oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

[desparatelyseekingsomething]

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

[foolonthehill]

careful with pming nickname..an alert shows in the main registered email account, best to check it is private and secure before using pm

[NicknameTaken]

Shit, thanks for the warning. Sorry OP, I sent you a pm so please note fool's point re email.

[Lougle]

To be crystal clear, when the car accident happened with the clutch occured, what exactly happened?

When my Dad hit my Mum with the car (a real accident, promise) the car jolted forward and there was sudden acceleration, because Dad's foot had quite literally slipped from the clutch to the accelerator.

As soon as the car stopped, Dad jumped out of the car, sobbing, checking Mum was ok, absolutely devestated.

It sounds like your DH said 'oops'.

[Lavenderhoney]

Are you ok, op?

[TotesFeckingAmaze]

He sounds like a psychopath. Get out NOW.

[Seabright]

OP - trust your instinct. You feel this is wrong, so it's wrong. You may not feel you can leave today, but you know that the day is coming. And you'll find yourself again

[forgetmenots]

Hope you are ok OP... I really hate it when the posters on threads like this don't come back, not because I'm nosey but I worry and so do many others.

[3littlefrogs]

Everything you have said screams psychopath. I rarely post on these threads, but what you describe is really chilling.

When I was a student nurse doing my psychiatric secondment, the consultant brought in 3 patients to talk to us. The first two were suffering from very obvious signs of illness. The third was a very charming, attractive well spoken young man. We (a group of naive 19 year olds) were impressed and charmed by him. We were puzzled by his inclusion in the group.

We later learned that he was a particularly dangerous psychopath. The consultant explained that this was the most important thing to learn. Appearances can be deceptive. I have never forgotten it.

Please get away from this man. He is not capable of real care and concern for anybody.

[SirBoobAlot]

Really concerned that we haven't heard from the OP for a few days now.

OP I do hope that you and your children are safe and are far away from that bastard.x

[foolonthehill]

me too.

[amillionyears]

Dont forget that if posters become worried as well, the oh is doing more damage.
Sometimes ops dont come back. But sometimes someone may have pmed them for example. Or their phone/computer isnt working properly for a few days. Or they are busy. Or or.

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

Dear God, he'll kill her, won't he? :(

[Lougle]

I don't think we can assume that the OP has come to harm, or will necessarily come to harm, just because she hasn't posted for 3 days.

[JuliaScurr]

It's Sunday - where is OP???

[forgetmenots]

You're right of course Lougle, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees terrible stories on the news and wonders if they are MN posters who never came back (there was one about six months ago in particular). I hope she feels she can come back and that she will get support here.

OP, we hope you are okay and happy if you're still reading.

[amillionyears]

Posters do not have to post back again.
I often post on the MH board, and several do not post back again.

And if they do, they often say that they have been busy, or a bit regret posting in the first place, or have decided what to do, or maybe dont think they need the help anymore. Any number of reasons actually.

This op seems to be very sensible. She has been planning things for 2 years. Yes, something may have happened to her, but chances are they havent.
If we all get worried everytime a poster did not return, we then wont be able to help the next person that could do with our assistance.

[forgetmenots]

Fair play amillionyears, there's no pressure on her to post back or anything.
(Certainly not from me). FWIW I don't think anything will have happened to her.

But it's part of the empathy shown on these boards to show concern for people, and when behaviour sounds particularly alarming I think it's only natural to wonder if all is well, perhaps not to fear the worst but to just check in and let the OP know that people are concerned about her.

I don't want this to get off topic in case that puts the OP off replying, and would hope she would feel able to do so whenever she is ready or has time. Wouldn't want any concern (however well meaning or misguided) be a barrier to that.

[JustFabulous]

I hope she can't post because she is out.

[CalamityKate]

For heavens sake - and I say this in the nicest possible way - wake up.

Nobody, either boyfriends, parents, friends, partners, taxi drivers and other sundry lift givers, has ever bumped me with a car. I don't know anyone who's ever been bumped by the car of someone they know.

But you've been bumped TWICE - by the same person. Who also happens to have admitted he wants to hurt you?!

Be logical.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

No, I don't know anyone who has been bumped by accident with a car either. He used the car as a weapon against you.

And like 3Littlefrogs I have done a psychiatric placement, in fact I have just finished it. I agree that this man sounds like a psychopath.

You should leave immediately. If you can't do this, write a letter or an email detailing all these small incidents. If he runs you over in the future it will be understood that it was deliberate and your children won't end up being raised by a psychopath.

I would be inclined to seek legal advice about a restraining order and seeking full custody or at least supervised access as well.

[AndrewMyrrh]

If she is still reading, I would be reiterating Imperial's advice to make sure these low level incidents are logged with someone - perhaps a solicitor, or Woman's Aid.

I think he is grooming you - checking out what your reactions are to these 'accidents' (my arse) with the car. Telling you specifically that he wants to harm you. How exactly does he want to do that? Did he say? He is gauging your reaction, and will escalate.

It is chilling to read that your DC say things like 'why do you make Daddy cross?' I don't like the dynamic of it being a macho household where you are (literally) the whipping boy. I would be inclined to tell them that grown ups are responsible for their own emotions and reactions, and proper grown ups don't blame other people.

I hope you get things sorted.

[AndrewMyrrh]

foolonthehill, I think I may remember you? Was your posting name then related to glass containers?

[cumfy]

Get out now.

From a slightly different angle, I also wonder what his account of you to others is.
Is he making out nothing's wrong or has he been trying to query your mental state ?
Have other people been treating you in a slightly odd or disregarding manner ?
Trying to imply you were mentally unstable to others would be part of a strategy to gaslight you and create a self-fulfilling prophecy by destabilising you.


All the signs are that he is an intelligent psychopath who is trying to manipulate you into leaving him because he is having an affair.
But when you do it will all be made to look like your fault.

[ladyWordy]

3littlefrogs, what an experience that must have been. I wish such knowledge was more widespread.

I hope the OP is OK: though it's not so unusual for a distressed MNer to be away for a time. But if you're reading OP, please make a move with some urgency.

A lady in my region was recently brutally attacked by her husband. I expect she thought she was safe, or had plenty of time.

Her children are now stuck with social services as their only parents, since she did not survive the attack.

[YouSeveredHead]

Op - safeguarding in schools is about the children, lots of places that have safe guarding polices are about the children. It's because they have a duty of care to the child and basically adults have to make their own decision. That doesn't mean they wouldn't be supportive of situations. And please remember schools do not have the power to take anyone's kids away.

You need to talk to someone in rl. No one will think this is ok. You will be believed.