Recovering from an affair - 18 months on and need help please.

[WTFnow]

Namechanged.

My DH had an affair. He told me about it and did all the 'right' things (and still does). He bitterly regrets it. We've had couples therapy and he continued to see the therapist until a few weeks ago when I felt I needed to see someone and we can't afford for us both to go.

I thought I'd moved on - better than him tbh as he is really struggling with the guilt and shame. In the light of what he's done since the affair, I have forgiven him. He made awful choices, really bad decisions but he's shifted mountains to try to make it right, all the time knowing that nothing can do that really. He had the opportunity to walk into a job and lifestyle in a country he would love to live in with a younger 'no ties' woman but he faced the consequences of his actions and is trying hard to rebuild what he destroyed - I respect that but..

Lately, I've gone backwards though. I'm angry - really furious inside. I don't like being like this. I've stopped having sex as well, which doesn't help. No pressure at all from him though but I'm sad about it.

Any ideas? Is this normal?

MadAbout - sorry you went through the mill. It's crap. But you seem to be handling it well - good on you.

I've done the letter too, a couple of weeks ago when I'd have started yelling if I'd tried to speak about it. I did feel better at the time. He's also read the Linda MacDonald book.

This thread has been really useful and helped my clarify a lot of the thoughts and feelings that had been swishing about (thank you very much). I have shared many of the things that are new and useful from this thread.

The thing I think going forward is that I do have to step back and let him get on with it and if it doesn't work well then it doesn't.

At the beginning of all this I wanted to be sure that if it all went tits up, I could feel I'd tried my best. I can honestly say I've done that now so it's over to him..

Yes it is crap. Worst year of my life ever.

The affair showed me that my own life had got into a rut so I saw it as an opportunity to kick start it and invest more in myself.

Good luck

WTF surely relationships should not be such hard work? maybe it is damaged beyond repair. Are you gettting m;ore out of it than it is costing you emotionally ? If not I would suggest you think about ending it soon.

I know I'm out on a limb with my views here, but I think it is the OP who is making the relationship hard work. Her DH is (in her own words) 'struggling with guilt and shame' and has 'shifted mountains to make it right'. Affairs are tough, life and relationship changing events. Her anger and need for her DH to regularly ask her if she is ok is stopping everyone from healing and moving on. The constant parent child analogy is a blame game, and the need for him to verbally check on her is in itself a child role. I blame the therapist here - I'm not sure therapists are always a good idea. They have no incentive to see their clients move on, as they lose income when they do.

I've lived through this myself, and seen friends go through similar. The only way forward is to say right, I've made a decision, I'm staying, and we'll draw a line under it. Dragging it out for months/years is like bearing a grudge. It doesn't help, and it does destroy.

Good luck OP. I hope you reach a conclusion that is right for you. I hope you are able to move on, and be happy, in whatever direction you choose.

I have to disagree with you there about therapists. I was always very sceptical indeed about the whole therapy thing. However, both DH and I think it is money very well spent. Even if our marriage doesn't work out, we've learned a huge amount about ourselves as individuals. For my part, my ability to control my temper was worth the time and cost alone and I wish I'd done it years ago. I did attend an anger management course but it didn't work for me whereas the therapy was fab.

It sounds like therapy has been very helpful to you WTF and the best couples counselling is the sort that concentrates on the individuals' stories and not just the couple relationship.

In my view it is absolutely right that you expect your husband to initiate conversations about your relationship. I imagine one of the problems beforehand was that he shirked conversations that had the potential to be difficult or uncomfortable. Central to an individual preventing his own infidelity is that he changes attitudes and behaviours that permitted those actions.

However, I'm not convinced that you're yet on the same page about the affair itself and so although you say this is mainly about your current and future relationship, it still sounds as though as a couple, you believe different things. For example, if he is still saying that the only reason he didn't tell you about the first woman was he feared you'd prevent his travel - and you believe like I do that he feared you'd prevent his fling - one of the reasons why your anger might be coming out now is that you think he is still lying about some issues, including telling lies to himself.