Not sure what's happening or how I feel.

[alreadyinbloodyuse]

Hi,

I have name changed so I can't be recognised.

I know this is nothing major but I'm feeling really confused and quite upset. I'm losing sleep and feeling anxious/ depressed.

I moved in with my partner 3 years ago into a new house, I already have Ds1 who is a teen and has known Dp since a baby, very fond of him.

We also have a DS(2) who is 18 months old.

We got along really well up until about 3 months ago. He is funny (bit of a piss taker, but I've passed this off as just his personality, until recently).
But we are getting on less, slowly but surely.
I don't know if it's because I've been using Mumsnet and have been angered by the way many women are treated by their DP/DHs but I have grown very intolerant of him.

He works very hard but seems to think that we are here for him to take his daily stresses out on, once he said he was "allowed".

Work has been very busy and his stress levels have been causing him anxiety. He really plays on it when he's at home, sighing loudly, closing his eyes and making a real effort to look stressed iykwim. I offer to talk but he just snaps at me.
He's playful with the kids but is losing patience with Ds2, he is a very active, loud child. He called him a miserable shit the other day.

I suffer from a lot of anxiety but he never asks how I am, I'm not allowed to get stressed because I don't "work" (I'm a SAHM).
He feels the need to constantly remind me that he goes to work and "jokes" about earning my keep.

He doesn't do much at home unless I ask him to, but often forgets as he just zones out infront of the laptop ALL night, communicating is near immpossible (unless it's in his intrest). He says this is how he relaxes.

I think I have learned that he is passive aggressive and quite sexist too.
I just don't know what happened to my partner who was very gentle in nature, tactful and sypmathetic.
Perhaps resents me for being a sahm.

I have thought of leaving but come to a dead end because I have nothing and noone, my family are 80+ miles away and not the most supportive.

I feel like I' m losing my feelings for him and I feel lonely.

Talking isn't an option as he can get defensive and unreasonable. Rarely takes responsibility.

I'm sick of it.

I do love him because I feel guilty for having these feelings.

We are bickering more but I think that is because I retaliate more, why should I put up with being treated like a pet.
I bet a pet would be treated better than me.

Sorry but I need to get it off my chest.

You do know what is happening - your partner is taking the piss, and you do know how you feel - You don't like it.

Just because you feel guilty, it doesn't mean you love him it means you are trained to put his needs first.

Start looking at your options; do you rent, own property is your name on the lease/deeds?

Sadly, it is only too common for some men to show their true misogynistic colours when the first baby arrives. We have to discount DS1 as he represents your old life, as it were, but my feeling is that the dynamic changed with DS2.... ie. you are now under the same roof, you've become dependent on your partner, and he sees himself as now having dominant/superior status, no effort required on his part. So he's taking you for granted, doesn't respect you and is treating you with a casual contempt. Big man isn't he, calling a toddler names?... He's what's technically known as 'a knob'.

Why would you feel guilty about being annoyed with this apparent change in his attitude? Why wouldn't you be pissed off that he's roped you in with a nice guy act only to turn into Mr Lazy Selfish Grumpy Bastard? What are you meant to do... keep schtum, be grateful that he pays the bills and play along just to keep the peace? I don't think so.

Leaving may be a difficult option but I think, if you want to get through to him, that you have to present it as a reasonable consequence if he doesn't get his act together and start treating you with more respect. In the meantime, I'd be getting myself a job and some independent income.... reduce your reliance on him.

We rent, joint tenancy, I did work but had to give up, childcare too expensive and DS2 has extreme separeation anxiety. He still bfs a lot so I was hoping to stay at home until he was at least 3.

Yes I am supposed to act grateful.

I'm just so sad, this isn't why I move in with him. I've known him for 13 years and this isn't how I know him. Promotions at work haven't helped, his income doesn't reflect what he does which never helps. Although we are not in poverty.

I think I'll have to find a time to talk to him and be hard hitting and brave.

Is your DS2 really suffering from separation anxiety or are you keeping him extremely close because you're so unhappy?

It might not be the younger child, if he was OK for the first 15 months of his life.

Sorry to suggest this, but I think you need to explore the possibility that in the last 3 months he has begun, or is contemplating beginning, an affair. It is pretty classic to start finding (spurious) faults at home in order to give oneself 'permission' to transgress.

Cog I'm not sure, when we were happier ds was very anxious then, I certainly keep him close because of my own anxieties (I thought I was going to lose him during pregnancy and have never come back from it). Our bfeeding relationship is still going very strong so I can't go too far.
I had considered an affair but he doesn't leave the house much, but does have a newish smart phone and Internet access for hours after I go to bed.
But it's just not his style ( I don't think) oh I'm confused.

Any idea what he's up to on the the net practically ALL night?

Usually football games/matches, possibly Facebook. Really I don't actually know.

If he has changed within the last three months, do you think he is talking and taking advice from someone else who resents your home arrangements and trying to make him leave you or you leave him?

Could he be becoming depressed and need to see a doctor- snapping at your ds is unacceptable and calling him names. He has to stop that. Does he spend time with your ds alone and build a relationship with him to help the separation anxiety?

Sitting on the Internet all night - does he come to bed with you and get up again? Can you look at the history on the computer and see what he has been doing? Are you comfortable with asking him and saying let me sit with you and see what is taking all the attention? How would he feel about that?

Is he a bit precious with his phone? Have you looked at it to see text messages, emails etc?

What does your teen think? They are normally very sensitive to home atmospheres.

He works in a male dominated place so I can imagine things are said, I wouldn't know if he is being influenced.
I don't know if he's depressed, but has anxiety which is more work related.
He does spend small amounts of time with ds but usually the laptop distracts his attention, so I try not to leave them alone too long, he gets told off for going near the tv or laptop.
I get moaned at too if I'm (say) too long in the shower, he just wants to sit and do nothing. Doesn't give us many opportunities to get used to being apart.
He never was protective with his phone but now I just don't see it or hear it, it could just stay in the bedroom. He's not surgically attached to it.
He goes to bed about midnight and stays there, I share with ds at the moment because of the night wakings and feeding, we co-sleep.
At the wknds it can be 2am when he goes to bed.

My eldest seems quite happy.
He's very vocal and does ask questions when he has something playing on his mind.

All I ever see is football sites I often sit next to him.

Have you been co-sleeping since birth? And do you go to bed with your ds or do you get in later or when he wakes up? Is your ds going to bed before you?

It's very hard when you are co sleeping and bf to have any time for sex together and if your ds is so clingy but now getting older a d not a baby any more, then that might be affecting your relationship with your husband?

D you spend time or take your teen out and leave dh with his ds? Have you talked to him about it and see if he is feeling as though dynamics should be changing a bit?

I take ds to bed and jump in later, occasionally I go to sleep with him.
I rarely get the chance to do anything with ds1 or by myself.
I spoke with Dp and said I'm not happy, that something doesn't feel right, that he is distant and I don't like bearing the brunt of his stress.
He agreed he has been zoning out a lot more and also agreed (apologetically) when I said he HAS to stop calling names. He is also quitting footy on Saturdays (voluntarily) to spend time with ds2 I'm relieved about that, I've been hoping he would.
He can take ds to his mums.
We are going to try to do more together and as a family on days off.
I'm hoping things improve but im still keeping a close eye on things and if he doesn't stick to his work I will have to consider ultimatums.
Wish me luck!

That sounds positive, although as long as at his mums he takes care of ds and not his mum babysitting for the day! I meant he could take him swimming, to the park, all the stuff you do, so he knows dad can do it too.

Well done though, you sound a bit happier.

Thanks yes I feel a bit better. Still weary. I just hope he listened and makes the changes.