Don't know how to cope

[faye0310]

Ok a bit long but got to get this off my chest.
My partner of 6 years has been acting off lately after lots of pestering from me found he has been texting someone from work (apparently just a laugh with her) but he eventually admitting to kissing her a couple of months back but swore nothing else happened, but said he has not felt happy for a while. We had a dd 2 years ago and he has said that all I have been for the past 2 years is a mam and I have not put much effort into the relationship with him (he is probably right to a certain extent).he also said he wasn't sure how he felt anymore and that maybe everything has just turned into habit for him!?
We bought our first home just over a year ago and have a dog. He decided last Saturday that it would be best if he went to stay at his mams for a bit to clear his head. This has been the worst week of my life.
He knows I love him and I have said I am willing to work to make this work but I'm not sure this is what he wants and it breaks my heart. I know you will all say I should not beg and keep my dignity but I have already broken down in front of him twice, I am trying to be strong but he is coming everyday to see our dd and he still hasn't told me if he is coming back or not.
I had so many plans of how my little girls second Xmas was going to be and this has hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I just can't imagine being alone and what do I do when he finds someone else coz I can't imagine not loving him. I keep thinking that if he did love me he would be here trying to make it work but he isn't
He is a very closed off person so it is very hard to get him to talk about his emotions so I feel like my head is all over the place as I dont know what he is thinking.
Never thought it would come to this and I feel like nothing I say or so is goin to help.
Sorry ladies, needed to get it all out!

Relationships need to be nurtured. I do sometimes wonder at some threads where it is plain and obvious that once a woman has had a baby, she has, for want of a better word, excluded her partner and turned all her attention to the children. that will cause a realtionship to wilt and die.

You've already admitted you haven't put any effort into keeping the relationship alive. I'm not apportioning blame here because it is a very easy thing to do, you just jog along in a habitual way and take each other forgranted. That's when one person become vulnerable and open to attention from another source. In this instance it is your partner, going after the thrill, it could just as easily have been you.

My advice? Start dating him again, get some quality couple time, minus DD, have his mother baby sit for a couple of hours a week so that you can have a meal together. It doesnt have to be out anywhere, even a meal at home without distractions. Talk. About anything, thatwill lead onto relationship talk. Going straight into relationship talk will always put the other person on the defensive and they will assume a litany of complaints and faults are going to follow.

But you, need a serious dose of self confidence and to find your sexuality again. For you, not him. You need to find the vibrant girl you once were, for you, and you will feel a whole lot better about everything.

Thank you, you are totally right. But I'm not sure if he is even willing to come back and have a go at spending time together. I think it has gone to far. Your so right that I am partly to blame and I accept that but he has admitted he should of talked about it sooner and it wouldn't of for to this point. I just don't think he really wants it in his heart x

Completely disagree with ophelia. Please don't start blaming yourself because he has been unfaithful. If he wasn't happy then why didn't he say something to you, the mother of his child? You know, acted like an adult instead of a spoilt mummy's boy throwing his dummy out the pram?!?

Just because he's not getting enough attention, he chooses to cheat on you and you're blaming yourself?

Seriously, the reality is that he has behaved appallingly and he should be begging YOUR forgiveness, not the other way round.

Of course you've been preoccupied lately, having kids tends to do that. Of course a baby/toddler is going to need your attention. A decent partner & dad would understand that and support you and be there for you and HIS child not cheat.

And if you really want him back, though he doesn't sound much of a catch, then you have to stop acting like a doormat.

Honestly, he needs to realise what he has lost.

I am so sorry to hear it. I think there is probably more to the flirt and the kiss than he's letting on.

Tell him you love him and would like to make it work and go about your days with your head up. Set a deadline in your mind about how long he has till you make up his mind for him. He can't be the only one to control the pace.

Forgive yourself. So, you let the marriage slip a bit. It's easy with small children and busy schedules. Did he help you with that? Were you in the parenting together? I think his view is probably a bit simplistic. Unhappy men who have been kissing work colleagues often rewrite history.

Take care of yourself. And don't beg. All the best.

I'm not apportioning blame - in danger of a thread hijack here - plenty enough threads with disgruntled women who have partners never at home through working long hours and the woman feels thoroughly neglected as well.

My point is that if you don't nurture a relationship, it will die. In this forum men can never do the right thing and women are always right.

Everyone deserves affection in a relationship.

Thanks for te replies ladies. I am not blaming myself for the cheating as he chose to do that to try to make himself feel better instead of having the balls to just talk to me in the first place. Nkf you are right, I have told him how I feel so I think now I just need to try to get on with things and if he wants to come back then he will but ideally I would like to know where I stand by Xmas. He is a great dad and has also helped out a lot. Just wish it hasn't came to this. X
Ps mobley I wish I could have your attitude lol x

It's right though Faye, he has behaved appallingly.

How is he a good dad if he's cheated on the mother of his children? Hurting you hurts them. If he valued his family he would treat you with respect.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think if you take him back immediately (or offer to) you're giving him the message that he can do whatever he likes and you'll put up with it as long as he stays with you. Would you be happy with that?

You deserve better.

It is all too easy to take sides but unless we are in both their shoes we can't be 100% sure. Ophelia does talk some sense. I myself have seem couples fall apart because the women have become 'mum' and completely push their partner away now they have a baby. Sometimes the men have tried to address it but are told "what do you expect, we have a toddler?" and whenever any attempt is made to try and be loving (which doesn't necessary mean sex but even cuddles or trying to go out for a romantic dinner) - assuming they are already being supportive - are repeatedly pushed away.

I have known several couples like this that have ended in divorce and in all but one case, years later, the women agreed, looking back, that they did push their partner away and that the men had tried to keep the romance side of things going.

In this instance, the OP's partner may well not have discussed this with her, which is absolutely wrong. And it is also wrong that he kissed another woman (although on other threads, plenty of women say that a kiss means nothing if they are the ones doing it) and he should feel ashamed and apologetic and be doing everything to make it up to the OP.

But a kiss and texts do not, automatically, mean it has gone further and it may simply be a case of the guy responding to a bit of flattery and attention having been ignored by his partner.

There can be shades of grey in these situations, not just black and white.

He probably has done more than kiss this OW. He's detached from you and been kissing & texting her - then to move out to 'clear his head'? Hmm.

I think you should assume he's gone for good and act accordingly. It's no good waiting for him to make a decision, you need to take control a bit. Feign strength (to him) even if you're crumbling inside.

He has cheated (even if it hasn't got to sex) and walked out on you. If you get back together, it can't be all about you being 'better' - but about him communicating and making things right after frankly appalling behaviour and betrayal. Don't just let him walk back in, you both need to work on things. If he's not willing to do any work, you're on a hiding to nothing.

Not another cheating pathetic man child needing ego boosts.

Your only chance of getting him to re commit himself to the marriage is to tell him you need space and time to consider your options.

The more you cling, beg etc the more he will pull back.

If you do decide to give him another chance, he has to do the hard work necessary and I don't think he wants to.

First of all, it is extremely unlikely that this isn't a full affair. People don't usually walk out on their marriages if there has only been kissing and flirting.

Please stop thinking that this is your fault or that you've caused it. Your partner had a responsibility to protect his fidelity and to talk to you once it had been threatened. He did not. He only admitted anything after it had happened. Right now he is desperate to share the blame because he knows that having a secret relationship is indefensible.

The stance you're taking now is unlikely to work if you want him back and for him to remain faithful if he does.

Instead of thinking that you're partly to blame and that you've caused this, it would help more if you got angry that instead of discussing any grievances, your partner has started a relationship with someone else and has walked out on his responsibilities. There is no excuse for that.

So your best bet is to tell him that you need some thinking time because you're not sure you want to be with someone who is unfaithful to you - and you'll take a lot of persuading that you can ever trust someone who cheats and then tries to blame you for it.

Don't let this man think all the choices are his. It's very likely that he's having an affair and won't want to come back to your marriage until it's over, whether that's while he's under your roof or apart from you.

The only thing that ever works in this situation is loss whereas giving people time and space to make choices never brings them back, or if it does they will do it again to you because there is reduced respect.

He sounds very immature that he didn't seem to realise that there would be less time for him as you would be busy with the baby. Did he not feel bad he had less time for you while he was looking after the baby? Does he do anything with his child?

DH and I have been together nearly 17 years and have 3 children. Some days we barely have a decent conversation. Pre-kids I could not understand how people could go a week without a snog. Now I have children I totally understand. Difference between your partner and my husband is that we laugh about how knackered we are and how we rarely have time together. We don't go off snogging other people.

You will learn to cope. You don't need a man. You are a mother and once you have given birth everything changes.

What Ophelia recommends is bollocks in your case, OP, as your partner has already fucked off from your relationship. " In this forum men can never do the right thing and women are always right." More rubbish from Ophelia.

And stop with the "he helped out a lot." My husband never says I have helped out a lot when I have done his kids washing. Nor do I say it when he has taken them out for the day or to get their uniform. It is how it should be.

Thank you so much ladies, you all have such words of wisdom! You have also said some things which I hadn't thought of in the haze I have been in. Definitely turned a corner the past couple of days me and my baby girl will be fine and I don't need him to be happy.
What's annoying is I have had a bad time (low self esteem, making the change to being a mam, other family problems etc) and I felt like running away to be on my own but it's not that easy and you just have to get on with things. He has obviously lost respect for me to be able to do what he has done. Just wish he had of spoke to me before now.
A lot of things will have to change if he returns an a lot of him making it up to me!
Lol just fabulous you are so right I don't get "you help out a lot" when I am tackling a mountain of dishes!
Also sorry I should of said at start we aren't married, don't know if that will make a difference to anyone's option. Xx

Well I am glad you're beginning to see things a little clearer

Being married or not (I never got married) won't make a difference to anyone's opinion but it does mean you get far less if you separate. You are still entitled to child support though so I'd be asking for that to be set up immediately & if he doesn't co-operate then straight to the CSA.

just an update . after a number of very heated conversations I have found that after only a week of being separated he has ran straight to this other woman so it's safe to say things are definitely over.he has agreed to sign the house over to me (out of guilt I imagine ) so that is a weight off my mind.
thank you for the advice ladies, hope you all had a good Xmas xxx

Sorry to hear that but well done you for being so together and strong. Hope 2013 is a better year for you