Finding it really hard to parent my dd

[Yermina]

... Where has my patience gone, and my resilience? Very down today that my relationship with my 13 year old dd feels poisonous at the moment. She has been very, very difficult for over three years now - rude, aggressive (particularly to her younger autistic sibling who is half her age), consistently unhelpful, won't help in the house, has no hobbies, constantly on report at school for rudeness to teachers/not doing homework. She's very down on me, and has worked out that the best form of defence when I tell her off about her behaviour, is to make personal attacks on me.

I have got so worn down with it that I've gone into a sort of paralysis where I constantly veer between anger, exasperation, hopelessness, self-pity and depression in the way I feel towards her. My feelings about the way her behaviour is impacting on our family life, and on my sense of well-being, are making it impossible for me to be the strong parent I want to be. I know that this is about her, and shouldn't be about me, but I can't stop letting my negative feelings interfere with the way I parent her.

I've been thinking recently about the fact that I wasn't around my own mother much at this age - I was sent to boarding school and had years of minimal contact with my mum and dad (days before email and cheap phone calls). I'm wondering if this is impacting on my ability to care for my dd in the way I feel I should, to be able to be there for her emotionally, even at times when she's being so difficult. My parents definitely weren't there for me at this time and I experienced a lot of loneliness and fear as a young teenager.

If you post this again in the Teens forum you might get a better response...there are some very helpful ladies over there! :)

I have posted there, but my dd stalks me on that board (I've name changed to use this board), and has used things I've written there as ammunition to attack me. It's got to the point where I think I'm going to have to stop using mumsnet.

She stalks you on Mumsnet? Maybe it's time to restrict her access to the internet. You need to take back control here not lose access to support by having to avoid Mumsnet.

Unfortunately unless I stand over her while she does homework I can't stop her - she needs to use the Internet at least weekly for school. I've had to step back from being closely involved in her school work as it's led to some grim scenes in the past. (before anyone asks - we do use sanctions, regularly, and consistently and DH and I are trying present a united front - it isn't a case of a child being allowed to do what she likes despite awful behaviour. I posted this because of my conflicted feelings, and misery about the whole situation not because I don't know how to discipline my children).

Your DD should have her own Windows login, which means you can restrict her account's access to Mumsnet.

Yermina While a technical solution to her stalking you on mumsnet might have it's place, it seems unlikely it's going to have a significant impact on the problem you have. So I'm going to leave that bit, other than to say there are ways you can do that if you think it would be helpful to you all.

If I understand you properly, you're having difficulty coping with your negative feelings about your daughter which are possibly brought on by your unhappy experience of teenage life. And those negative feelings are affecting the way you parent her.

My DCs are toddlers, so I my advice has little to vouch for it. But in the absence of the great teen board MNers (some of whom you could PM with a link to this thread if you'd like their advice but worry about your DD finding it there)...

Have you considered a parenting course? I ask not because I think you can't control her, but because it sounds like the techniques you are using don't work for you. A parenting course may help you find ways of interacting that don't bring out your negative reaction to her. And could give you another way of looking at her behaviour that helps you feel more love and less frustration.

Also, you have mentioned conflict with her and that you are consistent with discipline but I wonder what you do with your DD that's positive? From what you've written about her she sounds like she isn't having the happiest time either. Teen years are hard and many people feel lonely and abandoned even when they are surrounded by people who love them. Showing her your love in a way that is distinct from the cuddles and playing you will have done when she was more of a child seems like it might be important. Does she have a club or interest she likes that you could show a bit of support for (not too much obviously, she's a teenager!) and maybe take her out for pizza or a coffee after once a week, critically make this a treat she would enjoy - even if she still acts sullen and ungrateful at first. If you can change the dynamic with her in one or two ways it may help you cope better when she's pushing boundaries at home.

Finally, would counselling about your childhood help you?

Parentlineplus is an excellent resource. Free helpline and forums online. Family counselling can also be extremely useful, usually camhs and relate offer this. Or a private counselor might

Hope you get it sorted

Didn't want to read and run. I'm sure you DO know how to discipline.
Not a parent of a teen but teach them.
Deal with your issues separately. Does she need someone to talk to? How are school helping? Any teacher she does like?
Write her a letter explaining you feel you need to make things better between you. Invite her out for 1 on 1 time? Avoid criticising her as that may well lead to an explosion.
My DD is not even 3. I have a nasty feeling I will be seeking advice on the teen forum in a few years!

Hi op. I just wondered if your other child takes a lot of your time? What strikes me is that she sounds like she is attention seeking and sometimes negative attention is better than no attention. How to tackle this? I'm going against the grain here but stop the discipline. (For now) and next time she does something say "I'm so saddened by your comments I love you and want our relationship to be better." I also think you need to spend some time with her. Can you afford to spoil her and go and treat her to something where you can spend time. Also when you can give her compliments and positive feedback and don't say anything negative about her,

What thetrackisback just said. All of it.
Consistent unconditional love is the only thing that works in the long run and I don't think there is any shortcut right now.
You need to bring your stress levels down a notch and make a very conscious effort not to loose it. I know its easier said than done but from experience, its the only thing that works.
It IS about you right now. About evening out these mood swings and not letting the constant little fights get to you.

Make sure the basic boundaries are clear and let DH enforce if needed while you back off and concentrate on praising and rebuilding trust.
Am sure that she must have high levels of anxiety about this just like you and its attention seeking. You must really just concentrate on not engaging with provocation and praise every time the opportunity arises.

Do you care for your youngest round the clock? can you do something nurturing for yourself when they are at school? clear your head, have adult time etc...

Somebody mentioned a parenting course. Am sure you are pretty clued on dealing with a difficult teen and a younger ASD child. But still, having a sympathetic ear might help getting through this.

If you don't mind my asking, do you ever think about sending her to boarding school?
A short bout of family therapy can help you clear your mixed feelings and dissociate your own experience as a teenager from your current situation which is very different.

x

What is she eating?

I know this sounds like a funny question, but you'd be surprised at how much diet can affect this age group in terms of behaviour, moods and attitudes, particularly when it comes to girls. Consuming too much dietary sugar (including carbohydrates), for example, and not enough good fats and protein can send them utterly potty.*

Weirdly, I might be inclined to start giving her cod liver oil tablets and a multivitamin and see if that helps before you consider a third party intervention route.

*from my experience of teaching at secondary level.