I'm terrified DD is going under

[DDinpain]

My beautiful, fiery, generous, wonderful, funny, quirky, saviour-of-the-world 18yr old DD has got herself mixed up with a very disturbed man and it is killing me.

Over the course of the last 18 months she has struggled at school and messed up her ASs, dropped to about 6.5 stone, caught an STD and had a termination. The latest seems to be that her friends have now walked away saying that she is no longer someone that they want to be around. She has just told me and I am sitting here sobbing.

He is controlling, jealous and abusive and she just can't see it. He has cheated on her more times than I can count (and that's just the times she's told me about!). He hates all of her male friends and regularly treats her like shit in public. She assures me that he is loving and funny etc the rest of the time, but doesn't seem to get that doesn't balance out the way he behaves for the rest of the time.

She told me last night that he went to see someone about his anxiety and has been referred to a psychoanalyst as they believe he has underlying issues - no shit!

She knows very well how I feel about him and whenever she tells me yet another horror story about him I don't start screaming and shouting (learned that lesson early on when she just clammed up completely!). I try to explain how his behaviour is SO wrong and how he is manipulating everything about her life, but so far to no effect. She understands that he is wrong, but just doesn't seem able to leave him.

I just want to ban her from seeing/communicating with him ever again, but know that it wouldn't work. How the hell do I get her away from this soul destroying relationship?

Image and appearance - I suppose I can be a little insecure about what I look like, but all of her friends seem incredibly concerned about appearance. They are all way out of my league and are incredibly beautiful people (the type frequently recruited by Hollister and invited to celeb tables in bars).

Spoilt - yep hands up on that one!

Dad - lives at the other end of the country with new family and she has refused to see him for the last few years. She was close to my Dad, but he died nearly three years ago.

I do feel for you OP, I really do.

I'll give your hand a little squeeze

I try and think back to when I was that age, I guess a lot of it as teenage know-it-all syndrome - you can't quite make that break. I had a BF who was very jealous - no where near as controlling as what your DD is going through. It's a kind of learning curve, eventually you realise that you are your own person and make your own decisions, but not until there has been some heart break.

I have friends who went through heart break and a lot of tragedy in their late teens/early 20's, but their stories aren't mine to tell in this context.

It is shit to sit back and watch - but eventually your DD will emerge again. Much like a butterfly, and be all the stronger for it.

Eh, I've hung around on here for way too long, I can't take all the credit :) I know what it's like to be "in there", but I've also seen the pattern repeat again and again, with people I know in RL, on here in ongoing and in recovery threads, and in articles/books etc about abuse and I've been able to piece bits together.

It sounds like she is a very loving, caring and thoughtful person. She will learn one day to balance it out so that enough of that love, care and thoughtfulness goes into her own life rather than endlessly trying to improve everyone else's. She'll also learn the very hard lesson that some people cannot be helped, and who it's worth giving your time and energy to, and who you have to cut off for your own sanity. It takes time to learn this but she'll get there.

Op I know where your daughter is coming from. I was there when I was her age. My mum had to stand back and watch it and I feel guilty every day for putting her through that.

There is life the other side. In the end he dumped me, probably because he had destroyed every last bit of the girl he pursued. It was the kindest thing he ever did. Councilling was amazing and changed my life completely.

The thing that keeps you there is the fact they are damaged. You love them and don't want them to hurt so you will do anything and put up with anything to try and make them better. You feel like you are the only thing holding them together and you can't possibly leave.

Given your situation the only tactic, other than the one you are already using, I would employ would be to put it to her that by being his crutch she is stopping him getting the actual help he needs. Being together is damaging him as much as her as he won't sort himself out while she is trying to do it for him. This is all true but has the added benefit of getting her the Fuck out of there.

Image and appearance. I suppose what I am thinking is that if say her way of life with him starts affecting her looks, and she cares a lot about that, that you may be able to point that out. And if she had to make a bit of a choice, that the way that her lifestyle was affecting her looks, may win out? Bit of a long shot.

spoilt. I am guessing she thinks that if it does all go wrong with the boyfriend, well she hasnt lost much. Because she can just go back to her comfy life.
But also, all that she is doing may well be or was a rebellion to that comfy life.

dad. Is there any chance she can go there for a bit.
If she were out of the picture for a little whilr, it may give her a different and clearer perspective. her dad may have something useful to say on the subject, and her boyfriend may find someone else?

Not sure if I am being much help.

Agree with the last 2 posters.
She sees him as a victim.
She sees herself as rescuing him.

You need to carefully and gently point out from time to time that he is in control. That he is masterful. That may put her off him, if she thinks he is strong.
Because she is after someone weak.

I read this and I wanted to post, but I am about to PM you instead, I cant say what I want in public.

Great advice from Bertie. Your poor girl, and you for feeling so helpless in such an awful situation.

One thing that popped into my head was, do you think this boyfriend might stop her going away travelling? Surely he'll know he can only control her when she's here. That's my worry

I will physically put her on a plane somewhere faaaar away if I have to, Something!

Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to try to help us. I am blown away by your kindness and thoughtfulness and am so sorry that much of your understanding comes from personal experience. Nest of vipers, my arse!

my honest opinion is that she wont go if she is still involved with him, who is paying?

That one is still up for discussion!

Try to spend as much time as you can with her, OP. Talking, chatting about nothing, just sitting in a room, anything. Tell her you love her.

Its difficult to talk to someone who walks out of a room everytime anything they dont want to hear is mentioned, that is how it is for me, I have to watch every word I say, or they go into shut down mode.

Perhaps you could tie financial reward and gap year to grades?? Reward rather than punishment, I personally wouldnt be funding anything in the current situation you describe, hard as it is to take a hard line with someone you know is struggling.

Oh believe me I do, Runner! Verbally, via text, emails, any way that I can. The one good thing about all of this is that we are still talking. I just have to bide my time and live through a few days of 'I don't want to talk about it' before she opens up and spills to me.

I'm sorry but I can see her not going too. I wouldn't be surprised if he is already manipulating her into feeling guilty that she is planning on going, abandoning him when he needs her, saying she's going to cheat on him etc or something. Or if she does go I can imagine him making her 'check in' with him a hundred times a day so that she doesn't get to go out, meet new people or have new experiences when she's there.

I would maybe keep an eye out for any signs that she's changing her mind about going.

Maybe it would be a good investment for you to pay for her to go to get her away from him!

x

My DD is nearly 17, OP. I wish I could help more.

How does she reconcile the cheating and the STD'S in her mind with someone who respects and loves her properly?

I was totally in love myself at a similar age with someone who i now look back on and wonder what the hell i was thinking. When we split up my best friend told me her and her bf had never liked him and he'd once made a pass at her. I really wish she'd told me at the time. I wasted a lot of love and energy on that man.
He never did sort his life out.

It is so hard OP, i feel for you. Is there no one at all who can talk to her that she will listen to? If not then you have to just be there for her when she needs you and hope and pray she sees sense very soon.

I think with the travelling you'll have to be cautious. Don't pay for anything upfront if you can help it in case he talks her out of going. But do keep planning and talking about it with her to get her excited and hopefully keep alive some hopes and dreams of her own so she remembers what it's like to dream of the future! Might help if the place she happens to choose is hard to contact home from, too. But play it by ear. Using grades as an incentive for payment is a good way too of not overtly saying "I'm worried he won't let you go and that would be a shame".

She's addicted to the relationship, which is why she is secretive, won't talk about it, won't face up to what is staring her in the face. There is a very strong element of codependency with relationships like this.

I am rejoicing that the Freedom Programme is geared up to being delivered in schools, as abusive relationships are very common in this age group. I'm sorry it's too late for your daughter (how it would have saved her this nightmare if she had been taught this at school! ) but perhaps you could get clued up on this yourself? ie do as much research as possible around domestic abuse (which is what this is). Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? If you're clued up you will be ready should the conversation go that way.

It is very, very hard to stand by and watch this; not unlike watching your child destroy themselves with eg drugs etc - very similar profile. However, I have heard many stories of girls getting out of these relationships after a time - the supportive family in the background seems to be what makes the difference.

You're doing the right thing - just keep doing it. I say 'just' but it's not 'just' is it? it's torture to stand by and let it run its course. You're doing more good than you realise. Our teen kids do listen to us, even though it doesn't seem it at the time. All the more reason for you to get as clued up as possible.

No better advice than already given OP but very sympathetic, and watching. Things do come right you know, especially with a mum like you. Take a deep breath and just be there?