'16th birthdays should be special' says my mum about DD's birthday forgetting that she beat me up on mine and called me a slut for wearing lipstick

[SickOfBeingSoScared]

although the rule was that I could wear makeup at 16 and that's why I put it on with impunity hoping I would be told I looked nice .

She has not seen her grandchildren for almost a year,(did not give them last years xmas presents until the 7th Jan) forgot my other Dcs birthdays during the year but wanted to take DD out for a 'spa day' tomorrow.

She has just rung me and told me that she now can't (why bother asking in the 1st bloody place?) so DD is let down and will send her some money to spend (whoo hoo) but is upset as '16th birthdays should be special'. Thanks but we will make sure it is special and DD will not be called a slut or attacked, and anyway she has been wearing makeup for years!!

Fucked me up so much my mum .

It sounds like she is still beating you up today. I spent over 40 years trying to placate a vicious cruel mother. Two years ago I broke off contact after she called my husband a paedophile (completely unwarranted btw). It was the best thing I ever did. I am still upset by the things she said and did to me, and it is hard not having a mother and never seeing her again, I am still going through a bereavement process, but on the whole I feel a lot better.

My mum is a nasty bit of work, my sister cut contact with 20 years ago.

Fortunately she lives quite a distance from us, and we only seem to see her at relatives weddings now.
I have distanced myself from her as she really detests my middle child and makes this really obvious to him.

You need to grieve for what you haven't had/got in a mother and move on.

Happy 16th to your dd.

Why are you still in contact with her?

I am sorry your mum is such a shit.

Get consolation from the fact that you have done a much better job at being a mother than she was able to

Hope your DD has a good day, I'm sure she will prefer the money to the time with your mother x

Muminwestlondon Thank you, that is right she is still metaphorically beating me and making me feel like shit at the age of 41. I did tell her 2 years ago how she made me feel and how my childhood affected me but she denied it (or rather my step father did she did not have the guts).

I don't know why I still am in contact other than I am a bloody wonderful daughter who loves her mother very much worries about her, feels responsible for her etc but has to accept that this is not reciprocated and never will be. Grieving for a 'real' mother is right, in fact it probably is because I am a much better mother than her that it hurts so much to realise what I have missed out on (that counselling is working see!).

Thanks all - she has made me feel very down again when I already had a migraine and a sleepless toddler to deal with!

I really do want to cut all contact but I genuinely do not want to upset her!!

I think at 16, your DD is old enough to be told what your 16th birthday was like.

Why are you bothered about upsetting her? do you think she was all that bothered about upsetting you on your 16th, or do you think she was bothered about upsetting you, as in, it was important to her that she did upset you.

Do you think she has let your DD down as a way to be mean to you? In which case, why are you offering up your DCs to be hurt in order to give her a chance to make you feel like shit? Why aren't you stopping her access to them?