Posted on chat too but no-one interested.

[Likeaheadlesschicken]

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my life is a complete misery and for the first time today my DD (2.3) seemed to understand how I was feeling her "don't cry Mummy" almost broke my heart.

My back story (in brief) I lost my Mum three years ago and even after some counselling feel that I am broken as a person, my Mum was my rock. I have two wonderful DD's and a husband that professes to love me very much. I started back after my second maternity leave a while back and have decided to resign from work as I have hated being away from my children and just wanted my life to go back to normal. Just after we made this decision my husband was made redundant.

Our relationship was already rocky, he never wants/gives affection only sex and as I feel like emotionally I am a million miles from him I just don't want that. I feel like the only things we share are both loving our girls, everything else feels dead, poisoned by
me or broken. I am a horrible person, I shout, snipe, and pick on things constantly, but I feel like I can't stop, I am in a vicious circle, where it is easier to be nasty than be nice. I am becoming my vile abusive father and that frightens me to death. I am becoming one of those people that just wants to lie in bed, I am frightened of my children's childhood being defined by hearing fights and crying just like mine was. I don't want to divorce my husband as I don't think that will fix me, but I don't know what will. I don't know if I love him as
I am not really sure I know what love is (except for my children) Sorry for these inane ramblings but can't share this with anyone in real life so am seeking solace in mumsnet.

You sound like you might be depressed. Have you seen a GP?

You are NOT a horrible person. Being in a relationship with a man that can 'only express his feelings with sex' is not easy or nice - This is bound to take its toll on you. To me intimacy is cuddles, kisses, affection , loving & being loved in return... To him its sex. I tried counselling (He wouldn't come with me) and it was suggested that we have a pre-defined time, like a week or two with no sex - But holding hands, cuddles etc..... He lasted 2 days before the usual grope put me on the defensive again.

I only found this forum last night after hubby went to work overnight without telling me & I didn't even know if he was working or having an affair!

He has always had a very high sex drive, but since baby number 5 about 18mths ago, I haven't had a sex drive at all - In his own words... he dosen't do 'mushy' even kissing isn't nice anymore as he always (Without fail) gropes my arse or boobs as soon as I start to relax & enjoy the kiss. I love all my children very much, so like you, I know what this is like. For now I just concentrate on the kids & take a deep breath when I feel upset or angry. Go through some old cd's & find some music that you can respond to, pick a cd for every mood & remember that what ever happens with a man, you still have your children.

A bad marriage and being deprived of affection from someone who at the same time claims to love you is extremely stressful. The grief of losing the person you describe as your rock is stressful. Facing financial problems because of redundancy/quitting jobs is stressful. The combination of all those stresses could very easily be causing you to feel depressed and anxious, angry, worried about your children's future, worried about your behaviour and so on.

My suggestion therefore is to fix the things you feel you can fix and ask for help with the things you feel unable to tackle. A bad marriage is certainly fixable although 'I don't want to divorce' means you're dismissing at least one perfectly valid solution out of hand for reasons that aren't clear. In the meantime, ask for help in the shape of a medical check-up, bereavement counselling, relationship counselling, financial advice.

Good luck

Thanks for your replies. I think a trip to the GP is in order, I was frightened before of saying it out loud. Will they just try and dose me up with AD's though, is that the answer? The very thought of being medicated frightens me.

Not necessarily. Everything is up for discussion and your opinion will be taken into account. ADs are a valid treatment option, however, so it pays not to make assumptions but instead discuss it with your GP if they suggest it. ADs can provide a little respite from the utter misery of extreme stress and that - together with other changes - can sometimes give your natural coping mechanisms chance to get going.

However, it's also important to be realistic with yourself as well as anyone offering a diagnosis. If you're finding life overwhelming because you are in a bad marriage or you're short of cash, for example, you will not make the marriage better or increase your income with medication on its own. You'll have to partner it up with tackling the problems head-on.

What you are feeling is so completely understandable given the situation you're in. Please don't think you're 'broken'; you're not. And there is help available (I won't repeat the good advice from earlier posters). I am by no means in good relationship (understatement), however, I feel relatively strong at the moment, so if I need to leave, I can.

I haven't always felt like this though and life does throw some shit at you (usually all at once) and sometimes it makes you feel like you're going insane/losing any grip you might have had or make you feel broken and that things won't get better. They will. Be kind to yourself, you've lost your mum. The possibility that you might have learned behaviours from your dad does not mean that you are him (no matter what you say or how nasty you can be) you are you and you are having a blimmin' hard time of it (and from what you said possibly not getting the right support that you need at this time from your partner). I reiterate, be kind to yourself.

By the way, maybe investigate CBT if you are up to it any have already tried general therapy, however IMO DBT is far better (dialectal) and absolutely brilliant. Not as widely known about at present, but it is out there - NHS and private. Your GP might know about it. Good luck.