is my sister being selfish or am i unreasonable?

[fattybum]

Sorry, might be long.

I have 2 ds, dsis has 1. My eldest ds can be quite greedy with food and would overeat if given the chance, her ds is extremely fussy, will only eat very limited diet and has to be correct brands eg only walkers crisps, only certain brands of icing etc. When they (rarely) visit she has to bring his lunch because he won't eat a sandwich, jacket potato or anything I could make him. He's now 7.

I'm used to this and accept it as he's her dc. I have had worries about my ds1 and his eating too much and, despite me confiding in dsis, she will bombard my dc with crap every time we see them. I actually avoid family get togethers with her it's so bad. We had a BBQ at her house last summer where ds1 ate plenty of BBQ food and was then offered an ice cream, then another and another as well as candy floss, juice and pudding all in 3 hours. This is typical of when we're together.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking she should care about my concerns? I feel I accommodate her and dn, but she just doesn't care.

Well your the parent not your sister, so therefore you should be controlling what he eats. You can ask her not to offer it, but guessing as there are other kids there, it's not very fair on them either.

Is your ds over weight? My dd1 eats like a horse and I do think she eats more than she needs but then so does dh. They are the tall skinny ones in our house though.

Having told your dsis of your concerns about your ds, then yeah, I think she should try to help you.

But at the same time, is it really a big deal if once in awhile he gets to stuff himself at a family BBQ? As long as it's an occasional thing, not weekly or anything.

I see both sides: a good host will offer food and not curtail it - but then it was up to you to limit his intake.

My mum will ply my DS with biscuits, sweets and all other junk despite me saying please don't. But I have learnt to put it into perspective really. It's once every 7-10 days and his diet at home more then balances out a few hours of rubbish.

And he gets more then just food from these visits. He gets to spend time with his extended family and much loved cousins.

My DD is now 11 and my mum did the same with her. As she's grown up she has learnt to moderate herself. She will say 'no thank you nanny' or she will accept something and save it for later.

Overall, it's frustrating some times but it's not the end of the world if it's not every single day.

He's not over weight, but verging on it. It is only once in a while, but would be more often if she would back me up a bit. I just feel sad that my own sister can listen to my concerns about ds's eating, then continue stuffing him with food.

I've tried to moderate it, but it's very difficult when you have a food obsessed dc and a sister who seems to want to receive love and adoration by feeding. She's a lot older than me and did the same growing up, far more Easter eggs than necessary!

I have a close friend like your sister. She feeds her children all the time. She brings 12 iced donuts to school every night. They have vast quantities of cheap foods and a very narrow diet indeed.

I'm sure she associates feeding them with loving them and them feeling loved. I'm the opposite and I don't associate food with a treat.

I find it all very wearing. My dds used to ask if they could have a donut every night and I never let them and it was all very difficult for everyone.

I'm an immigrant so I already feel very different in most situations and did find myself just going with the flow at one point. I had to make a conscious decision to stop and to say no. It was really awkward but I wasn't comfortable with the alternative.

You need to talk to your sister about how you are feeling. I had a similar scenario with my sister where if I had a disagreement with dd or felt I needed to give her a punishment my sis would side with my dd and say I was being mean or harsh. I spoke with her and explained that dd is my child and I would raise her my way and that not only was her undermining me upsetting it was also a total pain.

She doesn't do it anymore. Sometimes if she wants to say something her face will turn into a cats bum but she knows better that to raise it in front if dd.

IME parents of picky eaters have an overwhelming urge to cram as much food as possible into any children they have dealings with

I'm not sure talking it over with your DSis will make any difference long term - you'll just have to try to always be there to prevent your DS eating more than he should.

This made me feel ill- how can people give so much food to children?? That is gross, especially seeing as you have concerns that she knows about. I do not agree with 'treat' food or food used to show love or for reward- what an unhealthy attitude to foist upon your children. There is 'sometimes' food. All food is the same.

But then, I have massive complexes about diet, so maybe not the best to give advice.

I would ask my sister again to STOP offering the food and explain exactly how I felt about it. If she continued after that- then clearly she has some insane desire to upset you and over feed your son.

I think Ponders is right - because your dsis has such trouble feeding her own dc, she loves to feed yours.

I have 2 picky eaters and one non-picky eater.

My take on this is that when your DC first starts being difficult with food - and most DC are at some point - the advice is to give them the food you want them to eat and then if they don't eat it, take it away with out comment and don't let them have anything else.

I found it incredibly difficult, impossible even, to serve up a plate of broccoli and carrots, which I knew they hated, knowing I was going to take it away untouched and they would be hungry for the rest of the day, when I COULD have given them something they wanted to eat. A mother's instinct is to feed her children, and by insisting they ate x, y and Z I knew would mean that they wouldn't eat anything. I TOTALLY accept that my inability to be tough meant that their pickiness was not addressed.

I think that if you are in that mindset you want every child to have what they want to eat. You feel cruel otherwise. Your sister, like me, has probably seen enough wailing and screaming over food to be hugely relieved at seeing a child who likes to eat. She can for once be a mother figure with a grateful recipient.

(I was a dreadful eater and my Dad and sisters were also fussy. My Mum had a friend whose kids would eat anything and when they came over Mum loved it because they ate everything she gave them with a "Cor, lovely" and asked for seconds, whereas we all made her feel like the worst cook in the world!)

Not that this is any help . . . I guess I would advise a long talk specifically about your DS's problems. I don't think YABU or your sister is being selfish - I think she genuinely thinks she is being nice.