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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It's over, what next for our LO?

9 replies

MissDiscombobulated · 03/12/2012 12:25

Our 3 yr relationship has passed the point of no return and OH has started to move his things out. TBH the relationship has lasted longer than it should have done due to our 14mth old being the glue that bound us together.
What happens next though in regard to caring for our LO? I know we have to sort out shared access but I am so frightened for my LO being only 14mths and having to start spending nights somewhere new away from Mummy. What arrangements are considered normal when dealing with one so young? How often and for how long should visits to Daddy be? How did Mums in similiar situations cope with not having their baby around? I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similiar situation. I want the best for my LO which I know means involving Daddy as much as possible but I also want to make sure we are doing the best for her and her emotional well being. Of course I'm gutted too that I'll have periods when she isn't around but I'm trying to put those feelings aside for fear of being self serving in this.

OP posts:
CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 03/12/2012 20:32

I have no idea but didn't want this to sink to the next page with no answers, someone with experience will be along I'm certain.

Lueji · 03/12/2012 20:40

You could try the section on lone parents.

However, other mums may be away from their children for work or even health, for example.
Both of you will adapt, althout it may be hard on you.
I'd suggest you take up something when your DD is not with you, or a least have a plan so that you don't walow her absence.

With time it will be a blessing as you do need time for yourself, and possibly for dating. :)

NatashaBee · 03/12/2012 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissDiscombobulated · 14/12/2012 23:13

Thank you CaliforniaSucksSnowballs, I read some of the other posts and then thought mine is not juicy enough to get much response! Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Lueji, I know you're right as my time at the moment is spent at work 4 days and then with LO for 3 days. We don't have any family nearby to help so there is no me time. I don't mind at the moment as LO is my world but I guess as she becomes troublesome toddler, it'll be nice to get a break and do something for me.
NatashaBee - no she hasn't stayed away before. I will def suggest breaking her in gently to new routine although I'm not sure how this will work in practice as OH and I will be about 45mins drive from each other's homes.

How does this all affect the LO? She is such a happy baby although getting a little bit separation anxiety since about 13 months when I drop her off to nursery. Will it always be tears when leaving one parent for the other? I think this is going to break my heart.

OP posts:
olgaga · 15/12/2012 02:12

It probably will break your heart, but time will pass. You don't mention your situation as to whether you're married or not but you might find some information here which might help you. The essential thing to remember is that children are not possessions to be divided up. Contact has to be in their best interests.

Children that young shouldn't be pushed around from pillar to post. Are you confident that your LO (and OH) will be able to cope? It's a very sad situation and I do feel for you, but time will pass. Just don't do what you think you're "expected" to do in this situation. Do what you think is best.

MissDiscombobulated · 16/12/2012 01:08

Thank you Olgaga. We're not married and OH already has 2 pre-teen children which he sees regularly - he's a good Dad. I guess it will be tough for him if he has all 3 children at the same time. LO adores her older siblings, so I'm sure it's worth nurturing those relationships with that time spent together. I'm thinking of access on these terms - one day each weekend and one evening during the week at his home. Other nights at my home as and if he requests it. Working up to overnight visits once LO gets used to new arrangements. e.g. he picks up LO from nursery one evening each week to stay overnight and drops her to nursery the following morning. I think it's also important that he sees LO in her usual environment so I'm happy to have him here and maybe go to the gym for the evening. What do you think? I'm hoping we can keep things amicable, although I predict our horns will become locked at times. One example being, OH feeds his children fast food at least twice during their weekend visits. I'm a firm believer in decent nutrition for the most part with the occasional treat!

OP posts:
olgaga · 17/12/2012 11:14

Hopefully you can discuss it in a reasonably amicable way. While your daughter is so young it might be better for her to be in her own environment at first, but it is fraught with difficulty if there is tension between you. I would move as swiftly as possible to perhaps him taking her one afternoon a weekend, then move to the whole day. But overnight at 14 months would certainly have been too young for my DD, but they're all different and you'll know when yours is ready.

Are you and your OH very far apart in terms of what you both expect? Does he actually want her overnight at the moment?

I think for an infant, one day every weekend is a pretty good arrangement, and perhaps a visit during the week. The difficulty is you can't plan anything (such as an evening class) unless he is going to be reliable and agrees to a routine. When you are confident she can do overnights you could then think about moving to every other weekend.

Bear in mind too that in a couple of years she will be starting school, which can be pretty exhausting for them initially, but also requires an earlier pick-up and later drop-off. Will your OH be able to do that around his working hours?

My friend, whose ex started out demanding "his rights" etc, finds she has to be available to pick up the slack in terms of childcare just as she did when they were together - two years on from separation. Despite telling her she should go out and get a better paid job (she's a childminder) he makes full use of the fact that she works at home to change arrangements at the drop of a hat, knowing she is always able to step in. He's also found that the OW isn't quite as accommodating as he imagined she would be in terms of childcare - so the initial demands to have the children 50-50 became more subdued as he eventually realised it just couldn't be done.

Don't torture yourself thinking about junk food etc at the moment. It might put your mind at ease if you pack an insulated lunch bag for her perhaps?

MissDiscombobulated · 19/12/2012 00:54

When the split was first muted, he said he wanted to see DD as much as me, ie 50/50 which frightened me to death! I couldn't imagine not being with DD for that amount of time. After giving it lots of thought, I realised that it is exactly the same for OH, not wanting to be without DD. Therefore I suggested lots of access with the overnight stays to make sure he gets to be as much a part of DDs life as me. His initial reaction to this was that I was trying to get rid of DD to have time to get on with my own life (go out meet other people etc)!

So, I don't know where we will end up on the amount of access and whether he will realistically expect to have DD overnight straight away. I must say though that he is 100% reliable with his other children in terms of when he has them and he does love having them, so I have no concern that he will be flaky in that respect.

I agree with your idea of one day per weekend and a mid week visit. Are there any guidelines to that effect online anywhere? I think anything I do suggest, OH will think I am serving my own interests only so it would be good to be able to show him some literature to back this up.

OP posts:
olgaga · 21/12/2012 07:46

Try the link I posted upthread.

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