Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY DETERIORATED SINCE HAVING KIDS?

19 replies

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 08/04/2006 17:41

Used to visit my parents regularly soon after dd was born, spending £70 every fortnight in cabs. When I stopped because it was costing me so much, I realised that they never bothered to come and see me. They just wanted to sit in the comfort of they're own home and let me lug everything but the kitchen sink to them all the time.

They've been really unsupportive throughout everything since my dd was born-once I was not well and needed help. They made such a drama out of coming to help that in the end I asked them not to.

The relationship I had with them all has hugely gone downhill-their idea of support is for us to travel down to them, drop off dd, go out and then come pick her up again.

My younger sister used to help out but I found that she started to take libertys whenever she came round to do us a favour.

Has anyone else found that the relationship they once had has gone downhill?

OP posts:
blueteddy · 08/04/2006 18:33

I think I have definitely had more rows with my mother since having the children. She was full of false promises before I had my boys, but now they are here she is not much help at all but is first to tell me she thinks I am not being a good enough mother.Angry

SPARKLER1 · 08/04/2006 18:38

Not sure if I would say my relationship has deteriorated as such. I used to speak to mum on the phone everyday and visit her as much as I possibly could. I suddenly realised since having my two dds that I just can't possibly find the time anymore to do this. Dm stil phones me every day, usually to talk about nothing and always calls at an inconvenient time (when we are on our way out the door, bathtime, when we are eating etc). I felt bad about not being so close for a long time but realised that I have to move on with my life.

crazydazy · 08/04/2006 19:17

Have become more distant with my Mum since having kids as she is just not interested in them at all. She isn't bothered if she doesn't seem them for weeks on end and never bothers ringing to see how they are. If I stopped taking them to her house she wouldn't see them at all as she has been 2 my house about twice in five years!!! She has no life of her own but is determined not to burden herself with her grandchildren.

DP's Mum and Dad are more helpful and pick the kids up from school whilst we are working and DP's Dad will babysit for us sometimes too.

Original poster
whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 08/04/2006 19:27

The worse thing is that my brother lives close to my parents and they have them every fortnight. The go to collect them and drop them off-just have never made an effort with our dd which really makes me angry!!!! Angry

OP posts:
INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 09/04/2006 21:34

My inlaws never have our DD yet they will go and see the sil who lives about 45 mins away and spend time with their boy. They came round on sat for the first timein 4-5 months and i made the biggest smarm of all time. My mum had offered to have DD for the weekend, i said "how much DD loves my mum and loves spending time with her and how they spoil her. Dh thought it was kind of funny after they left. He thinks they are taking the p as well. They then had the cheek to grumble if i had given them more notice they would have had her!! EVERTIME I HAVE ASKED THEM THEY HAVE SAID NO.

Don't let people expect you to run round after them.

DumbledoresGirl · 09/04/2006 21:40

Yes things have deteriorated here too. My mother and I have clashed over parenting and I don't care for her authoritarian way with my children. I respect the way she brought me up, but I wish she and my father could be softer as grandparents. They do live a long way away though, so our relationship was never going to be as close as some.

Also, my relationship with my sister has gone down hill since she has been unable to have any children of her own. I don't think she will ever quite get over me having 4 of my own.

Chandra · 09/04/2006 21:51

Things are improved are much better now with my mother than pre-DS. We had a couple of disagreements but since she understood that I'm the one who has specialised knowledge of DS's needs she is more respectful and things are fine. With my MIL.... that's another story, she was always an opinionated individual but since she claimed to have rights to take important decissions regarding DS upbringing and has gone into deal with us as if we had no right or skills to take decissions for DS... we are barely seeing her once a year. In terms of support... well I never expected DM, much less Mil, to take care of the kids. We decided to have DS therefore DS is our responsability, any extra help is just a bonus. However, living so far from our families we are used to cope on our own. Sono hard feelings in the support department.

cyan · 09/04/2006 21:57

hi my relationship with my parents has got stronger, but with xps it has got worse (even before we broke up a cpl of weeks ago). His mum has always been extremely self-righteous which grates on me, its like Ive had 4 kids and I know best. They never make arrangements to see ds yet have their other grandchild over all the time. I don't even make an effort anymore.

Original poster
whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 09/04/2006 23:11

Chandra-yes I 100% agree with you. We decided to have kids by ourselves-never asked anyone's permission, and yes, they are our responsibility.

I also feel it's the family's responsibility to give support and actually be just that-family!!!

We've done everything by ourselves, in sickness and in health, we've looked after our dd together no matter what-just really annoys me that suddenly mothers and MIL's become mother of the century and totally forget what things were like when their kids were young.

I know that when my younger siblings have familys of their own-I'd be there to offer support if they needed it. Suppose it's just not an ideal world and they don't feel the need to offer any help or support to me (just the offer would be nice-knowing that at a time of need, you had someone to rely on!!!)

OP posts:
bubble99 · 09/04/2006 23:15

Sparkler. I'm the same with the 'phone calls. My mum always seems to want to chat in the evenings when I've got the boys to bed and just want to collapse in a heap and not talk to anybody.

I call-screen all of the time now.

JoolsToo · 09/04/2006 23:19

Not at all - my dd (GDG) and I have always had a great relationship that's only got better with the arrival of the 3 dgs

jampots · 09/04/2006 23:24

My parents are dead now and my dad never knew either of my children. Mum died when dd was 4.5 and ds was 1 so in that short time my relationship with her improved I would say. She was a fabulous granny and dd and her had a real bond together. As for the rest of my family, since I had children I find that although they buy them gifts at birthday and xmas etc they have no real interest in helping out or spending any quality time with the children on their own. About 5 years ago my sister did declare she would like to have the children every other Satuday evening until after about 3 sessions she realised that dh and I were going out on our own - then she decided it was more like babysitting and abruptly stopped having them. Likewise with promising the children £5 pocket money a week each about a year ago -so far they've had about 3 weeks each.

LoopyLee · 09/04/2006 23:35

Hi, my relationship with my mother has improved but I find the mil & fil not very supportive. Mil in particular is very good at making me feel like a crap mum & they make no effort to see their grandson. My dp is in the Navy & only home at wkends, which is the only time I see the ils & only if we go to them.

lazycow · 10/04/2006 11:11

Mother and father are doting grandparents but as they are in their 80's they can't make as much effort as they would like. I find it hard work always visiting them but I knew when we had ds that would be the case as my parents' health is just not up to it.

MIL and FIL very sweet but live a long way away and also have bad health. Neither my parents or ILs interfer in any way (well my dad does occasionally sneaks ds biscuits and dips his finger in wine and allows ds to suck it Grin)but we get no real help from either set.

I don't think my relationship with them has changed much at all. My older sister (childless) however, now the relationship there has deeriorated but that is mostly because I don't have time for the hour long phone chats we used to have.

buffythenappyslayer · 10/04/2006 11:16

my dad told me he never wanted to see me again when i told him i was pg with ds1 (i was 16).i didnt see him again until 8 years later when he turned up at my house.(by then i had 4 kids).that was 7 years ago and i havent seen him since then.he hasnt even seen dd3.
my mum is the same as she always has been.she'll play the doting grandparent when it suits her,othertimes she cant be bothered.shes actually married to dh's dad,and hes better with the kids now than when he was years ago.

coppertop · 10/04/2006 11:23

My relationship with my mother wasn't that great to start with but definitely went downhill when ds1 came along. I think that this was at least partly because I used to put up with cr*p for the sake of a quiet life but didn't want to do that with ds1.

Since then the relationship has gone through various stages. I had a few years of dm not speaking to me at all, followed by a long period of being merely tolerated so that she could see my 2 boys. Things are improving a little. When I was in hospital recently my dm actually came to visit. It was a complete shock as no-one usually bothers. I'm still excluded from most family occasions but tbh that's probably a good thing. :o

Original poster
whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 10/04/2006 13:55

Coppertop-I totally understand what you mean. At least you're lucky enough to have had a visit in hospital!!!

Before dd was born I suffered from a lot of sickness and ended up admitted. My dh and MIL were there for me but my family didn't bother-even though they knew I was scared because it was the 1st time I'd ever even seen the inside of a hospital.

Since then it's just been 1 lame excuse after another-distance is too far, travel is too expensive, don't want to interfere. Used to call my mum everyday but for the last few, haven't bothered and surprise, surprise-she hasn't called me!!!!

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 10/04/2006 14:08

Oh god, i have argued with my parents non stop since having dd. I'm not quite sure what it is. They live 250 miles away, I'm an only child and dd is their only grand-daughter. As such they go really ott with her when they see her and can be quite suffocating.

Eg, the first time we fell our was when dd was born. Dad suggested me and dh, him and Mum and my Grandad all sell our houses and move in together. Me and dh could work full time supporting everyone while Mum and Dad looked after dd and Grandad.

When I said 'no' (quelle surprise) he got all hurt and offended and stopped talking to me.

mommie · 10/04/2006 20:32

my mother wants to spend hours on the phone talking about next door neighbours of hers i have never met. she's great with dd, but one minute she wants to be involved and the next, she wants her freedom back. it's very tricky as i need someone who i can totally rely on since i work full-time. so worse relationship i'd say, which is v sad Sad

New posts on this thread. Refresh page