough for you. :) The only communication you need after that is to say 'talk to my solicitor'.

I'm contacting gingerbread ad my solicitor this morning. Does anyone know what the implications are of not sticking to visitation order?

I feel calm today and feeling unsure if I should get all legal about things. Why can't we just sort it out ourselves - I know he doesn't respect anything I say but just wish he would put children first.

I've tried googling stuff this morning but it is all from perspective f father wanting to see kids not mother trying to ensure Holsteins feelings are not hurt by getting father to stick to arrangements!!

Howd it go hun? :)

Gingerbread were quite good but told me what I already know. Dd help me to start to believe (albeit temporarily till my self doubt kicks in) that he is a controlling manipulative game player. They sai that his behaviour wint change and instead i have to chane the way i let it affect me. somuch easier said than done. I have booked dr appointment for tomorrow in hope of getting counselling.

Solicitor hasn't called back yet. Will try again in a bit. Little boy is poorly today so he priority!! Xx

Why can't we just sort it out ourselves That's what you've been trying to do but you've been on a hiding to nothing because your ex sees no reason why he shouldn't do what he wants when he wants, even to the detriment of his dc.

Please don't put the horse before the cart; you are a long way off possible Court proceedings for contact/visitation Orders and it's to be hoped that having the backing of a solicitor in taking a firm line with your ex will bring about resolution without need for further legal proceedings.

It should be noted that, other than missing out on contact with their dc, there are no implications or penalties for non-resident parents who fail to comply with visitation Orders, but parents who don't make their dc available for contact at duly proscribed times may incur legal sanction.

Unfortunately sorting it out yourselves only works if you both have the same goal - to keep the kids stable and happy. You want this, but he doesn't see that this is what it is about. My ex used this line on me before continuously moving the goal posts and now we are off to a tribunal because he thinks paying CSA is 'funding [my] lifestyle' - not thinking of his child at all. If you think about it logically, men aren't really designed to care about the future much - women plan ahead because we can be left with kids, but a lot of men pretty much get their old lives back after a split. It doesn't affect him so it won't be a priority. You have to keep remembering this for your DC's. He will never see things the way you do and therefore legally is the only way to ensure a just result.

I think you're great to give him the opportunity, he doesn't know he's born. My dd will be 3 at Easter and I have only been allowed six months contact since May 11. I live three hours away but do at least call her every week. The decree nisi will be done in three days so hopefully access will be official and legal.

You're poor boy must be so upset, I know my dd is.

just had a look at NFM website. it is brilliant. i am thinking of emailing exh with a link in the hope that he may read it and see the mistakes that he/ we are making regarding contact. Do you think this would be a stupid idea?

Oh l don't think l would do that.
From what you say he doesn't like being told what to do and he might just do the opposite just to manipulate and control you bit more.
You need to go down the legal route he wont listen or agree to anything you suggest