Following on from the "Don't give up work to be a sham unless ...." I would just like to add

[stoopidCUPID]

..... my two pennies worth.

I've learned the hard way that this is so very true - when my ds was born I had a little time out from work and then went back for a year. That year was so stressful and my dh didn't support me in any way in terms if helping juggle pick ups with child minder etc. he set me up to fail, I can see that now - but it's taken another three years as a sahm and the discovery of my dh's affair and the fall out and trying to make it work scenario.

I can't believe the person I have allowed myself to become - I used to be independent, ballsy, fun, took a pride in my appearance etc - instead now I am insecure, dependent and lost ..... and somewhat frumpy ....

SO I RESOLVE to become autonomous again and am currently searching for that golden job - I've studied and sm still studying to better myself and am determined to earn an independent wage.

A friend said something interesting to me the other day about how she felt she didn't have a voice in her marriage because she didn't earn a wage.

These words have struck a cord with me - this is do true, isn't it? No wage equates to no final say in how money is allocated and didn't within the household.

It's not always true. Some couples can make it work without one believing that being the sole wage-earner makes them Master Of The Universe and an entitled arsehole into the bargain ... :) However, it's so common that it doesn't work, and the traditional misogynistic attitude is so persistent, that it pays to err on the side of retaining some financial independence.

If you used to be independent, ballsy and fun you'll still be in there somewhere. Older and wiser. Onward and upward. Very best of luck.

Of course, this is true - it works for some couples.

Imo that is the exception and not the rule ...

Thanks Cogito. She's in here somewhere - I'll find her !

I'm too optimistic to describe it as 'the exception'. :) However, I think the times when it genuinely works are when the SAHM has had the foresight to put additional safeguards in place to protect her interests and assert her independence despite the financial reliance. Not getting duped into choosing an arse as a partner helps a lot as well....

I would certainly hate it if my DH felt he had no say in the spending of the finances (he is a SAHD although he does also have a small income from a rental property). He can get a bit shirty when his own income goes into the family pot but I don't massively sympathise on that score

I do spend more on fun stuff than he does (mostly on things for knitting) but then he will make a big, techy purchase every now and then so it more or less evens out. I don't clear every purchase before I make it but that's more to do with being the house's budget manager than wage earner, I think.

I am a SAHM and believe me I am the BOSS in our house!!! Also my DH absolutely adores me and has always supported me no matter what I waanted to do with my life. You should have realised your DH was an arse on your maternity leave. It's got nothing to do with being a SAHM but a lot to do with being married to a sexist arse.

It works for us. But I do agree it's a risk and that there are certain men out there who like a woman to be SAHM specifically because it puts her in vulnerable position - it appeals to their need to control and dominate. In our family all money goes into the joint account (I earn a very small wage from a PT job) and I keep track of what we spend, so I have full access to all the money while DH is a bit clueless about what goes in and out. We discuss any big expenditures but we're both free to spend what we want day to day within reason. It helps a lot that we both have almost identical attitudes to money - we rarely if ever disagree on this front.

The whole attitude that the non-earning partner is somehow lesser for not contributing financially is incredibly nasty and would be a total deal-breaker for me.

I'd say it's perfectly fine to be a stay at home parent providing you are partnered with a supportive and emotionally healthy adult who recognises that childcare is every bit as important as going out to work .

It's like telling someone to never get ill/depressed, never become disabled or have a disabled child, nobody knows what the future holds and having a career means precisely fuck all if any of the above happens.

Being far more choosy who you partner up with is much better advice imo, so many women seem to shack up with totally inadequate or abusive men, sometimes following that pattern time and time again.

Having high standards of expectation for your partner is my number one prerequisite, settling for less should not be an option if you value yourself.

Not all men are arses. I've been an at home Mom on and off for the last 20 years, I went back to work 6 weeks post C-section with the first baby, and have been off 7 years with the last. I hold all the purse strings as Dh couldn't care less about that stuff and we are on the same financial page.
I'm still independent, and ballsy and fun. These things are still inside you somewhere and your asre of a partner has just made you hide them, so dig them back out and work on getting back to being the you that you like and remember.