I can't believe I'm posting this, have NCed obviously.
Basically I have had a massive crush on someone else for about three years. Over the last year and a half it's deepened as we became friends - purely in a platonic sense, we were acquaintances before - but I've finally realised now that it is, and probably always was, a one-sided attraction.
I've entertained fantasies that it was mutual.
I didn't want an affair, but I couldn't wait to see this person and spend time with her. (I'm bisexual)
I felt emotionally engaged with her, and thought she felt the same.
I thought about her all the time.
She's so beautiful, and when I think about her and know I will never be more than a distant friend to her I ache inside.
We're both married, and happily so (I know people will argue that's impossible but my life is good and I do love my dh)
I just happen to like women too, and ache for that emotional side to be more fulfilled.
I'm not even sure I ever wanted to sleep with her, I just wanted to kiss her and be closer to her.
I know it was a stupid idea. I know nothing will - or can - happen.
I feel a bit of a fool, and I feel guilty for dh, who is a good man.
I feel relieved too that nothing ever did happen other than emotional attachment on my part.
I feel relieved that I never revealed my feelings, and hope she never guessed.
I don't know what I hope to achieve here, other than that it's a relief to write it down and share it somehow. It's a lonely process for me right now, having to pretend all is normal (and succeeding too) but aching inside for someone I will never have as more than a distant friend.
I do know also that there are far worse things happening too, and this is such a first world problem. Feel free to flame me - and kick me up the bum too!