How do you give your dh a kick up the backside which lasts?

[butterflybaby]

I have posted before about this and I can't find my previous threads but think this may have been my posting name. I am a regular poster but less so since I went back to work a year ago.
Anyway...on Thursday I said to a colleague that dh and I had been together for 16 years (nearly half my lifetime). On the way home, somehow, that registered with me and I thought "Why should I put up with this any longer?" I went into a bad mood as I am fed up of being taken for granted and I want to be treated as a loved wife not just like a housekeeper / cook / laundrymaid. Dh must have twigged something was up as last night (Friday) he:-
Did the hand washing up without being asked.
Unloaded the dishwasher without being asked.
Put the clothes from the washing line on the airer without being asked.
These are all unheard of. Normally he goes through to the living room each evening about 9.15pm, leaving me to do all the household tasks myself which I do by about 10.30pm.
The other week I came home and the washing was now wet on the line, the blinds and curtains were still open and the windows open, the heating wasn't on, etc etc. That is normal for him, though I was cross and said so. He'd just been sitting down doing nothing, of course.
I think he is worried that I am going to talk to him about divorce (again). I probably will talk to him about things when he gets back tomorrow night. I am so fed up. The worst bit is that I have to ask him to kiss me (as he doesn't do it unless I ask), and then he does - once. If I ask again I get another then a "buzz off now, you've had your lot" type grunt. If I ask him to say he loves me, he does. He won't unless I ask. He doesn't initiate any love or affection. I teased him the other day saying that if I wasn't married then I'd have men queuing around the block wanting to date me and he said for me to go to them instead, then. That was my attempt to make him appreciate that others find me attractive even if he doesn't seem to. I met him soon after leaving college where I was not short of attention, though, being quite "proper", I'd hardly dated anyone. I did enjoy the attention, though. It seems such a let down to be tied to one man who isn't interested in me.
I'm a good mum to our two (pre-teen) kids and I think I'm a good wife, though perhaps I try too hard and shoulder all the housework and everything so that he ends up thinking "Leave it to her. She knows what she's doing and is doing things the way she likes them done". I respect how hard he works and I am concious of not asking him to do anything if he's had a particularly busy week. He has time to himself several times a year, sometimes a weekend here and there or a week long holiday by himself. He has a hobby that means he has a morning to himself once a month plus Sat afternoon to do as he likes and an evening a week. I don't have any of that because if I did take time off, I know I'd have to come back to all the washing and ironing and stuff, plus work on top. It's hard enough to keep on top of it as it is and a weekend away as a family means much more work to catch up, let alone time away by myself.
Sorry, I'm going on and on. Why does he only sit up and take notice of me and the housework when I get angry with him? Do other people have to threaten divorce to get their dhs to take notice of them? What am I going to say to him tomorrow night? Shall I say that he has a choice of Relate or divorce? He won't listen to me if I talk to him myself and any promises are short lived. I did see a solicitor re a divorce a few years ago and he was very upset and asked me not to go ahead with it. I backed down and said that I wouldn't as long as he put the effort that is needed into the marriage. It lasted perhaps a few weeks. I think he tried (he bought a few books and read them) but didn't really know how to change or perhaps want to put the effort in.
Please can anyone advise. I don't want to have to split up our family but I don't want to carry on as I am. My thread title is asking if anyone has been in the same position as me and if they found a solution which might work for me, too. TIA.

A quick bump. Having said that, I'm trying to keep myself busy by gardening - there are dead shrubs and stuff in a big pile ready to go to the recycling part of the dump - so I'll only be able to check this thread every half hour or so.

i sympathise with you as i often have arguments with hubby about sharing the wokload rather than leaving it to me ..he is affectioanate though and tells me he loves me etc but i sometimes think i`m more of a mother figure to him than a wife

Sympathies. The trouble is, it's a vicious circle. If you do it, he never will. If you don't do it, you get stressed and he doesn't care.

FWIW, I wouldn't tell him to choose between Relate and divorce at this stage, but tell him you are going to have a weekend away, without him and the kids. Be prepared for the fact the house will be a tip when you get back (although you can always 'be helpful' and leave him a list of the jobs you would like doing whilst you're away) but even so, it should give him a little more appreciation of everything you have to cope with.

Thanks both for your posts. I can understand the thinking behind the weekend away, though I'm sure that he would eat out once or twice to avoid cooking and ignore the full washing basket etc. If he has the kids for more than a few hours, he tend to take them to his mum's so that the food is put on the table for them all and the childcare is shared. I think I could hack doing all the housework myself if only I felt loved and appreciated. What a mess.

bb - your dh could be mine!! Sorry I have no solutions to offer. We are 'celebrating' our 25th wedding anniversary this year.
To make matters worse last year I was 'totally loved and appreciated' by someone else for several months. Dh even knew about it but just kind of laughed it off as nothing serious.
I could so easily have left dh -but it was the idea of telling the children (teenagers) that put an end to that.
Hope you come up with a better solution!

Thanks for your post, hellsbells. What has stopped me the previous times when we nearly split up was telling the children and then being without them for a night or two a week and at some holiday times. Oh, and he said he'd fight me for custody all the way. Dh is amazingly stupid on holiday (6 hour non-stop car journey abroad type stupid) that I didn't trust him to have them without me being there. Thing is, I don't want the kids to see me being put upon and for them to think that it's the norm. If dh lived alone he'd have to put a load of washing on about 4 times a week, cook his own tea most nights, do some washing up, iron his own stuff, etc so why doesn't he feel that he should do some of that now? He did live alone for a few years after Uni so he does know what's involved, at least he should remember if he thinks back. And why is it too much to ask for love and affection? Why do I not receive a birthday / anniversary etc present? Do I not deserve one? We are not hard up by any means. I want him to have a big shock, for him to see that he is really risking losing me. The kids see me kiss and hug him, too, but never him kissing or hugging me, iyswim. That can't be good, either. Why should I always make the first move? I take my hat off to you for seeing it through to 25 years, btw.

Sorry, hellsbells, I also wanted to say that I'm glad that someone made you feel good for a while. I find that living with someone who is so indifferent to me is soul destroying. I don't want to have an affair and leave, though that is a risk. If I leave, I want it to be as amicable as possible and then perhaps we can both, in time, find someone new. Your dh laughing it off just strikes me as showing how incapable he is of taking things seriously. You should matter to him - hugely.

Thanks BB but I'm not sure that sticking with it for 25 years is something I should feel proud of. In a way it has been a cowardly approach. I wish I had had MN years ago - it would have been a huge emotional support then. Over the years I have just kind of got used to dh failing to notice anything. If I try to talk to him about the children his stock reply is 'They are all like that at that age!!!' WRONG!!! As for stupidity about holidays etc your dh doesn't even come close!

I went to Relate a while back but it was at the time of my affair so she could only see me and not dh unless or until the affair ended. Now that it has ended I'm really undecided about what to do next. If I go to Relate with dh then I think it will start the wheels turning towards divorce. And I don't think I'm ready to do that just yet. But I just cannot imagine dh ever changing into an appreciative, loving partner after all this time. He says he was 'upset' by my affair - but clearly not enough to get really angry, or even particularly worried!!! How weird is that?????
The Relate Counsellor told me she had never in 15 years of counselling heard of a partner reacting like my dh!

So for now I'm back with dh and life is just carrying on like it always has. But for me the difference is that I am way more confident than I was a year ago. (More like I was 25 years ago!)
sorry I'm rambling - and I've still got no solutions to offer you. Good luck!!!

Hello hellsbells. Your bit about confidence rang a bell with me, too. I think that I am pretty much on a high with confidence in work as I'm doing well and then to come home each afternoon to being ignored, virtually, is something I can't cope with. I don't see going to Relate as automatically leading to a divorce, but then you've been there and I haven't so maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. I think I need someone to tell dh that telling your wife regularly that you love her, kissing her daily (and not just the peck on the cheek as you go to work)is important and also showing love and affection. After all, if I keep making every move, it boosts his ego and deflates mine bit by bit. Also that thoughtless things like booking tickets to take yourself and the kids to a match, leaving your dw at home all day on her birthday is not on. Or (another year) telling her that you haven't bought her anything for her birthday because the day before you both spent a lot of money on furniture. It's not nice.
I don't have answers for you nor you for me, but I feel better now that I've had replies and support from this thread, so thank you to you and everybody.

hello bb. Sorry to give the impression that Relate = Divorce. It is just that in my own case I think it would open a whole can of worms that would make it very difficult for us to stay together. We also run a business together. At the moment it is my role in the business that is boosting my confidence and I wouldn't want to upset that just yet. We've had this business for 15 years and most of that time I've played almost no part in it because I couldn't see a role for me. Then last year we took on someone who completely chnaged this. Not only did his ideas and working methods mirror mine, but he completely changed the way I thought of myself, and he helped me define my role in the business which dh had never been able to do. I felt totally and utterly emotionally supported and loved for the first time in 25 years. But it all got too much as I was virtually living with him and dh together for 14 hours a day, every single day!! The tension at times was unbearable. And dd (13) was picking up on that. So in the end I knew I had a choice to make - and it was the thought of telling dd that made me stay with dh and keep the family together.

if you can get him to go to relate it might help and you can get it all out infront of a referee as it were. Sounds like my dp whose mother i reckon just spoilt them all. She waits on her dh like a slave and he is an MCP. He does need a good kick up the arse and sometimes the best one is the live on your own, cook, wash up and clean for yourself and then realise what i do for you you lazy complacent man. ! good luck !

butterflybaby - you sound like you need and very much deserve a smile honey so here i am!!

how do you give dh a kick up the backside which lasts? - hmmmmm, only one answer. Glue your shoe up there its the only chance that kick will last.....

butterfly - it sounds like you would cope with the housework part of this if you felt more loved & cherished. After all, traditional vows include him promising to worship and cherish you. maybe he does inside, but thinks that you don't need to be told. maybe he doesn't and you need to address that. the real point is, if you feel valued within a relationship, it doesn't matter too much who washes up, because you are happy. if you don't feel valued & respected, that needs to be sorted out. it's up to both of you to decide what the situation here is. Have you talked to him recently? Good luck

If you find a way, please let me know!

you went back to work a year ago - for over ten years you have been the housewife and done the chores.

there is now a new routine t be learnt. now, you need to sit down and say

i will cook tea
you will wash pots
i will iron my stuff
you will iron your stuff
i will iron kids stuff
you will vacume living room

sounds like you have just got on with it. why the fuck should he change? double income now and wife still does everything unless shes got a sulk on ofcourse then i'll show her "i'm a good boy"

well your nt his mother - he's a grown man.

ironing isn't rocket science - my kids were doing it at 10 years old

oh that reminds me.

kids get to iron their own casual wear and wash it too. my kids have also been doing this since they were ten.

if you do the plants - he mows the lawn.

clean the kitchen work surfaces every evening after school/ college

no one loves a martyr - well thats because they are moaning gits usually.

so sit down make a list - show everyone how to use the washing machine - just tell them to put whites in seperately and dont wash red stuff for their first few tries.

sure things will fuck up - but once someones favourite shirt or t shirt fucks up they suddenly remember not to put a red thing in with a white thing.

remember they are on a learning curve.

none of this ofcourse addresses the emotional neglect.

the emotional neglect is anothe sit down talk. i'm a big fan of arse smacking and lewdness. my red headed fat chris evans lookalike husband gets told he has a sexy arse - as do i

i think nothing of a pat on the arse and a whisper you up fer some tonight?" as he's taking something hot out of the oven about to drop it on the floor.

hope some of this helps - i've been married 17 years