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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

heartbroken

14 replies

aven · 03/12/2012 20:16

Hi.
Just looking for some advice. My dp and I split 5 weeks ago. We have 2 dc 14 and 6. I did not want the break up and have tried so hard to mend things with him but he says he doesn't love me anymore. I am trying very hard to accept this. I have just been told by him the 3 days after moving out he applied for a working visa in Australia. I am devastated. Not just for me but my poor dcs have been through so much the last few weeks and now they will be faced with the prospect of their father leaving the country for a year at least maybe more. I just can't understand how he can walk out of their lives like this. He keeps saying it's for money but how can any amount of money make up for leaving two beautiful children. I just can't seem to shake the hurt and anger at how flippant he is about this, like it's nit big deal. Please give me some words of comfort or advice on how to cope with this hurt and anger. I feel abandoned and so angry and upset for my dc at what they are going to have to deal with. I have begged and pleaded for him to please remain a presence in their lives but he seems switched off. Like he is already there in his head.

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 03/12/2012 20:23

I am sorry for you as I know this is going to be hard. Not only do you have your own grief at the loss of him to deal with but you are going to have to support your children too.
My exH left to live in USA with OW when kids were 7 and 15yrs old.They used to go and see him for shared vacations and it was so hard to put them on a plane to their father and new wife. but I felt they needed to keep some kind of relationship with him so they wouldnt blame me for blocking them.
Try to be kind to yourself,accept all offers of help from friends and family.
This is going to be hard but you will get through it.
Who knows how they can just walk away ? Dont even try to understand it.Too much wasted negative energy.

Pollykitten · 03/12/2012 20:25

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. There are far better more experienced MNers than I am, who I'm sure will be able to advise - just didn't want to read and run. You obviously can't change his mind by doing the same things that you know don't work. Could I urge you to find someone professional to talk to - you have lots to think through and probably have a big burden to unload too. Wishing you courage and I am sure your DCs realise what a great mum they have.

CabbageLeaves · 03/12/2012 20:30

I think your feelings of hurt and anger are entirely appropriate. I suspect your DC will share them and there is no harm in all of you recognising that.

This happened to my mum. She doesn't really talk about it. I wonder but don't ask.

Just know that you will be a fantastic mum. You will draw closer together with your DC. Make sure he leaves you financially ok if at all possible

Original poster
aven · 03/12/2012 20:47

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am just so devastated right now and am finding it so hard to even get through the day. I went to do the Christmas shopping the other day and left the shop in floods of tears as it just brought home to me that I am going to be totally alone going forward and I know my dcs will be so hurt by this. He promised the youngest she could see him whenever she wants and now that promise will be broken but it will be me left to deal with all that hurt. I am so terrified for our futures.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 03/12/2012 20:52

Your dp may think it is too painful for him to see the dc, and thinks a clean break would make it easier for him. No excuse, I know. And it is a bit of an educated guess on my part, from what I have gleaned about such things.
You could try posting on dadsnet as well as here. They may be able to give you a few more clues.

doughnut44 · 03/12/2012 21:17

sod him - selfish basket. You and your DC are better off without someone who puts themselves above the most important people ever.
I grew up with a father who wasn't interested in me and I wish he would have left sooner. Mum remarried when I was 17 and my step dad has been more of a dad to me than biological has been or ever will be.
Just love your kids to the best of your capability and celebrate the fact that the 3 of you will be moving onwards and upwards Xmas Smile

myroomisatip · 03/12/2012 22:03

ahhh I have no words of wisdom. I wish I did!

It is shit! All I can say is when you are going through hell just keep going!

I have been watching for the 'light at the end of the tunnel' for so long! For years! But I got there.

It will get better (hugs)

Charbon · 03/12/2012 23:27

My guess is that there is a connection between a sudden urge to work in Australia and a woman who will be living there at the same time.

It's appalling that a parent feels entitled to put so much distance from his own children and this means that all of their care and wellbeing will be your responsibility and not shared between you as it should be. At the very least though, get some legal advice so that although he can deny them his presence, he is not allowed to deny them child support.

Losing a relationship is hard, especially if there is a sudden ending. Do you have plenty of real-life supporters who can help you through the grieving period?

Original poster
aven · 04/12/2012 10:11

I have close family who are supporting me. I am concerned for our financial situation as I feel once he leaves the country we will become a distant memory. If he can so easily leave his children I feel he probably won't be worrying about food on the table. It would be so much easier if I could bring myself to hate him but I actually love him so much but I do understand he obviously doesn't feel the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
aven · 04/12/2012 10:12

I have close family who are supporting me. I am concerned for our financial situation as I feel once he leaves the country we will become a distant memory. If he can so easily leave his children I feel he probably won't be worrying about food on the table. It would be so much easier if I could bring myself to hate him but I actually love him so much but I do understand he obviously doesn't feel the same.

OP posts:
Lueji · 04/12/2012 13:34

Yes, and it will be harder to chase him for contributions too...

DIYapprentice · 04/12/2012 14:25

Well if he wants to stop making financial contributions Australia isn't the best choice, as you can apply to the Australian CSA to chase him for money!

child support for children living outside Australia

Original poster
aven · 04/12/2012 19:45

Diyapprentice that's a great link. Thank you so much. I wasn't aware of that at all. At least I may be able to chase him to financially support them if needs be.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 04/12/2012 21:02

What a cold cold man he must be to walk out on 2 small children at this time of their lives. I wish you good luck in chasing him for maintenance.

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