Wow. I am kind of horrified I started this post, and kind of glad because in this environment people can be - and clearly are being - totally honest.
Ok, firstly, we all live in his housing association property - he cannot leave. I have to be the one who leaves. I cannot afford to rent somewhere on my wages - and if I could, it would be a further move for DS. As I said, things are generally amicable at home - (my post last night was at a really low point, after a depressing day). I therefore have to sell my property and buy another before moving out. I could potentially live in that property, but it is not in an area where I want DS to be brought up. And to move there for a bit while I sort things, would be a nightmare commute to work - so would see even less of DS. I am really trying to move out. I cannot see a reconciliation happening.
My ex, or whatever I am supposed to call him, was in work, but made redundant - though it's true he has a dreadful work history. All 3 of us are living on my income - he does not get dole money as apparently we can all live off my earnings. I am not a high earner. He cannot get work - in part due to his work history, in part to the lack of work out there, and in part because he looks after DS while I am at work, and I do not work the same days or shifts each week, despite many negotiations with my boss. I can't afford childcare, and you only get tax credits for childcare if you are both working.
There is, I know, work out there. My ex has a fair few issues, though is not a bad person. He is, as those who have pointed it out, very selfish. He is also increasingly frustrated by his inability to get work - I have tried and tried to help him with that, but frankly have enough on my plate and he is not a child.
This impossible situation surrounding his work/me hating being at work, has contributed massively to our split.
Splitting up is a process...you do not wake up one day and say Right, we have separate lives now. It is particularly hard of course with a little one, and when still living together. I guess everyone has different arrangements after the break-up and moving out. I refuse to be in that kind of situation where you drop the children off on each others doorsteps, but don't go in, where you remain at war. I believe we can remain amicable, and after a while, friends. It happens. It would take too long to write all the reasons I think this can happen. So, we do not have 'access days' - our situation is just not set up for that right now.
Regarding the trying to pregnant thing....OK, I guess this is a warm up for if it does actually happen....you are all, of course, entitled to your opinions and I respect your views. I suppose I kind of wanted to see what peoples view would be. For those of you who took the time to add a little more than 'you are selfish' - thank you. And yes, Electricsheep, the mc was very hard. Having a child is actually always a selfish move - we all have them for ourselves...it's not as if the world is short of human beings. And, please note, I did say at the start - I am not keen on DS being an only child, I want him to have a support network, a sibling who has experienced a similar childhood. I know there is no guarantee that they would get on etc etc. And people do this. I am not the only one. Others are perhaps a little less honest about it. If I Did do it, and I am managing to support the 3 of us, and my ex and I have a good relationship as parents and as friends, then I really don't think it is such a terrible thing to do. I genuinely see where your opinions are coming from, and Electricsheep and letsmakecookies I appreciate the more in depth views.
In terms of separating out finances - I pay for everything, he will get benefits when I leave, so it is pretty simple. In terms of doubting he will be there for me if I have a newborn and DS - I know this. Although he does look after DS when I am at work, and they are fine together, I do everything else. He never gets up in the mornings, gave up getting up at night a long time ago. I tend to take over a bit, and he tends to let me - I am not expecting anything from him other than him having a relationship with DS and any potential other. He does, I have to say, adore DS - is just crap at doing the day to day stuff.
Childminding - all do-able - I know what courses I need to do, none are more than a day or two in length. Finding clients - more risky. Another reason I am stressed.
God I don't know if I have covered everything. Mostly, at home, we still manage to have a laugh, with each other and with DS, who thus far seems to be a very happy child. However there are still so many reasons that I do not think being together is going to work. Please try not to judge too harshly - it is difficult to put into a mumsnet post a whole history. Comments are however still appreciated. I will be amazed if anyone got to the end of reading this - cheers if you did!