Male 'friend' being confusing...

[santaNdeer]

I've been friends with a man at work for about 5 years. He's divorced with a new girlfriend (I think), I'm happily married with a 1yo.

I wrongly thought we had a really nice friendship - close, open and honest, sometimes 'cheeky', perhaps even flirtatious, I suppose sort of like the older brother I never had.

We met up at the end of July for drinks and a meal after work, and had a lovely time (it was my first social occasion since the birth). As we said goodbye he tried to kiss me. I laughed it off and felt I handled it well, I tried really hard not to make him feel bad about it and I don't think he did. The following evening I got a text from him saying I should be stronger and have more willpower (wtf?). I was a bit put out by that and he sent a couple more texts saying we needed to meet up so he could explain as he hated the thought that he had confused me. I said ok great, but every time we arranged something (at least 4 occasions) HE always dropped out at the last minute, so it never happened. Then he stopped contacting me altogether and I was just left in limbo not knowing what was going on. I had a few sleepless nights feeling really rubbish about it, then decided he was a player and not worth it and I made a conscious decision I didn't need this 'friend' in my life (there have been other things he has done which I won't bore you with, but my decision wasn't just based on this one incident iykwim).

Cut to last week when he stumbled into my office at work by accident, not realising I worked in there. I put my head down as I didn't want to deal with him or be openly rude. But he saw me and came over all friendly "oh we must go out for lunch!". I murmured something non-committal but that night he followed it up with a text saying how sorry he was that he hadn't made time for his "best friend" (why he still refers to me as that when I haven't heard from him for months I don't know). I've agreed to meet him for a coffee on Friday.

Should I bother going, or just stick with my original decision? If I do go, how do I play it? He can be a bit 'oblivious' and I do think he won't even realise how he's made me feel this last few months.

I can't see any reason why you would meet up with him - it sounds as if he's going to keep on trying it on with you and you didn't make it clear enough when he tried to kiss you that you weren't interested. I think maybe he's hoping you've forgotten and that he can get round you this time. Why are you bothering?

He knows I'm married and not interested though. And tbh I don't think he's interested in me in 'that' way (he's got a new gf after all, I'm sure he's very loved up). He'd had a couple of drinks and I put it down to that at the time.

I don't think he would try it on again... we're supposedly meeting in the coffee shop at work so he wouldn't get the chance anyway!

I think I'm just after an explanation or closure or something. I don't want to feel I have to hide round a corner every time I see him at work, it's horrible.

Run like the wind. Seriously!!

Well your explanation is that he'd had too much to drink. If you want to be friends then you could meet up and make it clear that's all it is - friends - but you're obviously not his best friend. I'd make it a quick coffee and a chat to clear the air and then go.

Just keep ignoring him- he sounds like a creep.

I wouldn't go! He sounds a bit strange tbh. Could you just text and say you have errands to run for Christmas and see him in the new year?

Do you still want to be friends with him? If so, I'd go.

He might think enough time has elapsed since his faux pas that he won't need to discuss it.

You don't really need him in your life? Sounds like you have a great husband and a cute little baby... Make plans with them and other really good friends. A genuine good friend will never hurt you! Move on...

I reckon he fancies you, made a pass to see if it would get him anywhere. It obviously didn't so he felt embarrassed, he knew he should talk to you about it to clear the air but then didn't want the awkward conversation so cancelled the 4 times and moved on.

Now he's remembered you exist and that he fancies you so wants to initiate contact again in the hope it might lead on to other things. I don't think it matters whether he has a GF or not, he obviously doesn't care about commitment otherwise he would not have tried to kiss you whilst you are married.

Personally I would just make an excuse and not go for a coffee, and then forget all about him.

As you are happily married with a 1yo why has the attention of this man made you feel anything other than indifference, or mild amusement at his immaturity?

You have a perfect right to be at your place of employment and have no need whatsoever to hide when you see him coming. As for seeking 'explanation' from him, why bother? The guy's a twat. End of. Regard him accordingly and take steps to avoid any one-to-one meetings with him.

"why has the attention of this man made you feel anything other than indifference, or mild amusement at his immaturity?"

I suppose because we were close friends before he revealed himself to be (or rather, before I opened my eyes to see that he is) such a bell-* and it's hard to go from having someone as a close friend, to being indifferent to their weird behaviour.

I don't have that many friends so it's a bit of a loss to me, even if it is one that will ultimately make my life better.

Anyway you all make great points - I've decided not to go. I've realised there is nothing he can say that will make me feel better towards him. Even if he says nothing and thinks nothing has changed, that would still make me angry!

So for the sake of my own psyche I'm going to back out of it all. Thank you all.

Oh my God, what an utter arsehole. Emotionally manipulative and just about every other weird attribute I can think of.

Please ignore him completely - he gets joy from seeing you confused. He's a twat.

Some men take any sort of 'friendliness' from a woman as shorthand for 'ooh you're irresistible, lets have sex'

He's a chancer. He took the piss.

Definitely have nothing to do with him and don't feel like you have to be polite to creeps like that! warped creeps tend to take politeness as a come on.

you're married, he's in a relationship... nno point moving heaven and earth to clear things up to be honest. sounds like he re-wrote things in his own head to erase the embarrassment of being rejected. if he kept making arrangents and breaking them he could believe it was you chasing him.

I had a man do something like this once. Really flattering, Oh you look so lovely, you have a wonderful smile, here's my number, can you meet me for a drink after work. (he was in a shop I went in)

I was flattered, and curious, which is just what he was trying to do - and I waited, and he came out and we had a walk round the streets for about half an hour till we bumped into his wife, who started screaming at him on a quiet residential street corner.

I was mortified. Nothing had happened. He was just, such a twat, and according to her he did it all the time. She actually thought I was his mistress, though I'd only just met him.

Total arsehole.

And it's always passive aggression - all that cancelling, and turning things round onto you is designed to make you angry. Believe me if you go any deeper into this you will end up FURIOUS and he will carry on just the same, because it's how these people operate.

They enjoy winding people up. Don't let him.

I had a colleague who got drunk and made a pass at me when I was MUCH younger. AFter I turned him down, again, without making a song and dance of it - thinking of his feelings (fgs) he went and told everybody I was a snooty bitch. He said this in front of 3 other colleagues. ONe of them knew what had happened and listened to him finish and then said "well, i like her!" one of the other colleagues said "yeh, never had a problem dealing iwth her". So my friend said he looked like a bitter ol' muppet for trashing me. silly man. and they say men aren't bitches????

I wouldn't bother trying to restart the friendship tbh. He made a move, got rebuffed then tried to turn it around and blame you. Good for you for handling it the way you did or you could have been bogged down with recriminations you didn't deserve.

Seriously, why go, unless you enjoy playing games with a headfucker?

Just give him the cool brush off and stop thinking about it. I think you fancy him too, tbh, but no shame in it. Just stop being silly now.

Tbh in your first post you said your friendship was "open, honest, cheeky and flirtatious"..

You are just as responsible as him for over stepping the boundaries of a normal platonic friendship.

I don't see why you would entertain the idea of seeing him again, why should his behaviour confuse you? You know what he's after.

Are you confused about your own feelings towards him? As in attraction to him?