Would a counsellor really say this?

[javotte]

"Your husband is a bastard and you deserve better than him".
Apparently that is what my mother's counsellor told her (he has never met my father).
I nodded politely, but can she really be telling the truth?

No.

Yes, in context of an abusive relationship - I have said similar but wouldn't use the word bastard unless introduced by the client.

Laurie would you say that having only heard the client's version?

You only ever get the clients version (unless you're couples counselling) so yes, you believe and support their version until you hear contradictions - which you then point out gently. At the beginning people often see things very black and white - over time the more supported and safe they feel the more they have a rounded picture of their life and their part in events

Hope that makes sense

no, having been to counselling (and psychotherapy) :-8 what the hell, not ashamed at all actually.......... A counsellor might ask you questions that make you walk away THINKING THAT though.

Like "do you think the way he treated you was kind?'. Or " would you treat somebody the way he treated you?'. "why do you think you tolerated that behaviour?' "did you have a choice?'

Does the counsellor have a point? Is your df a bastard to your dm?

Maybe if you were paraphrasing and depending on the counsellor. I wouldn't say those words myself as it may break the trust and make the client back off, especially in a situation of, I can say that about my husband but nobody else can.

No way! Unless it is a Mn counselling session

Thank you Laurie
But I still suspect that this is what she wants to hear, not what she was actually told.

Can I also say that she might have heard that but what the counsellor might have said is:

"Given that you think he's a bastard I wonder if at any point you may have thought you deserved more"?

Subtle difference.

People hear what they want to hear all the time. I notice once women have left dreadful relationships in counselling they always come in and say 'I've finally done what you've told me and left him'.

Obviously I've said no such thing, just encouraged them to go with their own feelings over time.

X posted

I wonder about the fact that from your post you dont believe her, and the fact that she has been to see a counsellor seems to me to be a call for help and support. Are you supporting you Mum or are you unbelieving that your Father could have done anything to warrent her seeking counselling support?

Nodding politely really? sounds like your pity her

It's possible, I'd think it more likely she's paraphrasing, or interpreti g what she has heard and taken from the session.

Impossible to say really.

Javotte, what is your question? are you asking if your mother is unreasonable to believe taht your father was a bastard to her? It seems to me that she might be reaching out to you looking for an acknowledgement from you that you recognise that her marriage has been an inequal one.

ps Javotte,, you must have an impression of your parents marriage. Maybe your mother just needs to hear you say "yes mum, it was not an equal marriage".

I left an abusive relationship and although I may be flamed for saying this, I would like to think that my adult children won't side with a man who was so dreadful to me.

I don't think my DF is a bastard. More of an immature idiot.
My DM is extremely manipulative and was/is definitely a toxic parent.

ps, "side" is the wrong word. But when they are adults I would like them to acknowledge that I had no choice but to leave their father. That I deserved to be happy, that I should not have been condemned to live in misery just so that their father wouldn't say I left on a whim. ykwim?

Maybe IABU but I feel for her mother. I can so perfectly visualise the conversation she tried to have with you because I've practised it in my own head a few times....

Argh, lots of X-posting. I can't post long messages, which is very frustrating.
I think both my parents were abusive towards each other. DF thought he could still behave like a bachelor. DM was 100% an enabler and revelled in the role of martyr. She was never trapped in the relationship.

Is that fair though?

In the context of the day, 70s 80s? it was much less socially acceptable to be a single woman. It was hard to be included in things if you were divorced and single. It's not exactly the same decision it would be today. Maybe she spent her whole life grappling with this conundrum: draw a line and end it and then endure isolation, gossip and huge adjustment OR suck it up and hope that his libido wanes and eventually he shows me some respect?????? People hate change. so many women are in denial.

No, Berries, things started to go really wrong in the early 2000s.
I think DM is right to leave the relationship (DF is in denial), but wrong to put 100% of the blame on DF (and telling everyone that she is right because the counsellor said so).

It's good your mother is having counselling, she will work through her feelings on this issue. Although if the counsellor did say that it may not be the best counsellor to see

She'll get there........ try not to judge her on this matter. I vented and vented and vented at counselling. It was only at psychotherapy that I faced up to a few wincingly uncomfortable truths , such as I had prioritised appearing to be happy (normal, conventional) over actually BEING happy for real in myself. I hadn't even a firm grasp that the two were different things in fact. my self-worth was so low, and at that point so linked to what other people thought of me. I couldn't have been happy if other people had perceived me to be unhappy.

Obviously your mother's awkward realisations will be different but I think it's predictable that first comes venting, then comes ... navel-gazing!