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Relationships

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Original poster

Total mess :-(

17 replies

AnnieGetchaGun · 09/12/2012 09:34

I was married for 12 years. The last year of our marriage was rough. ExDH was/is a good man, but the love had just died. I was deeply unhappy and eventually plucked up the courage to end it 6 months ago. We are sharing custody of our two children. A divorce is happening as we speak. It is as amicable as it can be. No major drama, just sadness.

I promised myself I would not jump head first into another relationship, but I have been so starved, for so many years, of that level of love and sex and intimacy. About three months ago I reconnected with an ex - the only other guy I have ever had a serious relationship with, actually (we dated for four years prior to me meeting ExDH, and split because I was very young and wanted to travel). I know this looks terrible on paper - jumping into the arms of a lng ago ex. But It has been wonderful. We see each other once a week, for a date. My kids and family have no idea.We have been taking it slowly. He says he is in love with me, but understands that it would be foolish to rush things until my divorce is finalised. He is divorced with two children, too, btw.

I found out yesterday I am pregnant. We have only slept together a few times and always been very careful. I am absolutely devestated. I have no idea how to cope with this. I feel like a total whore, to be honest. I am not even divorced yet and am pregnant with another man's child. It is all such a mess.

I suppose I just wanted to get this out. I have no idea what yo do, and am too ashamed to tell a soul.

OP posts:

Lueji · 09/12/2012 09:45

Can you leave it until the divorce is final?

You are in the process of divorce, so it's not like you are cheating.

If anyone is nasty to you about this, then you know who your real friends are. Cut the bad apples.

Maybe you should start introducing the idea that you are moving on emotionally and move on from there.

Is he ok about the baby?

purplewithred · 09/12/2012 09:47

Didn't want to read and run.

Your marriage was over and you were free to date. Both of you. It's fine. IMO it's perfectly understandable to move on to a new relationship quickly if the old one was (from your point of view) dead for ages.

Finding youself pregnant is obviously a shock and you are going to need to think hard about what you want to do; you are also going to have to find someone in RL to talk to about this. Personally I think some kind of independent counsellor, although with luck you have a close friend who you can trust to just listen and be impartial.

AndrewD · 09/12/2012 09:48

Just wanted to say congratulations - no matter the circumstances, you're going to have a baby. Try to cut through all the negative stuff and let the baby be the positive that you and everyone (eventually) focuses on. I realise I am being a bit idealist, utopian and perhaps naive, but both sets of existing kids are getting a new sibling and that should be a great thing.

Best wishes

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 09/12/2012 09:52

Sorry, but, what about contraception?
Do you want this new baby?

Thisisaeuphemism · 09/12/2012 09:53

Andrew, its early days yet, the op hasn't decided what she is going to do.

OP, you haven't done anything wrong, and you've been finding happiness with this man who, like you, is single to date.

It must be a real shock for you right now, but please don't feel any shame or try to second guess other people's reactions. You need to decide what is best for you right now. xx

Thisisaeuphemism · 09/12/2012 09:54

Gold, she did say 'they were very careful' - I assume it was a contraception fail.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 09/12/2012 09:56

Please don't liken yourself to a whore.... that's just beating yourself up for no good reason. So you've probably gone into things a little bit the wrong way around but that's nothing to be ashamed of. I know someone who met a man, got pregnant within a few weeks, was in bits (like you) wondering what the hell they had done, and they are all very happy together many years later. Have you told your boyfriend about the baby? What's his reaction? Talk to your family, get some RL support and really do stop calling yourself names.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 09/12/2012 09:57

"they were very careful" could equally mean a more natural family planning method which the practice nurse was advocating to me just a week ago when I had my coil out, as an aside....

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 09/12/2012 09:58

oh, and dont call yourself such derogatory names, you are single, and in love, so please dont feel that!

Lifeissweet · 09/12/2012 10:01

She said she was careful, Gold. Contraception can fail, you know. My DD is evidence of that.

Ok. I have some experience of this. I was still married when I had DD with another man. We had been separated for 3 years, but it still wasn't ideal.

I was panicked about how it would look, the reactions of the family and how it wasn't 'me' to be in this situation, but that was all a lot of fuss about nothing in the end. People took their cue from me. I was happy about it, so so were they.

The practicalities were more important, but we figured that out and it all works now. DP and I both have DS's too, so there are 5 of us with 4 surnames between us. To be honest, no one had blinked an eyelid about it.

The most important this is, if you strip away the appearances and the shock, how do you actually feel about having a baby and how does the father? That is all that matters.

Original poster

AnnieGetchaGun · 09/12/2012 10:24

Thanks for all your replies. We have used condoms, carefully. No splits or anything like that, so this is a shock. I am mid thirties, he is mid forties - neither of us has ever had a 'contraception failure' before.

I told him this morning. He is shocked but calm and supportive. He says he would love us to go through with the pregnancy, and that he will support me 100%, but that ultimately it is my decision and he will stand by me. I am still feeling very confused.

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 09/12/2012 10:45

He sounds like a decent man just from his reaction. Hope you find a way through the confusion.

tethersjinglebellend · 09/12/2012 10:57

Agree, he sounds decent- how do you feel?

CailinDana · 09/12/2012 11:02

Stop the silly "whore" stuff. That's a horrible way to talk about any woman, especially yourself. Why do you feel under pressure to justify your perfectly normal need for intimacy? Even if you had got pregnant from a totally random one night stand you would still not be a "whore" - wanting to be with someone isn't a crime! Apart from that you actually have feelings for this man and he seems like a really decent sort. It's very hard dealing with an unexpected pregnancy and I feel for you on that score, but all this self-flagellation rubbish is really not helping. You're in the process of divorce, you got together with someone lovely, contraception went wrong, simple as that. Bad luck, nothing more.

What you need to focus on is what to do about the pregnancy. Give it some time, you don't need to make a decision right away. What's your gut feeling on it?

glitch · 09/12/2012 11:07

Are you confused about having a baby with him or just the reactions from everyone else?

Don't be ashamed. You knew him already, he sounds like a decent guy, and things happen in life. It doesn't make you a bad person.

MrsFlibble · 09/12/2012 11:12

Annie, you are NOT a whore, your a free agent, you seem to genuinely like this man, and he wants to support you and a have the baby, so whats the issue?.

Dont beat yourself up over reactions you think might happen, i bet your stbexh has moved on, you why cant you, your marriage ended, and you found something new, so just enjoy it, if people react badly, then they dont get to be in your life.

AuntieFlaubert · 09/12/2012 18:11

OP
You are lucky to have found this man again so soon after ending an unhappy marriage.
You already know him well and he said all the right things when you told him about the unplanned pregnancy.
You have nothing whatever to beat yourself up about!
I'm sure you will make the right decision about what to do now. Good luck!

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