pregnant - partner being very distant

[parisfernandez]

T Hi

Im 9 weeks pregnant with my second child. I have a 3 and a half year old dd from a previous relationship (her father died before she was born). I met my current partner 2 and a half years ago and things haven't been that great at all. He has cheated a lot and I am a mug and have forgiven him every time. I can't trust him at all. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago. I'm having a terrible time with morning sickness and tiredness at the moment. He doesn't understand and just tells me it's ridiculous that I'm being sick and I need to stop it. I can't make him understand that it's just a normal sign of pregnancy. Our sex life has never been that great, 2 or 3 times a month and he has to be drunk before he comes near me which does nothing for my self esteem. Ever since I told him I was pregnant, he hasn't even kissed me or even cuddled me. I go to cuddle him in bed and get no response at all even when he's had a drink. He pushed me away this morning and it hurt. He was really happy when I first told him and couldn't wait to tell everyone even though I told him to keep it quiet for the next few weeks. His happiness lasted a day or two and now we hardly speak. When we do speak we argue and he leaves the house at 7am for work and doesn't return sometimes until midnight. I have no idea where he has been or who he has been with and when I ask him he just says he was at a mates house or the pub. This makes me think he's cheating again. It may just be my hormones but im crying a lot recently and the smallest bit of rejection is hurting like hell.

Has anyone else had similar reactions from a partner when you have told him you're pregnant? I don't think this is normal and i dont know where to take it from here. The idea of talking to him about how I'm feeling is filling me with dread I hate telling him how I feel because I just feel stupid. He will sit and deny being distant and just make out that it's all in my head.

Last night we had a row 5 minutes after he got home because I had forgotten stuff at the supermarket. He said he was tired and I told him that if he's tired now hes going to have a shock when the baby is here. He looked at me in disgust and said that he would obviously be sleeping in another room when the baby is here because he needs his sleep.

Is there any point in even trying? I know deep down that I'm going to be a single mum but there is a small part of me that wants to try and settle into a family in just scared to get my hopes up. He is a lot older than me - im 24 and he is 36.

He is great with my dd when he is around but she hardly sees him because she is asleep when he leaves and comes home.

Sorry this has been so long thank you for readingx

I think he is cheating again, sorry.

He knows he will get away with it - after all you took him back each time he cheated in the past.

Run. Seriously, get out now.

He is not your partner.

Your home is a hotel for him to come and goes as he pleases, answering to no one with the odd bit of sex (when he probably hasn't got it elsewhere) thrown in.

He has told you that once the baby is born it is your responsibility. Believe him. His life is not going to change. Yours is.

Please work on yourself and your self esteem to see that you are worth so much more than this!

I hope you have had a complete STI check to make sure you and your unborn baby are safe.

Please please please leave this idiot and don't look back.

He will bring nothing into your life but hurt, lies and broken promises and he has all the hallmarks of potentially being abusive too x

parisfernandez Sweetheart, what you need to do, is when hes at work, pack his stuff leave it on the door step, make sure he cant get in when he comes home,

He wont ever change, and even if you still you'll still be a single parent, get out now.

Please leave him now, concentrate on your dcs and ffs get to know yourself, boundaries and what being in a relationship means before getting involved with another man.

There is really no point trying to have a relationship with this man. What you have is not even a relationship. You should end it now before the baby complicates matters.

FFS throw him out now and start looking after yourself. Do you have friends or family nearby? If not, try to find some - MN is good for finding local mums, check out toddler groups etc.
And see your GP about getting yourself some counselling. Ibet that you have either had abusive partners in the past,or grew up with a bully or a predator in the family. Somehow you've got fixed on the idea that you need a man, that any man is better than none, and that it's a woman's job to submit and obey. This is bullshit. It's better to be single than put up with crap like this, but if you don't get some help you will go from one shitbag to the next.

I agree with all of the above and really hate to be brutal, but you are 9 weeks pregnant. You are 24. Are you sure you want to be tied to this loser for the next 18 years in terms of trying to force him to co-parent?
Are you sure you want to be a single parent??
What I'm getting at in the nicest possible way, is have you considered a termination? Harsh. Awful to mention. But genuinely I am thinking of you at 24 with 2 children on your own. Sorry you are in this position.

Hi OP,

I have been reading Mumsnet's forums for a long time without posting, but I felt I had to register to reply to your thread. Your situation reminded me of mine a few years back.

I had been with my DP for 5 years and got pregnant when I was 22, it was unplanned. I was scared but I felt I could take good care of a baby, even though it meant I wouldn't put myself in an easy situation to find a job since I was just about to finish my studies. The real problem was DP's attitude. He said he would "accept" my decision, and that he would "be ready to marry me to save face", but almost immediately he was very distant and dismissive, warning me that he would be jealous of the baby and that I would have to be very careful not to neglect him... And that all the baby duties would of course fall on me.

We were very young when we met, and he had often been emotionally abusive and unfaithful, maybe because he was immature, or because he felt I was unlikely to leave as I was deeply in love. In any case, my parents were mortified when they found out I was pregnant and pressured me into having an abortion.

I did terminate the pregnancy, and a few months later I ended the relationship, not without sobs though. I still want children, and I feel I would be a caring and loving mother. But not with this man. Deep down I realised things weren't right and having a child with him would have tied me to him forever. A few years down the line I am much happier, and sometimes I cannot believe how I let him treat me so badly for years.

I hope my message will not hurt you in anyway, I am not saying that terminations are great or anything like that, I just mean that you do not have to keep this man forever in your life if you feel that's not right.

Best of luck to you, and sorry for my very long post.

He's 36 !!??? He's acting worse than a 15 year old.

Get rid of him. Without hesitation.

What are you waiting for? At the moment he's just being abusive and draining towards you. You will cope far better with two children alone than in this mess of a relationship.

He's not "distant", he's a complete and utter cunt get out before your children learn that this is an acceptable way to behave!

I don't actually understand why you are relating his "distant" behaviour to your pregnancy

he sounds like a cunt all the time, and it's best you end the relationship before your baby comes and not drag this purgatory out any longer

Reading your post, all I could think was WHY? Why are you with him?

What on earth is in this for you? He sounds absolutely vile.

From what you have said about dreading trying to talk to him, I would say don't bother - you already know that's not going to help as he will minimise everything you say. Just tell him it's over and then you can get on with your pregnancy and life in peace.

You had a row over you forgetting to get something from the supermarket, ffs. Shouldn't he be phoning you, his pregnant partner, on his way home to see if there's anything you want him to pick up on the way home?

You are so young. Don't saddle yourself with this poor excuse for a man.

Get rid and be free.

Reading your post, all I could think was WHY? Why are you with him?

What on earth is in this for you? He sounds absolutely vile.

From what you have said about dreading trying to talk to him, I would say don't bother - you already know that's not going to help as he will minimise everything you say. Just tell him it's over and then you can get on with your pregnancy and life in peace.

You had a row over you forgetting to get something from the supermarket, ffs. Shouldn't he be phoning you, his pregnant partner, on his way home to see if there's anything you want him to pick up on the way home?

You are so young. Don't saddle yourself with this poor excuse for a man.

Get rid and be free.

oops, sorry, don't know what happened there

I can only imagine how frightened you must be OP. You're in a very scary situation but I really think that you should get out while the going is (relatively) good. If he's like this now what will he be like when your baby is crying in the night and you are frazzled?

At least if you leave now you have some time to think about whether you are ready for a 2nd DC and prepare for what lies ahead either way. There is no need to panic, you do have choices.

I agree with all of the above, you need to talk to someone about what to do next. Are you close with your parents? If not, there are plenty of other options - your gp, counselling etc.

Please don't stay with him because you think you should. You shouldn't! You should be with someone who wakes up in a daze every morning because they can't believe they get to be with you!

Sending hugs your way x

Oh my god. I'm so sorry I have to echo what other posters say about him using your house as a hotel. It sounds as though he is cheating yes, but at this stage does it really matter?

He clearly has no intention of being supportive to you and has already made it clear he is not going to help with the baby. You will be a single mother whether he is sleeping in your house or not.

Based on his current behaviour and what he has said about sleeping in another room he is planning to keep on exactly how he is now, and it's hard enough coping with a new baby without a toxic nasty influence like this draining you even further.

He really doesn't sound very nice at all. I assume there are some nice bits (for which read: times when he isn't behaving like a total and utter selfish bastard) otherwise you'd never have been with him in the first place, but really, there is no way he could make up for the horrible bits, because someone who loves you just wouldn't be thinking like that. He's not a partner, he's a user. Partnerships do not look like this.

Run away, run away, and take your little girl with you, before she learns that this is what daddies are like, and grows up to date another of the same.

Hi everyone

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I have made the desicion to leave him. The decision was already half made and i am starting to make plans to move out. I haven't told him yet as he never came home last night and I have no idea where he is. I understand why a lot of people think a termination is a good idea but personally its something I could never do. I don't agree with it no matter what the circumstances are so i will have 2 dcs soon. I am really looking forward to having another child, I will cope fine. I have a good job and I am financially stable so i will be fine on my own. I'm very close to my family and friends and needless to say they can't stand my partner so i knew if i talked to them it would be very biased advice. Everyone on here has given me the same advice though so I need to pull myself together and get my life on track. He is never going to change there is no point in me even trying and if it means I'm on my own for the rest of my life then so be it. I've been bullied all my life and any attention I get from men amazes me so I suppose that's why I've ended up with scum every time. I'm not very attractive and have no idea how I have managed to even have a relationship. I have no self esteem or confidence and thats something I need help with. As soon as i can I will get some counselling and rebuild myself so I don't end up with a loser again.

I feel positive about the future now and I am completely prepared for what's ahead. It's going to hurt because there has been good times and there is good in our relationship, but recently its just been bad and I don't want my kids growing up thinking that it's ok to treat women in this way. He does nothing to help me.

Thank you so much for your advice.

I think you are making a good decision. You sound absolutely lovely and this stupid man will probably never properly acknowledge what he has thrown away.

That is his problem though, now you need to concentrate on yourself and your babies x

Congratulations, both on your pregnancy and on making such a difficult decision. You sound incredibly strong and switched-on, definitely get yourself some counselling and rebuild that shattered self-esteem

Good for you, and best of luck. But don't neglect the counselling just because you've rid yourself of this arsehole: you mention having been bullied all your life and considering yourself unattractive and therefore obliged to be grateful for men's attention. You've taken a big leap in acknowledging this, but it will be helpful to 'unlearn' your negative attitudes, otherwise there is a risk of lapsing, either when the current shitbag finds himself without a woman to stroke his ego and wash his shitty pants, or when another one shows up - unfortunately these selfish, woman-hating men have a radar when it comes to finding a woman who is unhappy and/or vulnerable to their malice.

Very good decision Paris, congrats.

Your life and happiness are about to take an upturn. Enjoy your freedom from this fool.

Good for you, Paris - your future is bright without this loser.

All the very best - let us know how you get on