Feeling a bit judged by a friend

[leavesarefalling]

My friend and her DP went away for the weekend and her DS came to stay. He 11 so is a bit younger than my DS but they are friends, but don't see much of each other.

I thought the weekend went well for all the children.

She has just called me to say "what was wrong with your DS's ?"
Her son had been 'VERY unhappy and hurt' that my youngest DS had gone off a couple of times and played on his laptop rather than playing all the time with her DS.

I did see this, but as my older DS stepped in to the breach so to speak, I did not think it's a big deal as i know my youngest does need time on his own and does take himself off for this anyway. There was no fighting or unpleasantness.

I felt very defensive and felt like she was trying to extract an apology for me. I do not think my DS's behaviour was rude or unkind. I did apologise to her though but feel like i had actually nothing to apologise for.

I feel it was unnecessary to mention this to me and feel a bit upset with her. I feel like she was judging my hospitality and that of my DS's.

I feel like saying 'no' next time she asks me to look after her DS.

Do it then. In the words of Zammo, 'just say no!'

Do say 'no' next time she asks you to look after her DS. Explain that your childcare is obviously not up to her standards.

Did her DS look unhappy if your DS did something on his own? I think it is a bit much expecting the two children to play together solidly, how much time did he spend playing on his laptop? As your other DS played with him, I don't see that there was a problem unless the visting DS looked unhappy. If so, she should be saying thank you for having him for a whole weekend. If she had any concerns, to ask in a discrete way, e.g. thank you blah blah, DS said that he was blah blah blah etc rather than coming out with an accusuation at the start.

Next time she asks you to look after her DS just say "Sorry I can't force my DS to play with your DS all weekend, so no."

She is being an idiot.

How ungrateful of her and to phone up and moan........the bloody cheek after you did her a favour.

Kids don't always want to be around others and like their own space, my ds2 is just like that.

Don't offer again.

But that is a bit passive aggressive cos she won't know why I am saying no.
The thing is the judging. Her DS has horrible table manners but I have never called her up and said anything as I assume she is trying her best to raise nice children as am I and where will it end if we start judging minor errors and making a big fuss like this.

I just don't believe her DS was VERY unhappy. He seemed to be having a ball and my kids are great at sharing stuff so anything he wanted to use was given to him. Even my oldest DS's brand new XBox game.

Then do so.

I have a pal who has a six year old son. My eldest son is 11. My son used to play with hers quite happily when he was 7 or so, and still quite engaged in little tot games, but nowadays he has moved on and isn't much interested in my friend's wee boy.
We all went to a festival in a big group this summer past, and my friend had a go at me because my son was 'ignoring' hers and 'leaving him out'.
He wasn't particularly...he just preferred the company of the other two 11 yr olds with us. He was still perfectly nice to friend's son though.
There were three other five and six year olds for her lad to play with, but he wanted to hang out with ds1.
I was supposed to make him apparently...because my son made her son feel terrible. She told my son that he was making hers feel bad, and tried to make him feel obliged to entertain him.

I just calmly reasoned with her about it, but she wasn't happy. How I never told her to fuck off I'll never know. Head up her arse.

If he'd come round for an hour, I'd agree with her.

but the whole weekend? Were you all expected to spend the entire time entertaining him?

I think you should tell her that when you look after someone for a whole weekend, it is unreasonable to expect that they will be the centre of attention for that whole time and actually, there's nothing wrong with your son taking a bit of time out to do something by himself and there were other people around for her son to talk to for those few minutes.

Is he an only child? My friend's wee boy is.
I don't for one second run with the idea that all only children are spoiled and indulged, but some are.

She is very rude.
You had her child for a whole weekend and she expected your children to "babysit" him the whole time.
I would have told her instead of buggering off for weekends and dumping her child on people to stay home and be a bloody parent!

I would say no next time she asked too. If she asked why, I'd just say that it doesn't sound like her DS had a good time last time he came, so it would be unfair to make him stay over again.

I was wondering if he was an only child, like pictish I don't think that they are spoilt etc, just that when you have more than one, family dynamics are different and children are on their own playing at times. I see that as perfectly normal, your DS did too.

Thanks for the support MNetters
I was just kind of checking in to see if I am being too sensitive.

She has said in the past that my DS is her son's 'best friend' but as they seldom see each other I am always a bit dubious about whether her DS actually does think that.

I wish I had told her to wind her neck in pictish

I know her son had been super excited to come and spend the weekend and if it didn't live up to his expectations then I kind of think my friend should have kept this to herself and just not ask me again.

He has stayed with us a lot over the years as she and her DP go away quite a lot. I don't ask her to have mine as my oldest DS wouldn't want to go to her house for any length of time, so it is never a favour she would be asked to reciprocate.

I dislike myself for apologising to her. i think that is actually what I'm upset about.

Could he be using it to stop mummy going away again?
Not saying he's like that, but just a thought

cantbelieve I suppose that is a possibility but I do see him as a very independent child and really and truly seemed to have a great time. That's why it took me by surprise and she managed to extract an unwarranted apology.

Don't dislike yourself for apologising.

She put you on the spot and you felt it was needed or else it would cause a row.

You acted maturely and kindly.

She, however, is a stupid, ungrateful arse.

OP, I know it is annoying, she caught you unawares before you had chance to think about it. Your choice is to call her back and explain your feelings but I think the moment has probably passed. Chalk it up to experience and if she does ask again, say no and explain why.

I have just spoken to my DH and told him about her call. (I didn't call him especially, he just happened to phone now)

He agrees that her son seemed very happy and said to me that 'no good deed goes unpunished'
cynical man!

I know OP - you must be half tempted to say "Actually, I'm not sorry - this is not Planet Yourson - we're not the Yourson redcoats! If he's staying with us, he has to fit around the family, and there is nothing wrong in my kid wanting an hour to himself over the course of a whole weekend - don't be so precious!"

I did tell my friend she was being precious, but she was being a total dick about it. Haven't heard from her since. FFS.

zzzzz Ha -ha , I do tend to do a bit of soul-festering.
I think blueberry is on the money, I am chalking it up to experience and she can find someone else when she and her DP go away for New Year's eve.
She hasn't asked me yet, but if she does then I am going to say what Angelone advised.
Phew, okay, thank you, I feel purged.

If someone offered to have my DS for a weekend so I could go away, I would be weeping with gratitude.

It sounds like she's using you as regular unpaid childcare. What does she do to reciprocate?

She doesn't really have time to reciprocate as she runs her own business, and i don't need her help. But she is a good pre-kids friend and I don't want to risk the friendship over me getting in a snitty-fit.

You have been incredibly generous to your friend and her DS. I would not let her guilt trip you into apologising for your blameless son. I would call her back, rescind your apology and point out that your son is only 11 and not her babysitter.

Oh this is so reminiscent of a situation I had with a former friend.Yes former.The only time in my life I have ever parted with a friend on bad terms,and I beat myself up about it for ages.Now with hindsight and the wisdom of many years passing I see I had nothing to reproach myself for.My 'friend' was very judgemental in lots of ways and her daughter a little diva.My three children all played with her when she came for the day or came to stay, even though she was the same age and in the same class as my youngest.But if something didn't go her way say in a game or activity she would invariably go home with a grumble ,and several days later I would get a barbed comment.
Yet when my DCs went there,which wasn't that often at that time as I was a SAHM and she worked( I was very useful) her daughter would often flounce off in a mood and leave my DCs and especially my quieter youngest to their own devices.
I bit my tongue for ages,believing to an extent children should learn to sort out their own disagreements.
But after several years,and no real improvement in her attitude,plus some very scathing and insensitive comments about my eldests puppy fat as she went through puberty I finally told her I had had enough of her judgemental, snooty comments.Oops!Needless to say our friendship ended and was never resumed.