DH and I bringing each other down

[CarefulUpThere]

DH and I were together for 10+ years before having kids and in that time I could count our arguments on one hand. Even after the "honeymoon period" ended we were always very contented together iyswim. We now have 2 dd's age 5 and 2 and seem to take the stress of parenting out on each other or one of us will be tired/ grumpy and this brings the other one down too. This has become a bit of a vicious cycle.

We both work part time and share childcare and housework and have some time for our own hobbies.

But I feel like time as a whole family should be happier. I would say DH is happy and relaxed maybe only 15% of the time, otherwise he is prone to snap at dd1, is a bit distant and grouchy in a kind of passive way e.g. Making comments about how no-one puts things away (meaning he is annoyed I've left X out). Possibly I'm similar.

Any wise thoughts? I don't know if we can talk about it without taking each other too personally and making things worse :-(

Children do place an enormous strain on relationships. My opinion is that people forget to me lovers and confidents and become parents. You take each other forgranted because your primary focus is the children.

That needs addressing. Do you have a regular babysitter you can use, is it possible to go out for a meal minus the children? Quality time together is what you need, just a few hours a week.

Thing is, not everyone is good at dealing with small DCs, it's seen as a massive failure, but they aren't. If he's snapping and hating his time with your DCs, could he go back to full time work and pay for childcare? Even if this means you don't make anything from his extra time at work, it might make him happier.

Some people really hate the being at home, being in charge of cleaning/tidying/childcare, others love it - but we all feel we should want to have a good 'home work balance'.

Thanks Holly and Don'tmind.

The babysitting and time out together is a good point. We tend to forget about that! Have asked for a "date" for Christmas and will try and do more often in new year. Now dd2 is better at bedtime this should be easier...

I suspect we are both better on our own with the kids, I think it is more when we are all together we can clash a bit, partly just because there is someone there to gripe at whereas when just one adult you have to get on with it, partly because it becomes slightly more complicated in terms of who is doing/deciding what. Interesting perspective though about work/life balance. I think we both feel we have this balance, it's just harder than we thought sometimes!