Is this the end of the road for me and DH?

[RosinaCopper]

So, a few months ago I told a friend how unhappy I was, lonely, felt taken for granted, no respect etc, and that I didn't think I'd be with DH in 5 years if things stayed the same. We had a talk and predictably he did a few token gestures which lasted about a week, then reverted to type.

This evening we went on a rare night out to a local pub, who were hosting a band, with friends. DH had too much to drink and started to behave like a grumpy child - huddled int he corner, head down, looking miserable. Me and friends, dancing, having fun. He announces that he's leaving. I let him go. 5 minutes later, I think - my night is ruined, I might as well leave, too. I walk home, 30 minutes on my own, in the dark (no torch - dh has it), all the time grumbling to myself and thinking that this might be the straw that broke the camel's back. He got in after me, paid the babysitters and now has gone to bed, saying that he drank too much. He's nearly 40, surely he should be able to pace himself by now. I am in tears, thinking that he will will never be the man that I want him to be, I married in haste and am repenting at leisure, but have 3 dcs to consider. It's all such a mess. What do I do now? I am so pissed off that he ruined a rare night out and made himself (and by association, me) look like an idiot with the way he behaved.

I think all the essential information about your feelings is in your first paragraph.

You sound so unhappy. Is that a good example for your DCs?

I am unhappy. But I have three wonderful dcs and without this man, they wouldn't exist. I have a lovely home, but sometimes I feel like I have 4 children, not 3. I am lonely. I am unhappy. I have never felt so worthless as I do in the family into which I married. I was saying to myself on my walk home that I have been stifled by being married to dh and to all intents and purposes, that is true. But what next? I have no job, no income, no savings (all used up to allow me to have time off with dcs without having to ask dh for money). I can't imagine going it alone.

Going it alone is hard. Think before you jump. Being a single mum has other complications too - like having to deal with an angry ex!
My suggestion - get busy. I think you need a two pronged approach.....

There seems to be a lot that bugs you. Take all those things and work on them YOURSELF before you make a decision to throw in the towel. For a start, if you do decide to leave after a period of time you will walk out of your marriage with a spring in your step!! I think we can pin too much of our own happiness on our relationships.

You say you've never felt so alone. Go fix that. Find some other friends to go out with, connect with old friends. If he wants to go to the pub and sit in the corner LET HIM. Have fun with your friends. You are a separate person. Don't hound him about it (if he is feeling crap it will only make him feel worse, more resentful, and the downward spiral continues). If you miss working and financial independence find something to do to earn some money and be an adult again. If you've spent all your money by staying at home draw up an agreement with him to rectify that (please, please, please do that while you are together). If you feel that you are taken for granted, show him how you appreciate him and don't ask for anything back (I bet he feels taken for granted too), in time I bet he'll get the joke and start appreciating you more too. (On that I've discovered - too late - that nothing makes a guy respect his wife more than being left alone with his kids for a week). Get back to the person you were before and you might find that you drag your DH out of his slump because he will be wrapped up in your energy. (Check out Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication Introduction on youtube - he is fab!)

Counselling. Is he depressed? Is he not respecting you because you're not respecting yourself? Have you forgotten how to communicate (again Marshall Rosenberg is fab)? Have you forgotten how to have fun? Is there something else going on? Counselling can help get through those issues.

My ex turned into a depressing time sucking, energy zapper and I got it totally the wrong way around. I tried to fix him (I guess I was co-dependent) I would have been much better off fixing me! We split. Might not have happened if I'd focused my energy on me and left him to his own devices.

Good luck!

(all used up to allow me to have time off with dcs without having to ask dh for money).

Erm why is this. They are his children too. I smell financial abuse.

Neither of you sound very happy.

What is the underlying issue? money? time? daily grind? just the fact that 3 small children do deplete your energy levels? No couple time?

I don't think either of us ARE happy, to be honest. I get the feeling that while he loves our children, he resents the restrictions that having a family brings. I made the decision to take on the lion's share of the childcare when all of them were babies, and this has probably come back to bite me, because I am exhausted, as two of them still wake up at least once each overnight and it's me that deals with them.

What are the underlying issues? Hmmm, I think that basically we have very different views on a number of key things, and that without the children, we wouldn't still be together. We have been together for nearly 10 years, and in that time I am sure I have changed and I am sure he has, too. But when he behaves like an idiot when we are out, it makes me wish that we hadn't bothered, but then I feel trapped and lonely at home and it's good to get out among normal people!

I have a few messages to myself that I save on my phone and there's one from Feb this year stating that he's grumpy and moody and that I'm worried about our future together. It would seem that 10 months on, little has changed.

I don't know if I can (or if I even want to) fix things. What a mess

I'm always in favour of salvaging a relationship if it is fundamentally sound, but you seem to have reached the end of the road, so I guess it's time to investigate options if you were to leave him.

Have you tried going up the avenue of relationship councelling? Might be worth a shot if it is salvageable

I think you should do counselling for yourself first.

I don't think there has been any financial abuse, Darkesteyes, but I know that the way we have dealt with our respective incomes is seen as peculiar by some.

I am also a little unsure as to why suburbophobe suggests counselling for me alone. I used to be a confident outgoing person, honestly!

Did he behave like this pre-children? Or did you just not see him for who he is?

If you are both unhappy and both want a better relationship with each other, then there is a great deal of hope this can be achieved.

But this does mean "both". Is he as concerned as you are about your relationship?

I don't think mn is the place to ask, unless you want telling to get out. You are going ro get pages of " leave the bastard" like evrrone else does. Useful advice so far though, before the inevitable starts.

'I used to be a confident outgoing person, honestly!'

That's what counselling might help you find your way back to. Either with or without him.