Thank you, a celebratory thread

[Wereonourway]

I'm not a prolific poster, I lurk a lot though. I did post under a previous name a few times about my ex/relationship issues and really wanted to share this with you all.
I found mn by accident, I can't remember exactly when. I posted and got brilliant advice. Stupidly ignored it and stayed in relationship, repeated this a couple of times and then finally left in August.
I was with ex for 5 years. We have an amazing ds together who will very shortly be 2. He emotionally, verbally and financially abused me. Probably for the whole duration of our relationship but it got gradually worse(boiling frog??) after the birth of our ds. Ex was a lazy, self centred, irresponsible, irrational twat (I tried to think of a better word than twat but it about covers it).
He treated me quite horrifically at times, I'm embarrassed to think about what I lived with/put up with.
So on the 8th of August I left with ds and stayed with my dad( who has been the most awesome dad in the world). I cried, I wondered why I missed him, wondered why I cared what he was doing, cried so more at not being a 'family', at being a single mother with a child who was not yet 2 etc etc.
Fast forward four months and I'm at the point lots of you said I'd be at. Wondering what the bloody hell I was doing staying with him so long.
Ex still tries to bully me, manipulate me over access mainly but I can brush it off. I no longer take it to heart.
I've realised I'm a good mum, I try very hard to raise my son well and have found a fab new job and an even grabber new home in a great area. I'm doing it all alone. I'm coping financially, emotionally and practically.
I pity my ex, he has made choices which mean his relationship with ds is nothing more than superficial. He doesn't parent, he has no idea what being a parent is about. He has no money, he stays out til dawn every weekend. He now wonders why I don't miss him.
I would not be feeling any of the above with mn. Without the posters who gave me their kind words, shared their stories and gave me the strength to leave and believe I'd be better off for it.
Well ladies you were right, at this moment in time I'm happy, I'm at peace and am blown away every single day by how much I love ds and actually how proud I am of the job I'm doing.
My new username reflects that me and ds are on our way. It's me and ds against the world and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Mn rocks!!!

Lovely to hear your story - thank you for sharing. Wishing you and your ds a great Christmas and a fab future together

Aw, great story! x

Glad things are working out for you and well done having the courage to make the break. I'm really interested that you say it's taken you four months to get to the 'what the bloody hell was I doing' stage and that you've been able to successfully reject his attempts at bullying. I always think with emotional abusers it's especially important to get some distance between you because, the closer they are, the more effective the mind-tricks. Like breaking the hypnotist's trance, almost. Just a personal observation but interested to know if you feel that's how it's worked for you.

Glad things are so much better OP.

MN have helped me so much too. This year I have escaped my H and have found a new man who is not aggressive or sexually coercive. Thank fuck for MN.

Fantastic news- thank you for posting

Glad to hear youonyourway , and yes I wholeheartedly agree MN has been great for me also when I was in a relationship , and I was not seeing the red flags so to speak, MN really helped me think and evaluate what I was not getting out of it and his motives to being with me, which in the end turned out to be all negative , so I finally ditched him and life could not be better , so again a BIG

A BIG thankyou to all you supportive MNs keep on doing what your doing, and have a very Merry Christmas!xx

Thank you for posting this. What a great ending/ new beginning

cogito i agree. The physical distance has helped hugely. It took me until a couple of weeks ago to stop reacting to his mind games but i think that by sharing things with family and being open and honest has also contributed to how im feeling.
I no longer gloss over his behaviour or excuse it, i think like someone outside of the situation would.
I also involved a solicitor and had a 2 hour long chat with a fantastic lady from my local womens refuge. This has all strengthened my resolve and when he threatens to go for more access i know, im certain in fact that he wouldnt stand a chance and that was what he was using to get to me, knowing it would crush me.
Im so so glad ive turned a corner, i feel like a weight has been lifted, i feel normal again.
Eating breakfast with my boy knowing his dad is probably too drunk to get out of bed just makes me extra sure ive done the right thing

That's actually a really useful checklist for anyone in a similar situation.

• Physical distance
• Talking openly and getting real life validation and support (family, experts)
• Legal advice

Plus those indefinable qualities of courage, strength and self-respect. Brilliant.

Aw, well done . I hope that you and your DS have a lovely Christmas.

C'mon MN, we need a smiley but teary emoticon .

Wonderful news.
It took me 18 months and lots of lurking and contributing to MN to work out what had happened and why I was still grieving for my abusive ex.
It does take time to process, start to speak openly, to realise that the relationship is abnormal and to gradually fill the black hole left by an abuser with good things.
eventually the good things simply leave no room in your mind for the bad stuff and as someone said up thread you realise you are free of the hypnotist's spell.
Next year is going to be fab for you op.

thank you for your replies. Cogito you have perfectly summed up the formula which has worked for me.
Im in no way over what happened, my emotional scars will take some time to heal im sure but as another poster said my mind is filled with positives rather than negatives and im ready to deal with life, more than ready!
In the last month my car needed replacing, my washer broke and ex refused to hand my tv over to me, despite knowing id paid for it. Initially i would have sobbed and gotten angry, now im calm. They are material things(my afore mentioned awesome dad replaced all 3, god love him). Even if ex does or says something to piss me off i hold my head up and ignore, ignore, ignore with big smile plastered on my face. He will never see me angry, upset or annoyed again. I refuse to fuel his sick kicks anymore.
Today myself and my gorgeous boy are off to a winter wonderland to meet santa and his reindeer and will then have a pub tea with loads of friends and their dc. Ds will be 2 next week, xmas in our OWN tidy, calm, lovely home. Life is good, finally i am content.
Btw the difference in ds is huge, should have mentioned this first to be honest. He is sociable, chatty, is developing so so well. This, before anything else, is justification for anyone, anywhere to find the courage and strenght to leave an abusive relationship

Bravo , wereonourway! Thanks for telling us how things are working out.

I actually cried a little bit. That's wonderful! Well done for being a positive role model of strength and courage.

Here's to 2013 - the year of living joyfully!

That's amazing. Well done and congratulations.

Here's to a dickhead-free 2013.

So happy for you love x

That's amazing about your DS. A lesson for anyone 'staying together for the kids'.

SO good to hear your story! It's always nice to hear about people who took all the advice given to them and made the scary but bold leap into the unknown by leaving a bad relationship.

Well done for getting out, glad to hear your life is better now, and you know what? It will keep getting batter!

Really happy for you. Well done for moving forward and have a lovely new year x

Reading these replies makes me very proud, very happy i decided to share my thoughts and feelings.

Eleanor- im very sorry to hear of your experience and so glad you and your dc are now so well and happy. Its stories like this which have spurred me on through the hard times.