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Original poster

Getting married but not living together? Complete insanity or the future?

96 replies

DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 13:41

I have been with my OH a while now. I have two children and my own home and am very settled and happy. If I'm honest, I don't want to live with anyone for the foreseeable future. I like my own company, my own space, like doing things 'my way' and am fairly independent.

My partner is the same I suppose. Very independent, likes his own space, happy living alone.

We spend 4 or 5 evenings a week together on average. Speak every day. We are very happy together and all is well. And we are in agreement - we could see ourselves married but not living together. Not forever, but for the medium term.

Is this complete madness, even though it is something we BOTH want and ultimately it is what WE are happy with? is it too madly unconventional? I suppose you could say ' what is the point in being married? ' but I like the idea of it, the security, the bond etc.

What do you think?

OP posts:
badinage · 06/12/2012 14:19

A marriage wouldn't make you more secure though. It would entitle you to a share of eachother's assets and could make you responsible for the other's debts though. I think your idea is fine, just can't see why you want to get married. What value would it add to your life?

Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:20

I do receive WTC and CTC so I suppose that would be something to consider. No idea how being married affects this stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:21

badinage - I like the idea of it, like the bond, it would make me feel more secure < for want of a better word > and it's a promise of a shared future.

That's just how I feel about it

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 06/12/2012 14:21

i totally get the crumbs in bed scenario! i have my cats on teh bed with me and EXP used to go crazy. it was one of many bones of contention. it was comlicated with us because he was in the forces and away 90% of the time so i was living alone and was so used to my own way of doing things and choosing whether i allowed certain things to happen, then EXP would come home for a week and we would have to go back to keeping the cats out, or me not being able to watch tv in bed as it kept him awake etc. it was a relief when he left tbh.

gettingeasier · 06/12/2012 14:22

Sounds perfect but I also cant see why you want to marry

badinage · 06/12/2012 14:22

Being married nearly always adversely affects tax breaks and benefits.

Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:23

Santa - yes I can understand all that. I let my son creep into bed with me - no problem at all. Should 6 year olds be in their own beds? Umm, YES! I also sometimes eat chocolate for dinner, like the heating turned up high, hate cooking...all sorts of things that are only compatible with ME alone

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 06/12/2012 14:24

badinage it also affects who is next of kin which is quite important for things like medical decisions. it would make you more secure in the event of death aswell, if there was to be an inheritance.

badinage · 06/12/2012 14:25

If you own your own home and will lose tax breaks and benefits on marriage, you will be less secure not more, surely? Unless you mean security in the relationship itself. I don't think marriage confers any greater security in a relationship, where no children are shared.

FeuDeSnowyRussie · 06/12/2012 14:25

I like the idea of it, like the bond, it would make me feel more secure < for want of a better word > and it's a promise of a shared future

CarlingBlackMabel · 06/12/2012 14:25

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

In your situation, I wouldn't be considering an actual marriage at this stage. You seem to manage and prefer financial independence and if you have a job and income, and your own home, why would you throw in your lot with someone else? The often cited financial benefits of marriage for women mostly apply to SAHMs or where the man earns more, or the woman is living in and contributing to a house which is not in her name.

I would also hesitate to disrupt a happy situation in order to negotiate bringing him into your home as a step-parent.

Remain as content as you are, and see how you feel once your kids have flown to coop. You might then feel more strongly about companionship, or the step parent issue wouldn't be as strong, or other changes.

Have a 'we love each other and we want to celebrate our partnership' party without actually getting married, if you wnat to make a mark of some kind.

CuttedUpPear · 06/12/2012 14:26

What a refreshing thread. Not so long ago I had a thread about a problem with my DP, we've been together 5 yrs but don't live together.

I was told by several posters that he couldn't possibly be my partner if we didn't live together. There it was decreed that he was only my boyfriend.

Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:26

Ultimately I stand to inherit in the future. So yes, all assets would need protecting/sorting/agreeing. I'm not too concerned about that right now however... he has a damn sight more money than I have!

OP posts:
Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:27

bad - yes, I meant security in a relationship/shared future sense

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 06/12/2012 14:27

john you sound like me!

yes 6 year olds (or 7 year olds in my case) shoudl be in their own beds but sometimes they just want to be in with mum. my ds was 3 when i got back with his dad and had always been used to climbing into bed with me, i had no problem with it but exp did so ds didn't do it anymore, he has only really started doing it again in the last year (exp left 2 years ago).

the more i think about this the more i think i would want this arrangement in the future at least while my dcs are still smallish

YourMotherWasAHamster · 06/12/2012 14:28

My uncle and his wife have done this for the last 30 years. They lived together from when his wife got pregnant to when his daughter was 6 months old.

They live a ten minute walk from each and their daughter has her own bedroom at both houses, although she mainly lives at her mum's house.

He has has always said he couldn't live with her because she is so untidy in the house and he likes a tidy house. It suits them both perfectly, they have always said that if they lived together they would have split up years ago.

Funnily enough they will go on holiday camping together for a month at a time - in one tiny tent! - and they love that (presumably because she can't make so much of a mess!).

They are both in their early fifties now and their daughter is 27, I don't know whether they will continue to live apart when they are older - I would imagine it will depend on finances when there are no longer two incomes to pay for two rental properties.

CarlingBlackMabel · 06/12/2012 14:29

I wouldn't lose my WTC etc in order to be made dependent on him making up the difference in a household income. It could change the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:29

pear - he is whatever you want him to be. Not every relationship starts in the pub as you lock eyes, and finishes in a marriage with 2.4 children. A relationship is personal and unique to the two people in it surely? So if he is , in your eyes, your partner... then..amazingly!! ... he is your partner. I'm unsure how someone else can try and tell you what he is to you or what your partnership is to the two of you? Ignore ignore.

OP posts:
Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 14:31

santa - yes, the children being small is a fairly crucial point. They have a perfectly fine father, I am not looking for a step dad. Of course they have met him, he sees them for chat/ dinner/ walk with the dogs and buys them birthday and xmas presents. I like the responsibility ending there however for now!

I dont want to wait until theyve left home. Thats another 12 years.

I will be in the nursing home by then

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 06/12/2012 15:25

Yes, I think it's the future, tho I know lots of people living like this already.

With the housing situation being what it is, I'd be mad to give up on my place, where I love living, I can do exactly what I want, when I want.
I have one DC.

I wouldn't want a man around 24/7, he can pick up his own socks Smile.

gettingeasier · 06/12/2012 15:44

Its a luxurious position to be in though , many struggle to fund one home, so I cant see it being the thing of the future

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 06/12/2012 15:46

I can completely understand wanting to make a commitment but live separately, particularly while your kids are young. Nothing weird about it, and I say that as someone living with my DH!

But if you own your homes you'd be in a bit of a weird situation legally as if you did get divorced they would be considered to be in the pot of marital assets, even though you see them as separate.

Original poster
DearJ0hn · 06/12/2012 15:49

I was not very clear. I do not 'own' my home - I privately rent. He owns his home.

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 06/12/2012 15:55

i see that OP has said she doesn't own her home but if she did and there was to be a divorce, wouldn't it be worked out based on who paid what into which home? so in that case OP would only be entitled to her house and her DH would only be entitled to his.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 06/12/2012 15:56

I see. That would put me off if I were your DP as if the worst were to happen you would be entitled to a share of his house that you'd never lived in. Not at all suggesting you would do this, just for me I wouldn't take the chance as I've seen too many divorces get nasty!