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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted - My 'Wedding Day' is off.

67 replies

bluetufty · 03/12/2012 09:50

I feel so stupid for being upset when there are real problems going on in the world but would love some help to try and get my situation into perspective. 10 years ago my husband and I wanted to get married but we were extremely strapped financially so decided to simply go to a registry office and get married officially and then re-say our vows on our 10 year anniversary. We had 4 guests on the day (his family), (I don't have any family but I did want some of my friends but we agreed they could go to the proper wedding). I had no dress, bouquet, nothing. We did have a couple of photos taken but that was that.
We already had two children together so I was happy that we all had the same name and we felt like a proper family.
Every year I have asked my husband to acknowledge our wedding anniversary and he has refused until this year. Year 10 when we were supposed to be having a wedding day (v small still but better than nothing). He point blank refused but said we could go to Budapest for the weekend instead. We went and he was a nightmare. He smelt and dressed like a tramp. So much for a romantic weekend away.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year because he had been very verbally abusive and I told him that I wouldn't wear my ring until he stopped abusing me, and that I would wear it again when we said our vows again. He has mostly stopped being abusive but last night I tried to talk about our 'wedding day' to reassure him that I would be happy to keep it small he got really nasty and told me he had made a mistake getting married in the first place.
I guess I just wanted to feel special and loved for the day and now that's off and I feel stupid for being so tearful.
I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.
But I wish I didn't feel so gutted.
Thanks for letting me babble on....

OP posts:
greenrabbits · 06/12/2012 12:58

You do NOT have to stay married! Just wanted to add my voice.

Mu1berries · 06/12/2012 16:40

How did you get on this morning bluetufty?

BerylStreep · 06/12/2012 17:42

Hey Bluetufty, I just want to say how horrid your DH sounds. I'm so glad you are thinking about taking control of your life.

I would just add one thing, make sure you have your ducks in a row before you tell him the marriage is over. This means seeing solicitor and WA beforehand, and formulating a plan. The temptation is that when you make the decision for yourself, you may want to tell him straight away, before you have plans in place.

stuffitunderthebed · 06/12/2012 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 07/12/2012 07:31

hope you're ok bluetufty, if for some reason you didn't get to the apt, don't worry! don't feel you can't come back and update us!

Original poster
bluetufty · 08/12/2012 16:29

Well thank you everyone for being there for me and my DD's. I did go to WA and they gave me such good advice and support. I have spent the last couple of days doing sorting out a plan of action and getting financial advice / solicitor etc.
It's made me feel a lot stronger.
I think you are all right in having that plan in place before I tell him, because I know that when I do, I will mean it. And he won't accept it. So I also have a 'going to a refuge' plan too.

As always when things get nasty they then go around in a circle because pretends that nothing has happened and denies ever saying anything.

It feels very different this time, because I feel that I have got to the stage that I don't want to stay on this roundabout any longer.
I'm still terrified about going through it all, but I know that slowly but surely will see both me and my girls out of this.

I really do appreciate all the comments. I'm going to keep coming back to the post to remind myself that I can do this :)

OP posts:
GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 08/12/2012 18:06

Good for you. Believe in your own right to call time. Do not be bullied into doing what suits him. March to the beat of your own drum. You tried (and you tried and you tried and you tried).

The pretending nothing happened is amazing. My x would kick down doors to get at me, and he even put his hands around my neck once and squeezed.... I was scared for a few seconds that he was going to lose control. But then, five minutes after the 'hands around my throat' incident, he made me a cup of tea and acted injured and aggrieved when I took it and poured it down the sink. He was cross with me because I rejected his cup of tea!!!!! You couldn't make it up.

I know you haven't mentioned physical aggression but the cycle of tension, explosion, 'conciliation', calmness is the same.

Original poster
bluetufty · 08/12/2012 20:19

Oh my gosh, no I haven't had the physical aggression, but I have had that cup of tea thing too!!!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/12/2012 20:36

Get a little perspective, fgs. Your marriage sounds like a crock of shit, and you're upset about your "Wedding Day"? Hmm

anonacfr · 09/12/2012 07:24

Erm, have you actually read the whole thread? Hmm

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 09/12/2012 09:55

Flogging, yeah, we've moved on from that...................

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 09/12/2012 09:57

@ bluetufty, what did WA tell you to do then? curious because I never had the courage to ask for their help, or identify myself as being somebody they would /could help and I regretthat now. So what did they say? practical / emotional?

stuffitunderthebed · 14/12/2012 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluetufty · 14/12/2012 22:32

I wish you had asked for help GinSoakedMulberryLush because they were so helpful in both the practical terms e.g. These are your options and how they could support me through it all - going through solicitors etc., what the refuge would be like,making an emergency plan. They can't tell you what you should do, as in, 'you should get divorced', but they can help you think it through.

And then they were really understanding of what I was going through. The message I heard loud and clear was to take care of myself. And to recognise that even though I am being strong now, it wouldn't take much for me to crumble. I know that.

I have the 24 hour number and also the woman I spoke to gave me her mobile. They really were wonderful and I have rung them a couple of times since just to chat things through.
It is such a relief.

As for my husband, he is on a 'I'm being nice to you now' phase. But I am not going around that merry go round again! We have agreed to have a serious discussion in the new year, but I have been able to stand up to him since and he knows that I am not going to put up with any more rubbish from him.

And by the way, the wedding is the last thing on my mind now! I've seen the light Smile

OP posts:
izzyizin · 14/12/2012 22:39

Praise be and sing hallelujah! Long may the light burn bright for you.

Original poster
bluetufty · 21/12/2012 22:13

Thank you izzyizin :)

OP posts:
badguider · 21/12/2012 22:52

Well done! Your example is so important for your DDs now - they need to learn that a woman should not tolerate being treated badly by a man. And if you do this then you will show them that.

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