What would you do? (Warning: DV - possible trigger)

[Ibelieveher]

I've name changed to protect the identity of my friend.

DH and I know a couple. We are friends as DH is friends with the man, and therefore I know, and get along with his DP, and although I wouldn't say we are close, she is lovely. We also have young children born just a few months apart and live about 5 miles away. The core of this relationship is DH and the man.

We had a phone call this morning. The man has been arrested for raping his partner. He wanted to give our address as his bail address so he could stay with us until the trial. We said no. I don't want a man who is alleged to have been violent around my 7 month old. Or me, for that matter. And I don't want him to think I support him. DH totally agrees. FWIW there is no doubt in my mind that he did this, although he denies it.

I sent a text to his DP to see how she is, and had a short chat with her. She confirmed it was her who had been raped, and that she hopes he doesn't get bail as she thinks if he does he will try and intimidate her, and she'd have to move out of her house to feel safe. She has her parents and a good set of close girlfriends.

I told her I believed her and said she was strong. I told her if she ever needed anything to get in touch, and to take care.

Should I just leave it there? I totally believe her, but I imagine that, even though she knows that, she associates me with her partner.

WWYD?

I think you did the right thing - you've shown support to her and left the door open in case she needs your help. Leave it at that.

I think you're doing what is right in not allowing her P use your address for bail purposes, and by letting her know you believe her.

There really isn't much more you can do than you've already done. Just be there for her just in case.

I would check in with her offen - just to make sure she's ok. You did the right thing about that bail etc.

SOunds like you've done everything right. Maybe send her a friendly text or email from time to time making it clear you're there if she needs you, but don't bombard her with contact, she might want to retreat into herself for a while.

You couldn't have done anything better, keep checking on her, back her 100%, your DH too, this man is not to be supported.

For her to report him now is showing that this is the very tip of a massive iceberg. It takes a long time to get to this level of abuse.

She will need shed loads of support, it's a long road ahead of her.

Could you tell her to come over to us here on MN so we can support her too?

Well done! You and your H are wonderful, wonderful people!

Thank you all so much.

My instinct seems to chime with what you are all saying - to keep lines of contact open, text once in a while, but not bombard.

Histletoe - your comment "For her to report him now is showing that this is the very tip of a massive iceberg" really struck a chord with me. I really believe this to be true.

The man has a history of aggression, but previously directed towards men. We thought his partner had really helped him mellow, and grow up. We thought he was a changed man as he has - outwardly - turned his life around in the last five years.

I certainly cannot support him, and I won't have him around DS either. DH will make his own mind up, but he believes her too, is heartbroken by what his friend has done, and will do all he can to support his friend's XP.

Directing her towards MN is not a bad idea.

I think you did the right thing. Do not ever let that man back into your lives.

The ONLY chance that abuser has of reforming (and it's sliver thin, think snowball/hell) is if ALL his support is taken away from him, family, friends, relations, work, everyone that poor excuse for a man knows.

only a reaction THAT big will prompt his pin head little brain to consider that, perhaps, his behaviour is a little undesirable.

In a few days, as long as he's kept away from her, she will start to feel better, relax and not be quite do terrified.

There's a brilliant book, Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. It'll help her see that that NONE of this is her fault, she can't control it, or manage it. It's ALL him.

Mumsnet is a vital support system, it'd really help her to chat with those of us that have suffered as she has.

Perhaps your DH ought to read the book too, to understand what kind of 'friend' he has.