Fooled again - is it me??

[fooledagaincantbelieveit]

OK Ladies & Gents - I think I know the answer here, but need you to shout some sense into me!!

I split up with my husband in March, under really traumatic circumstances and have started to rebuild my life with my two DC (no contact with ExH). I was contacted through social media by an old flame in the summer, who lives abroad and had no contact for years. He didn't know any of what had gone on in my life and slowly but surely we started talking and emailing. After a few weeks I confided in him about what had gone on with exH and he was a huge support. He had been there all the time and a couple of weeks ago, he came over to see me. Needless to say, old passions were reignited and we spent an AMAZING weekend together. There was no talk of longterm plans, we just enjoyed to moment and I was delighted to be able to feel attracted to and attractive to someone else. There was nothing about him that suggested the feeling wasn't mutual, in fact in out conversations before his arrival he told me how he'd always thought about me and what an impression I had left on his life all those years ago. He isn't married but has a child with someone, who is now with another man. I have spoken with his child on skype so know that's all true.

So far so good? Well here's the thing. He's just disappeared! He emailed me a few times after his return and we spoke on Friday. But since then NOTHING. I have sent him a couple of messages by email and had no answers. It's so unexpected (or is it???!) I honestly didn't think it would hit me like this, but I just want to keep crying (BTW I'm 40 - so worldy wise etc.). How could I have been so easily fooled? What did I do wrong? WHY WHY WHY?? It wasn't like I'd just met him and slept with him (which I could never do). We were together for 15 months when we went out the first time, and had spent over 4 months getting to know each other again. Can't believe I've been fooled again...am I total gullible fool?!! Help me please!!

You're not a fool OP, you just wanted this to be a beginning of something again and he obviously didn't.

Poor you. Of course, there is the possibility that he isn't ignoring you but life has simply got in the way but, working on the assumption that he has deliberately stopped contact, don't feel foolish: he obviously worked very hard to make you feel that he was interested in more than a fling. There may be people who come along and say that he doesn't owe you a relationship (and I agree that as nothing was said, he doesn't) but after making a play for you when you were feeling insecure and vulnerable, he does owe you an explanation for his radio silence.

Being "fooled" has very little to do with you and everything to do with him. Don't get hung up about it.

Remember OP, he was an EX in the first place wasn't he.

An ex is an ex for a reason.

Thanks ladies - I've been feeling like a stupid 17 year old the last few days. Questioning my judgement, just wanting to cry from feeling embarrassed etc! But I honestly thought he was a decent guy (are there actually any of them around anywhere???!!!). x

Move on, you had a lovely time and you will again with Someone new in the future.

Hmmmm I can't help but feel you haven't been fooled.

Was he still living abroad when he came to visit? Going to another country for the weekend doesn't say "booty call" to me.

Maybe something legitimate has happened which means he cannot contact you.

Hi Naysa

Yes he does live abroad and we had planned the trip for weeks. That's why I'm so puzzled/upset (he paid for the room/flight etc) - and we stayed up talking for ages and ages - exchanging lots of personal stuff that you just wouldn't do with anyone if you were just after a quick s**g. I'm a bit worried something has happened too - but how will I find out?? I just can't square it in my head

If You don't want to ring him or send any more texts, call his work and ask to speak to him (if he works in a job where that is possible). If they say he isn't there, your worries may be justified. If he is, put the phone down...

I can only imagine that he is one of the (luckily) miinority of men who gets his kicks making women fall for him and then running off. It could be a power thing. What was he like when you first went out with him? Is there any chance a mutual friend could have told him that you had split up with your husband and he smelled an opportunity?

OP you need to move on. You may NEVER get an answer to any of your questions and in the meantime you are needed by others.

You may hear from him again and you may not, but your life goes on either way.

How did you split previously OP?

This is what I think OP.

There may be several reasons why this man did this disappearing act. e.g. 1. Felt suddenly frightened of the emotional intensity (that he helped to create !)and felt he had to run away. 2. Was led by his trousers and immature romanticism to pursue you and then realised it was not what he wanted. 3. Really manipulated you, player-like And so on....

On one level you may never know, but I think all these kinds of scenarios, and others are possible. Most of them point to emotional immaturity, even if some of it may be also exploitative by him, whether consciously or unconsciously, especially given that you are feeling quite vulnerable .

So, on one level, I agree with whoever said - move on fast - its not about you, its about him. However, i do recognise that you may be feeling pretty roughed-up by it. He kind of devoured you sexually, you shared this and really personal things, and then he spat you out kind-of-feeling? Really horrible and .

I think there is no ultimate protection around this as there is always a risk in starting new relationships. However, I think one can learn to protect oneself also e.g.

Get to know someone as reasonably well as possible before over-trusting.
Taking things slow.

Being real and honest with oneself about the qualities and weaknesses of the other person.
Not overly romantisising them or ignoring red flags.
Listening to gut instincts.

Not allowing oneself to be swayed by romantic fantasy and sexual intoxication.

Being honest with oneself about one's own value and strengths and what one really wants, as well as one's own vulnerabilities.

Even doing all the above, you cannot fully protect yourself - but you can protect yourself from the worst self-deluding fools and damaged men. And I think it helps you to stay more in rightful control of what is happening in your own life, rather than giving it over to the "man".

It is him, not you. But did you have some illusions about this man that were not supported by the reality of what you knew about him e.g. from your past?
Forget about him yes and move on, count yourself lucky he lives in another country .

p.s. I really thought about this OP, it helped me clarify my understanding with some of my own bad and sad experiences ironically, so thank you.

Hi Janelikesjam - thank you for your really thoughtful reply. Everything you said is right! I guess I was lead on by the romance & eroticism of it all (and the sex was amazing!!), and just couldn't bear to be 'devoured and spat out' - especially when I'm 40 and should know better!!! I am glad he's so far away - otherwise I would be fighting with myself not to give in again (which, incidentally I WON'T be doing for a LONG time!). At least that decision has been taken away from me. And I'm glad my story has helped you too. One is never alone... Take Care xxx

It sounds like you had a really lovely and memorable weekend. If he's a 'player' he'll be bigged up if you keep sending emails that he can ignore, so dignified silence from now on is the way forward I feel. And if there is some reason why he can't email (connections can be flaky in hotels etc) then he'll be back in touch when he can, full of apologies, and (listen up) it won't matter if your emails didn't reach him, because he'll want to pursue it anyway. A saying I like is 'don't extend your hand further than you can pull it back' - put the memory firmly in a box labelled 'lovely weekend I had with old flame' and tie it up with red ribbon! And you'll know better if he comes sniffing around again after a long silence...