Hi Brenboo - I think I understand where you're coming from. knowing where you stand financially in a relationship is very important, and the clearer it is the better, it's a good base. There is nothing wrong with clarity around finances. Once you agree where you are you can concentrate on other things. Each relationship will have a different arrangement. You need to find the one that suits both of you.
As an example, this is my situation: my partner moved in with me almost 3 years ago, in the flat that I owned and I decided that because it was my property, I would not ask him to pay for the mortgage. He was divorced when we moved in together and his financial situation was not the best at all. Of course, I love him for all that he is and obviously not his money. He had quite some debts coming out of his divorce, plus even though he had to give up his ownership in the house that he owned with his ex, she has not released him from the mortgage, and the mortgage company doesn't want to either (long story, he was the main earner, she worked only some hours but demonstrated that with the benefits etc, she was able to keep up the repayments. She had a new partner moving in almost straight away and he is probably contributing. My partner doesn't pay any of the mortgage since the divorce). I am currently earning more that my partner. It was very difficult at first to talk finances together, but eventually, we did. This was important for me, because like you it was bugging me a bit as to where we stood. I also worked very hard over the years to secure a property and reach a certain level of financial independance that I want to preserve for myself.
Anyway, I am now pregnant with our first child and we moved to another property with an extra bedroom, which I have bought in my sole name with my own savings as a deposit. His financial situation did not allow him to put in any deposit towards it. However, our financial arrangements are:
Me: mortgage payments
Him: all the bills, all the shopping, he pays 9 times out of 10 when we go out eating, to the cinema etc, we only have one car, and he pays for all the things related to the car (even the insurance where my name features).
He has been forgetfull about bills and certain payments in the past, but I realise knowing him better now that it's just the way he is, and he was not being malicious, just not as organised as I am financially.
We tried the direct debit option with a payment to my account, but that meant him being more organised :) and didn't really work for us. At the end, what worked is that he took responsibility for the bills ie calling the companies and organising paying from his own account. We do try to have a 'financial meeting' every so often to discuss our financial targets (like saving for the summer holiday, xmas expenses, pensions for our future etc.).
It's not the easiest of subjects in a relationship, but it's essential to talk about finances. I don't believe in contributing 50/50 unless both parties are on the same level financially. I think it's about contributing proportionally, with what each party can.
Our next step are wills.... as we are having a child together, if anything was to happen to me, I would like that he would be able to stay in the property with our child. Also, he has children from his previous relationship and we need to balance everything.
I believe we are together for the long term, and because we are not married yet, we have already sorted out certain things for the events of one's death, for example, we are beneficiary on each other's pensions and work life insurance.
My personal advice: get him to sit down to express what you are comfortable/uncomfortable with. Ask him how he sees your financial arrangements now and going forward. And see how you can build a base from which to operate (for bills payments, for your holidays together etc.).
Good luck, and don't worry, you're not the first one who had those thoughts and wondered. Time will also tell quickly.
Wishing you the best.