He is trying really hard and i'm just on self distruct.....

[tuffinmop]

Bit of a long one...
My husband has impotence, since we first met. We dealt with it, I loved him, thought he loved me all was good with the world. We had 2 children and then I discovered he had been having an online relationship with a woman in Asia, sending her money, telling her that he loved her, alot more than just flirting. I then found out he had a serious porn addiction and was spending hundreds of pounds of family money on it.

We obviously went through a very hard time, I decided we should try and stay together. Then I fell pregnant (bloody miracle - literally the only time in months) and over the next few months he had a near nervous breakdown due to work stress. In an attempt to try and get out of the awful mess we decided to move, he got a new job and we moved counties.
The porn continued and I found out it had moved on to webcamming, I found him still logged on to a site. It was then (12 months ago) that I felt my love for him break in half, like a wire had been cut. I stopped trying to cope with everything, worrying about his mental health and I got really bloody mad.
I retreated from him emotionally, physically and went into a spiral of depression myself, that I am still in I think.
Since then, he has tried so hard to turn it around, he is deeply sorry, we have had many tears and long talks. He went and still goes to see a counsellor and is slowly coming to terms with the triggers that led him to treat me so badly (easier to be intimate online, "failing" at sex too scary) He has become a much better father and husband, He is loosing weigh and taking care of himself. You'd think i'd be happy....
But i'm not. I am still miserable, I over eat, I drink to numb how miserable I feel, I feel completely screwed up about sex, we have not had sex since I concieved DC3, so 2 years.

I am angry and bitter at the money spent, the lack of respect to me and our children. I know that without intimacy we will most likely break up sooner or later but I am angry that for years our sex life was really crap, because secretly he had another outlet.

We do get on, I loved him to bits once, and still love him, but its not the same. I know he has made a real effort and it turning his life around, I should be really pleased. How do I get over this so we can move on? We could have a really nice life if I could get over it all. I start counselling once a fortnight after Xmas, I just hope that helps. Thanks for listening.

Hi OP, can relate...

Didn't want to read and run, going out now but should be back later...

Have you tried seeing someone? A therapist may help you as it's helping your DH.

Hi Tuff

God what a horrible situation to have to deal with. All credit to you for hanging in there - he really doesn't deserve you, does he? This will no doubt take a long time to get over and the fact that you're giving it a try is very important. It sounds as if you're going to give it your best shot, so see how the counselling goes and take it from there. No-one will ever be able to say you didn't try everything to make your marriage work. Good luck.

"I should be really pleased. How do I get over this so we can move on?"

Why are you obliged to do any of those things? Why do you have to 'get over it?' Why is this at all your problem?

His behaviour has destroyed your relationship, you've been routinely rejected and humiliated to the heart of your femininity in preference for porn, treated like crap, lied to, promises broken, your loyalty exploited .... and you don't put that kind of damage right with a bit of weight-loss, a few tears and 'I'm sorry'. Doesn't happen.

Love isn't like other things where effort brings rewards. Love is an intangible emotion that you either feel or you don't. When you described feeling that 'wire' snapping .... that's when you stopped feeling love and started feeling cheated. You're miserable, overeating, numb and closed off to sex because you know it's the end. All the time you stay with this man, those feelings will just get worse. Not worth it.

justinboobie I start counselling in the new year. I have lots of other stuff going on alongside this, namely the death of my darling mum 6 years ago, leaving her mum (my gran) still here and now reliant on me. I have EPOA for her and she is in a nursing home near me now, but its been a hard road.

Cognito I know.... I feel like I have put up with too much and he is flourishing with all the time and space and second chances and I am floundering. I just know that the alternative is another very hard road with 3 dc under 5.

I guess I want to know if anyone else has been in this situation and actually managed to rebuild it? If DH is consistently there and reliable and never looks at porn again ever will I forgive? How on earth do I do that when I feel like the early days of our marriage and the foundations of our marriage were built on lies?

I am really trying to make this ok, for me and my kids

"I just know that the alternative is another very hard road with 3 dc under 5."

All you know for definite is that the current road is causing you a huge amount of misery as you let this excuse for a man continue to trample over what's left of your self-esteem. Once you've worked out someone is so disgusting, repellent and contemptible, there is no real going back that doesn't compromise your self-respect.

I would suggest you ask him to leave, work out his 'triggers' and indulge in counselling in his own time and give yourself chance to feel what independence is really like. My bet is you'll find it a lot easier to manage 3 DC under 5 when you haven't got a big fat fourth DC cluttering the place up with his self-pity-party......

Cogito there you go again your answer to everything seems to be ask him to leave someone must have really done a number on you at some point.

Woman's activist ?

If 'woman's (sic) activist' means that I think women deserve better than to believe they have to stick with inadequate men that have shown them nothing but disrespect, contempt, lies and worse then yes... I'm very happy with that description. No-one's done a number on me....

In this case, asking this man to leave gives the OP - a woman who is utterly miserable and in her own words in the middle of a 'self-destruct' - the chance to think about the future clearly without his self-pitying, tearful, apologetic presence muddying the waters. It's very difficult to properly work out what to do when someone is right there, in your face, playing the guilt card all the time. Separation may not be the final outcome but I think it serves a useful purpose short-term.

Are you stalking on a mission to denigrate Cogito, WTMTR? If so, I suggest you save your sermon for Sunday or go preach elsewhere.

Eh, Wantto? Did you mean to be so incredibly rude to Cogito

OP this sounds just awful for you. Can you bear to get Xmas out of the way before making a decision? Spend some time pondering how You want to be, and the life you wish to lead. I would in your shoes, be planning to go and working out how I can support my kids in the event of splitting up.

I am loath to say LTB - only because you need to have the feeling that you will be fine if you do (and I am sure you will be, lots of people on here to testify to that) and you may need to gather childcarers / work together before you make that move - but a break as Cogito says may definitely give you the space YOU need.