Shakey and tearful- Mum- I need more advice please.

[HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1622043-Im-feeling-shakey-and-tearful-and-need-some-perspective-Mum?pg=1

This is the other thread. I haven't posted as I was waiting for the longer reply from her.

I've had a reply, and I'm angry. i don't know if it's my imagination or not that she's blaming me, and making it all about herself again.

This is the reply

"Hello Again,
I really don't know where to start with this...I have given what you said much thought. I never intended to cause you any upset or distress and I still feel the same way now.
I do have to say this, however...when I last saw you on your wedding day, your last words to me were that you would call me on your return from honeymoon. The call never came...given our history I took this that you didn't want to keep contact. I am never going to force myself on anyone...so I waited
You ask about my wondering about grandchildren...you have never told me of their existence. How can I be inquisitive about something that I don't know about. The same goes about my not being there when you were clearly very ill.
I cannot read minds, so please don't yell at me for ignorance. If you want to tell me then, of course I want to know, and I would have been devastated if anything had happened to you. I have lost many thing along the way in my life and can honestly say that you are the most precious.
You most assuredly were the daughter that I wanted,but you know, it was spoilt for me by your father's interfering and for the most part, spiteful family. I'm not going into that on a site like this and renew my earlier comment that we have much to discuss before we can move forward. I cannot allow for you to go on thinking that I am responsible for everything that went wrong when I certainly am not.It's so easy to blame someone in there absence.
I am happy to wait for you to decide whether we should meet, just you and I.
Just let me know, xxxxx"

I did say that about calling after honey moon. And I did call. 3 or 4 times, and left a message once. i also posted her a photgraph (of me and her). I don't believe she didn't get the message OR the photo. Plus, she has a fucking phone herself. If we have said to MIL we would ring after such and such, and we don't, she rings to ask if we're okay.

Considering our history- I was a child for the majority of that history at the time (was 21 when got married).

I've never blamed her for not being there as a child, I in fact held her in revere (for some demented fucking reason)

Please, am i reading this message wrong, am I wrong to be so pissed off?

I think i do want to meet up, but not while she is still blaming me as a child, and avoiding taking ANY of the blame. I don't want her to beg for forgiveness etc, but her attitude..?

Also, no i didn't call her when I had our eldest. I thought she didn't want to know again. And when i had her and nearly died, I wasn't in the mood for a reconciliation, and after that I had PND, more dc, autism to deal with etc, etc. BUT she DID know about her. I have been assured of that by a family member from her side.

I' had to stop myself from fireing off an ill thought out angry message, I need to gather my thoughts, and again, becfause of HER I can't think clearly.

I'm normally quite level headed (I have to be with 4 dc, 3 of whom have ASD).

Is she worth knowing?

Is she worth having in your life?

You cant make someone care and she sounds like she doesnt. Maybe she has told thoses lies so much she believes them?

If you want to know her and have her in your life you you need to yell her how you see the events but it might scare her off or leave you open to more hurt. She may never admit her responsability in leaving.

Have you had counciling about this?

What do you want from her?

You cant make the mum you got into the person you want them to be. You need to see them for who they are and decide if you want them in your life.

Come on now, calm down.

She really is a piece of work, in my view.

Sadly I have a younger sister a bit like this- she left home to man chase when her youngest was only 14, and since then has only given any of her (now young adult) three kids a minute of her time if she has been left by yet another male loser. She always sses herself as a victim too.

This lady is not someone who is of a mind to examine her actions, is she?

She knows really what she is, but even in these few communiques she has blamed your father, his family and even you for the relationship failure.

What does that tell you about her? Or about her willingness to engage is a healthy two way relationship?

To be honest she sounds like an incredibly selfish person. She walked out on you when you where 4, and yet after your wedding she was waiting for you to contact her? Why on earth couldnt she contact you?

She hasnt even met your children, even made out she didnt know they existed?!

I know your curious, and maybe want her to fill the void that she left when she walked out, but really i think you've made it this far without her, why would you need her now? She's never been there for you, i dont think i could forgive that.

I can't stop crying, and I do think it's because I'm starting to realise we will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

I don't want a mary poppins mum, I don't expect her to suddenly become mum of the year, I just wanted her to care about me and keep in touch.

No, i haven't had counselling.

Sorry for poor spelling.

She doesn't really seem to care that much about you. If you we're genuinely precious to her she would have been in contact.

You deserve much better

I'm trying to compose a message back, but I think I will have to wait until tomorrow when I'm calmer.

My youngest turned 5 the other week, it just reinforced how much she had missed out on. It was turning around in my mind for days, and one night I couldn't sleep, and that's why I messaged her.

I don't know why I need her now, I suppose I just want a mum, not that she is likely to be one to me

I feel like I don't have anyone to support me. My dad is okay, but I can't really talk to him. Just for the little things, like I have to take DC4 to the GP to get him referred. I need to make a list of his autistic traits, but instead i want to stick my fingers in my ears and sing "la, la, lala". I want someone to support me through things like this.

Of course dh does too, but he's going through the same as me. It woiuld just be nice if there was someone for me.

Think about what Vicar said in your last thread. That she will not tell you what you want to hear.

Or worse, she will do what my sisters does to hers and say exactly what they want to hear and agree totally with their every opinion, and then let them down again three weeks later.

I do think you need to mourn the mother you wanted, and who you really do deserve. Sweetheart, I dont think she exists. Not from what her messages so far tell you, anyway.

Maybe not today, but try to draw up a mental list of all the positive and kind people you have in your life eg at home, work, or elsewhere.

WE can get our 'child' needs met in a lot of ways. Believe me, I know. (my sister learned from my own mother).

Just continue to live differently...you are no doubt doing so perfectly.

I don't know why I said "for the little things. It's not a little thing. DC2 is already diagnosed, DC3 is currently being assessed by cahms. So I'm not relishing starting again.

You are not wrong to be pissed off. Yes she is blaming you and making it all about herself. A mum who genuinely loved you and wanted to mend your relationship would be apologising left right and centre for everything under the sun.

She hasn't, so far, acknowledged that any single tiny thing was her fault, has she? That doesn't bode well.

Maybe you could reply "I think I will wait until you are ready to stop blaming everyone else for your own actions. Do let me know when you are ready to face that." And then refuse to be drawn until you receive a message from her with the word "sorry", used appropriately, in it.

One thought - I found it very helpful to stop refering to, and thinking of, my mother as "Mum". I think of her by her name now, and it helps a lot! She stops being this mythical creature who is supposed to love me and can do no wrong, and shrinks right down to the self-absorbed fool she is.

I've been talking to my Auntie (my mothers sister). She said that she feels a lot of guilt about what happened and is very defensive about it. So she lashes out about it. She did say that obviously this is wrong, and unhelpful to me (and any future relationship we may have). My Auntie wasn't making excuses, she was just trying to explain why she is the way she is. She doesn't know why or how she left me as a child, just why she acts so distantly with me as an adult.

She can show emotion, she is a good aunt to my cousins and their children (ouch, that hurts), I just wish she could be like that with me.

Maybe it's all to messed up to sort out.

I have agreed to meet her. No reply yet. I need to ask some questions, even if it is so I can walk away with some answers.

Maybe you could reply "I think I will wait until you are ready to stop blaming everyone else for your own actions. Do let me know when you are ready to face that." And then refuse to be drawn until you receive a message from her with the word "sorry", used appropriately, in it.

I have said if we meet she needs to stop blaming my family. I was 21 when she last cut contact. My father and his family couldn't have prevented a relationship between us if they tried (they didn't). She's done that herself.

Give her this last chance then leave it at that.

It sounds like you have done every thing in your power to have a relationship with her and she not taking the chance to know you.

Do you know whether your mum had ASD like your children could that be why she behaving like this.

Good God no don't give her one last chance!

I think it's really, really important for you to come to terms with the fact you have a SHIT mother, and that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Do that through a great therapist if you can.

You cannot make twats like this woman behave reasonably and humanely.

It is not your fault that the woman who gave birth to you is hurtful, selfish and toxic.

I strongly urge you not to reply to her and to start moving on with your life without her in it - it will be a calmer and happier existence and you will NEVER get what you want from her.

So sorry my love x

Headfirst

Is it so difficult to arrange to meet your mother and listen to what she has to say ? At the moment, you are just speculating/ prejudging on what has gone on without knowing anything from her side . After that, you can then make a decision as to whether you want to stay in contact with her . There is also the possibility that what has gone on in the past has partly shaped your future and how you see things .

Oh you poor, poor thing.

Your mother sounds very much like mine - she buggered off when I was a few months old and that was that - I never saw her in childhood. I got to know her when I was 16 and she made my life a misery - she was rather spiteful, mocked me, criticised my every move. I was so desperate to have a mother that I was happy to put up with it. I too could never get answers as to why she left - it was always someone else's fault. She is a professional victim - sounds like your mother.

My life has been immeasurably better since I cut contact over 4 years ago. I don't have that anxious feeling of feeling not good enough. She is not a mother. I have stopped calling her that. And I have had to come to terms with not having a 'proper' mother like other people.

I am so sorry. It is incredibly hard. And people, because it is your mother, always say 'oh give her another chance'. Why should you. She has had a whole lifetime of chances.

If I were you I would not see her again. It all seems to be about her. She won't change - she will always remain a fundamentally selfish person who won't accept that she has made mistakes because that is the role she has carved out for herself - that of someone who has been victimised by others. People like your mother and mine twist things like barley sugar and it can end up making you very unhappy.

I agree with proudnscary. Think of yourself anf your family. You and your family are deserving of your time - not this flawed woman.

GetorfsaMother

I not saying Headfirst give her mother another chance because she her mother, I saying it because as I read Headfirst post's it sounds like (to me and I may be mis-reading) that headfirst needs to meet so she has 'closure' on this.

Some thoughts re her relationship with her sisters and their children. She does not owe them anything; there is no sense of guilt or responsibility surrounding them. She can legitimately swan in and out of their lives with no expectation and no-one looking askance. With her own daughter(s) she would have to be constantly sweeping inconvenient prickles of conscience (or, at least, the knowledge that people will judge her) under the carpet. That must be hard to sustain for very long at a time. So much more comfortable to pretend the whole thing, including the two live, fabulous adults she brought into existence, didn't happen or in any case is totally not her fault. Fingers in ears, "la la la", as you said yourself about DS's needs, but because you love your children more than yourself (plus have a basic sense of responsibility) you will overcome the impulse to hide, and tackle it. She wouldn't because she couldn't. The louder the demands, the louder the "la la la" to drown it out.

The only qualification for giving birth is fertility. Hence some people have children who really shouldn't, whilst others who would make brilliant parents never get the chance. Sometimes Nature sucks.

Do you want HER in your life? Actually HER. the human being that she is.

Or do you want a mother and you're clinging on to her in the hope that one day she'll turn into what you have wanted all your life?

Because you will only be disappointed if it's the latter.

My father was quite absent through my childhood and I too idolised him for some reason! Then I got to know him as an adult and realised he was a real loser. He too has and will never apologise for his behaviour in the past, and is quick to blame others and circumstance - it is never his fault.

I guess i have finally realised that he will never be the father I dreamed of having as a child. He made stupid selfish decisions and still stands by them. He will never apologise.
You and you're mum's relationship is more extreme, but you need to come to the same realisations and decided if she is really worth having in your life.

I just realised I wish my father had stayed away so I could carry on imagining him to be soemone better, rather than the reality of knowing him.

I have never been in your situation, or anything close so forgive me if I say the wrong thing. As an outsider, my gut instinct is that you are best to steer clear of her - certainly for the time being. I just get the feeling from what you have written that she's not bothered, and it's not her fault. It may not be all her fault, but a decent explanation and acknowledgement of what happened would help.

Perhaps it would help you if you could write a letter, saying some of what you've said on here about your feelings, be open and honest about how awful it has been for you, what you would like to get from a renewed relationship with her. If you feel like it, include some family photos to give her a sense of what your family is like. Hang on to it for a few days before you post it, so that you can change your mind if you want to.

Post it, then leave it to her to get in touch with you. If she really wants to get to know your and your family then she will make contact, if she doesn't then you know where you stand. A face to face meeting, will probably only lead to heated words, tears (I cry very easily in stressful situations and am then rendered useless!), and things said that may shouldn't have been.

Would you consider some form of counselling now - with such a specific issue it might be useful and helpful for you to sort out your feelings and wants? I'm sorry this is all so awful, I hope that you get through it ok.

Hello everyone. Thanks again for all of the advice, there's a lot of useful stuff that I will bear in mind RE my mother.

I haven't had a reply from her yet, but...

I just thought I'd update that we had a lovely visit from my cousin and her children over the weekend. She is mum's sister's dd. We hadn't seen each other for 11 years but it went brilliantly. We are visiting them next weekend and my Auntie and other cousin will be there.

My (half) sister is coming over from Singapore with her dh and dc for Christmas and has asked to meet up too.

So, even if my mother doesn't get back to me, at least the situation has resulted in bringing me closer to her side of the family again. My dc were so pleased to meet their cousins, and the cousin who visited is going through a similar situation regards ASD with 2 of her dc, so it was good for both of us to talk and really understand each other.

So I'm going to focus on the positive, and what will be with my mother, will be